New & Need some help


Registered User
Apr 17, 2006
Hello All,
We have often had a look at this website but have only registered tonight. It is good to know we aren't the only ones going through this.

A quick intro - my mother in law was diagnosed with AD last September and until now, has stayed at home, being looked after by her husband. Unfortunately, he has cancer of the prostrate and after recent events with treatments etc, we need to assess long term options for taking care of mum when he isn't around.

We are aware there are a number of options available to us, but at the moment, we are considering a permenant live in carer to look after her. We live a distance away, as does their second son. We would be more than happy for her to come and live with us, but on reflection, this would be disorientating and cause her possible upset, which we would like to avoid. We would obviously visit as often as possible, and they have some wonderful neighbours and friends, having lived in the same village for the last 23 years.

My question, or should I say plea - does anyone know any warm, friendly and loving people that could help look after Mum? Nottingham region.

We've looked at nursing agencies, and a number of websites, but I'm afraid the impersonal element has rendered me somewhat at a loss. We would love to think that we could find her a new lifelong friend. It is going to be distressing enough, the circumstances which are warranting this step - does anyone have any suggestions or advice.


Thank you,


Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
Birmingham Hades
Hi Sky high
welcome to TP.
I would really like to engage some one for my wife,as you suggest,but how?
I am afraid I cannot offer any suggestions,may be some else on the site will.
I was very lucky in finding someone to provide personal care,the sister of the lady who cleans for us.
I'm afraid I only know of agencies otherwise.
Let us know how you get on


Registered User
Apr 17, 2006
Thanks Norman!
I think the worst thing is, that Dad is ill, and has realised that he won't be around to look after her anymore (God willing, he will be of course). Added to the worry about whether he will be Ok or not, is this heavy (dare I say) burden, of wanting the peace of mind, that when he goes, Mum will be Ok. We I suppose, also want the peace of mind, that his wishes for her are fulfilled.

They had their 40th wedding anniversary earlier this year, and the only comment he made in his speech, was reciting the words from Ella Fitzgeralds - "When the angels ask me to recall, the thrill of it all - I'll remember you" - Heartbreaking.

What to do?>!?!?!?!?!? :confused:


Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
West Sussex
Hello SkyHigh

I read your post and it really struck a chord with me.

I so wish we had had the chance to talk to my Dad about Mum's care in the event of his dying before her, but fate overtook us and he suffered a massive stroke 18 months ago.

They had always insisted that they would die together and so we could never have that discussion, which would have been such a comfort now.

Since his stroke and death two weeks later, Mum has gone into residential care, a decision we never thought we would have to make, but one which is the best for her.

Guilt always sits at my shoulder, though, because I can never be sure that Dad would be OK with this, but he is not around and we have had to do the best for Mum, her safety and happiness are our priority.

All I can say is please try and talk with your father-in-law about all the possible options ahead. If I could turn back time this would be my talk with Dad.

Wishing you all well and your father-in-law a complete recovery.



Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
Hi Skyhigh,
Have you called the parishes or churches in the area? They may have members or programs that could help. My Mom goes to a nondenominatinal adult day care that is sponsored by the Catholic Church . They have a volunteer for every older person that attends, many with dimentia and it only cost $3 which covers lunch. I only wish it was every day instead of once a week! I'm going to call the church we've been attending to see if they have a member willing to call on my Mom every so often if it is just to visit for a few minutes. Our Alzheimers Association also has a list of volunteers that do some home care but there is a waiting list. Perhaps the association in your area can give you some guidance with what is available.
Good luck,


Registered User
Mar 18, 2006
Hi Skyhigh :)

I have been thrust into a situation very similar to yours just 3 months ago. My mum died last month and now I care for dad. Like you (I think) I live some distance away from where dad was, so we found him residential care near us.
Oh the guilt !!!!!....I put my dad in a home !!!!!! The emotions were unbearable to start with (especially as mum was dying the last few weeks with cancer!!)

Anyway....cut to the present day. We moved dad to a small residential home near us. We visit him everyday. Just for about 45 mins to an hour. He has no concept of time, so every day he thinks its been 6 months since he saw us (I keep saying we & us...I refer to my husband & myself . I am an only child) After the initial confusion & settling period, he's OK now. Well fed, cared for, warm and safe. I am coming to understand that is as good as its going to get. Once he's had a bit longer to settle properly we want to take him out for the day, or maybe bring him to our house for a summer's afternoon in the garden.

I read alot of messages on here about people caring for loved ones at home. I take my hat off to you all. But it has taught me that there is no one right answer. You have to do what's right for your loved one and for your situation. Keep your options open.

Good luck & keep us posted



Registered User
Apr 17, 2006
Thank you all for your messages!

We don't live all that distance away, but enough to mean a logistical nightmare in terms of being able to visit every day. Like a lot of people, we both work full time, and although there is some flexibility working from home on occasion, it doesn't pose any long term solution.

We have spoken today with my boyfriends brother (son No 2) and it really helped to talk about all the options open to us. We have suggested that perhaps both Mum & Dad move closer to us, so that if it was just Mum, we'd be local enough to help on a daily basis, and offer some respite to the carer. Lord knows they need a break too!

Will keep you all posted as to how we get on - but any ideas on carers in the Notts region, would be gratefully received.

thank you all again - it's been a real help knowing that we aren't the only ones going through this.

Take care all,


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
jarnee said:
I read a lot of messages on here about people caring for loved ones at home. I take my hat off to you all. But it has taught me that there is no one right answer. You have to do what's right for your loved one and for your situation. Keep your options open.
Jarnee, you are one VERY wise and level-headed person. Every situation is different.

What is the obvious solution for one family may be totally impossible for another.
We can only do our best, and fight off the guilt monster when he comes to torture us.