1. Gussie

    Gussie Registered User

    Feb 18, 2008
    Hi, just wanted to speak to someone about my situation - Dad been diagnosed with acute memory problems some time ago and things have just got worse and worse. Have spent the last 2 years as a mediator between parents and am at the end of my tether. Mother has given up on Dad and lets him get on with what he wants to do she is equally as frustrated and on more than one occasion I understand has physically attacked him out of frustration. He's been hospitalised within the past 3 weeks twice. Once with an internal bleed from Diverticulosis - his diet is **** (when he remembers to eat) Still drinks and his memory is terrible. Asked him what month we were in and he said November - Asked him what day it was (was my sons Birthday) and he didn't know. Got confused last week, I dont think he had anything to eat on Friday - Had five pints fell over 3 times and ended up in hospital - Can't remember anything that happened - Physically hospital is telling me he is fine but I know he's not. Desperate as to what to do - He still lives with my Mum although they are like ships passing in the night. His routine is terrible - Gets up past midday - Hygiene awful. I've tried and tried to sirt it out but can't. Amcrying as I write this - It is affecting my home life and relationship with my family. Am trying to sort it out bu can't Don't know where to turn - Following a discussion with the hospital on Friday we have evntually for a referal to SS. Hopefully something will now happen - (He's been referred 3 times accoring to what Doctors and Health professionals tell me - but not at all acording to SS!!) Anyone got any adivice - We as a family have never been in this situation - Don't know what to do or where to go to for help - Mother has tried to get help but everyone keeps telling her she needs to be more tolerant - It's gone past this she is stressed also - a little in denial and believes Dad is doing things deliberately - Have tried to get her help also as she has a history of depression but she says it's Dads fault and not hers. Relationship totally broken down - It's really hard - What do I do next?:confused:
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Gussie, please don`t think your post is being ignored.

    You have so much on your plate, I wouuldn`t know where to start to offer advice.

    Someone else may be along with some sound suggestions. I hope so. I really feel for you, you are in a dreadful position.

    If I can think of any way which might ease your situation, I`ll certainly let you know. All I can say now is thank goodness you have referral to SS. Thay may be able to advise.

    Take care xx
  3. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    Hello Gussie and welcome to TP.

    Gosh what a difficult time you're having of it.

    Can I ask exectly what your dad's diagnosis was? "Memory problems" seems a little vague to me. Has he had a brain scan? Does he have a consultant he sees about his memory problems?

    My dad was in denial for a long time about my mum, although he didn't withdraw from her but if your mum suffers with depression anyway I can see that she will be unable to cope with his behaviour.

    Are there are other family members who can help you out or is it just you? It's a big burden for you to take on and you must remember to look after yourself throughout all this - you are equally important!!

    It's hard to know what to suggest really but I think if I were you I would make a list of everything that has happened and all your dad's behaviours and make an appointment for you to see your dad's GP or consultant. This is what we had to do with my mum and thankfully our GP was very sympathetic and very helpful.

    Has dad had any contact with Social Services since his diagnosis, as I think that is an important factor as well.
  4. Gussie

    Gussie Registered User

    Feb 18, 2008

    Dad has had no referral before to SS and I am waiting as we speak for a call - hopefully it will come today. I do have 2 brothers one lives far away and the other although close has taken along time to come to terms with the problems - It's a case of only girl seems to get all the stress. Even your kind words on a page sent me off crying. Dad has a consulatant at the memory clinic but never tells anyone when he has an appointment so no one knows to go with him. He is very articulate and so can talk reasonably well even though I surmise what is coming out of his mouth is a load of rubbish - he tells me he's had breakfast when I check he hasn't - he tells me he does all the cleaning - no chance. He's had a shower - no way - I work full time as a Director for a business so have a hectic life out at 7am and back at 7pm. Two young children and a husband who has actually been really good but we realise it is affecting our relationship now. Was my sons Birthday at the weekend and spent all Friday night at the hospital with Dad and 5 hours Saturday (my sons birthday)- so my son is suffering also. It's not a nice place to be in at the moment - I feel extremely sad as I am a controller by trait who cannot take charge and do anything - or so it seems.
  5. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    Oh Gussie, I feel for you I really do - I'd reach out and give you a great big hug if I could.

    I too am a controller by nature and it drove me crazy (if you ever look at any of my old posts you'll see that!). I under went couselling for myself to help me come to terms with it all because it is so much harder than you can anticipate or ever imagine as the person you have always known is changing in front of you. Also, for me, there was a lot of anger in there about it all and it needed to come out somewhere - much better to come to someone I didn't know and who didn't judge me - I find TP a similar support - I can come on here and say things that I just couldn't say to my family or friends because they can't understand unless they're living it themselves.

    I too have a young family and am holding down a job (also have another baby on the way!) so I can appreciate your concerns about your family. It is important that you consider your own immediate family as well - I don't mean you have to do it all!! - I mean you have to prioritise and put boundarys in place for your own sanity - you have to have time when you're just with your own family enjoying family life and not obsessing about your parents.

    I know as I spent almost a whole year thinking about and talking about nothing else but dementia - thankfully my hubby was understanding but it did put an imense strain on our relationship.

    If your mum and dad are not prepared to accept any help at all then maybe you need to help them as much as you can but accept that they're going to make their own decisions.

    Just as a thought, could getting your mum some help be a better starting point than your dad? Could you get your mum to a doctor or into counselling do you think?
  6. Gussie

    Gussie Registered User

    Feb 18, 2008
    It doesn't rain it pours

    I've tried to get mum to see her doctor before but the line is she just doesn't trust him. She moved to a new area about 6 years ago and lost her beloved family doctor and no one else is good enough. Anyway things have progressed today but not in the way I had planned. Dad called at 3pm to let me know Mum had fallen in the garden so just as I was about to get to her house to take her to the hospital the SS rang. I had to tell them I couldn't speak due to the circumstances - have I missed the opportunity? Anyway Mum has broken her lower leg so there's Mum not able to move much and Dad at home tonight. Hope things go alright.Just not my lucky week eh
  7. CHESS

    CHESS Registered User

    May 14, 2006

    First of all, welcome to TP. If I were you, I would be back on to SS first thing in the morning. I was so sorry to hear of your Mum's accident, but this may be a blessing in disguise, and SS may treat your parents' situation with more urgency. Please let us know how you get on.

    Love, Chess xx
  8. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    Big hugs to you
    I had a problem not knowing where to go for help for my dad and step mum but was told to phone the ss, so I would get back to them asap and you must stress how bad things are, I did and someone was round to see them 2days later you have to keep on at them.
    I hope you get success in the morning please keep us informed
  9. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
  10. dolly gee

    dolly gee Registered User

    Mar 9, 2007
    Dear gussie it must be so hard for you and your family reading between the lines dad has not been diagnosed does he have a drink problem i ask because my own dad was the same,my heart goes out to your mum i have been there and no what it is like,has your mum not been for help if not she should get profeshional advice as i think you all need it mainly dad granny wish you well let us know how you get on graany gee
  11. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Gussie


    I agree with Gigi, try getting hold of your Dad's consultant. They might not be able to discuss, but they can listen.

    Get back on to SS and tell them the situation is desperate as your Mum is now not mobile - can't cook for your Dad etc.. and he is unable to do so. They will HAVE to help.

    Sometimes it does pour down.. but, remember.. the sun does come out.

    I've had the most cr*p 2 months of my life, and it makes every cuddle with my 7 year old feel that much more precious.

    Hope you get some joy with SS and the consultant. I'd also say talking to the GP is a good way to start too.

    Beverley x
  12. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire

    If your Dad has a consultant at the memory clinic, does he also have an appointed CPN. Sometimes, CPN's can be very helpful?

    If I were in your shoes I would be contacting SS first thing in the morning. I would stress the urgency of the situation, ie. that two eldery people need immediate help, or they will be in danger of malnutrion, etc atc.

    I would also stress that you are not available to assist or give any help whatsoever. I know you will help, but don't tell this to SS

    What I have said above may sound very dramatic, but SS will not be in any hurry to offer help, unless it is an emergency or crisis.

    Hope you can get the help your parent's deserve.

    Please look after yourself as well

  13. Gussie

    Gussie Registered User

    Feb 18, 2008
    Spoken to SS


    I've spoken to SS who tell me Dads condition is medical and there is nothing they can really do. They suggestI speak to his Doctor. Tried his Doctor to be told not in and only in between 3.30 and 5pm. Try then but you may not be able to speak to her over the phone anyway. So I'll try then.

    Asked SS if there was anything they could do regarding the fact Mum was hitting Dad and said if she has a broken leg she will not be doing much hitting for the next few weeks but he was going to speak to his senior and come back to me. They are coming out this afternoon at 2pm to see Dad so we have had some movement.

    I am worried, Dad is very plausable and articulate I'm sure he will put a front up to them. I've written a list as to my concerns but not sure if they will want to listen. Does anyone have this type of experience. What's the best thing to do? I feel so stressed at the moment - splitting headache since last night and extremely tearful - Is this normal?
  14. Gussie

    Gussie Registered User

    Feb 18, 2008

    In reply to Drink problem - I've been to all of the pubs in the village and they tell me Dad drinks between 1 or 2 pints a night so this is not excessive to someone who used to drink 8-10 pints 5 years ago. Whilst I think it is affecting his memory I've tried to get him to stop - For about 4 years!!!
  15. snowtree

    snowtree Registered User

    Jun 14, 2007
    In reply

    I kind of know where your coming from...family, business to run and doing a degree. Dad has been diagnosed with dementia but jesus it has taken me about 2 years to get to this point and my mother is adamant that he is ok...lets him carry on running the family business so i have had to step in and have huge rows every day trying to make her realise he just doesnt have the mental capacity for it anymore. So whats my advice... first..try and get an enduring power of attorney sorted out before it goes any further. That is CRUCIAL to managing his affairs at a later stage. Look into getting that done ASAP. Then start with the GP...go and see him/her explain your concerns etc and get him to check your dad over. MY dad had the check in his surgery then sent him away saying he was fine. So then i went back 3 times until he was referred to a specialist who didnt diagnose the dementia but just said it was parkinsons...he could, at that time, act very lucid. I sent her a barrage of emails explaining her diagnosis was wrong and after reading the sheet on vascular dementia by the alzheimers society that best described his symptoms. I said i wasnt telling her how to do her job just explaining that i knew him very well and the man she saw in front of her was not the man he used to be. He didnt wash properly, walk well, shave well, etc and he used to be a dental surgeon in the RAF. Not who he used to be by a long stretch! So nag nag nag till you get diagnosis as the sooner you get diagnosis the sooner treatment can begin to slow the disease down. Read as much as you can on the Alzeimers Info sheets so your armed with information. I never involved SS but then we moved in next door so i can be around should they need me. I did however find out from a close friend the name of a very good care provider who i could call in should the need arise and they have a cleaner once a week. Its enormously hard and it really highlights how little is done for us in our old age. Keep your chin up!:)
  16. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Keep talking, keep badgering, Gussie ..... to SS to GPs (including your own, if different) - to Age Concern to local carers groups (AZ specific or not) - and of course here .....

    Hold on to your own needs for yourself and your family ..... (I didn't really get any help from SS (although I did from other sources) until we were practically going under with the stress and my position as main carer for mum was threatened .... boy, how that seemed to set alarm bells going ..... Agree with so much of the great advice here .... for your mum as well as your dad .....

    Do have alternative thoughts on the 'benefit' of drinking (alcohol) ...... I know my mother is drinking to excess ...... and have managed to convey this to 'medics' - all of whom are in agreement - where for others it may seem harmful - for mum - it is not causing any great harm (she is not reaching point of collapse etc) .... and in fact is giving her pleasure and some relaxation ...... who knows it might actually be helping rather than hindering in her particular case ....??? (Of course, it can't be doing her liver any favours but in the great scheme of things.......)

    I personally find the lack of control is one of the hardest elements of this disease to deal with ..... even trying now to control myself 'hanging back' and let others take the brunt of care while I look after myself and my family ..... It may be a strange way to look at it - but I feel once you accept you have no control .... you have regained control .......

    Good luck this afternoon .......

    Love, Karen, x
  17. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    #17 Lynne, Feb 19, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2008
    Hi Gussie

    My heart goes out to you with this involved & scratchy situation.

    Agree with all other advice you have been given, would only add my tuppence worth in that I would write to Dad's GP (and Consultant if he has one) telling whole story, no holds barred.
    Make it clear that Mum is not supportive to Dad (& vice versa for that matter) even if she wasn't physically injured as now.
    Copy it to Mum's GP (if different) and Social Services. Make it clear that YOU cannot be responsible for their health & safety (magic words) as you have your own family to look after.
    Keep a copy yourself. If necessary threaten to send it to MP, local newspaper etc etc. You probably wouldn't, but ...

    All's fair in love & war.

    If you will permit me a wry grin (strange sense of humour, me)
    :cool: er, provided that's not 2 pints in EACH of them every night!!
    :rolleyes: Normal? I should say so. I thought it was one of the essential qualifications for being able to join Talking Point!!

    Not in this situation you're not. Get used to that idea, it will relieve some of the stress.

    Best Wishes

    Attached Files:

  18. Gussie

    Gussie Registered User

    Feb 18, 2008
    What a weekend

    Ok so SS came and listened last Tuesday. I really hope that they realised what Dad was like. Spent Wed/Thurs in bed with the lurgy that seems to be going round at present. Went to my Doctor and finally told him what was going on at home - wants to keep a check on me through fortnightly chats where I can discuss any issues I have. Woke up on Friday morning 3pm thinking bloody hell - Dad didn't go to hospital for his appointment today. Tackled him about this on Friday and he lied by saying he had cancelled the appointment. Phoned them up and he was a DNA which means he's been taken off the list. He's still sure he rang. Tried to get Mum out of house on Saturday to look at different 4 walls - Dad's done nothing to help since she broke her leg except keep disappearing out. Fed them both Saturday and decided Sunday was going to be a family day - Dad came round!! Thought it was Monday (In December) Ended up with a phone call around 4pm Mum in histerics - Dad not doing anything - flooded kitched by opening washing machine door and I get the full force of the problem again - I can't cope anymore - something has to happen.
  19. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Hello Gussie,

    It does seem to be ongoing for you at the moment..

    As I read it you've made some inroads though..SS have been out to your parents..

    You have the support of your own GP..

    Don't just accept this..phone the consultant's secretary and explain the situation.If that doesn't work it may take another referral from your dad's GP..but hopefully not as this will take more time..

    It's a rotten situation you're in..Lynne is right ..you cannot control it..it will evolve and it sounds as though you are going to have to be there to stamp your feet to get some help in there..

    Just at the moment you're right in the middle..and that's when it's hardest to see a way out..

    You've made a good start..keep posting..

    Love Gigi x
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    Gussie, you can't cope any more. Ring SS, tell them this is an emergency and you can't cope any more. Refuse to get off the phone until someone comes up with some real help.

    Do not accept any promises to ring you back, just keep on saying you can't cope. Cry as much as you like.

    I'm sorry, it sounds awful, but in many cases it's the only way you're going to get help.


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