Hi my husband was diagnosed with mild Alzheimers 3 weeks ago. It was and wasn’t a shock but I’m still finding it hard to take in. One day he is ok and the next so moody and in denial of things that he has said. I can manage the memory lapses but finding it so hard with the mood swings. I do everything to make life pleasant and easy but it’s clearly not enough. I know it’s not his fault. I also know what is to come as my Dad has Alzheimer’s. Any help on the moods and how to deal with them and to keep yourself feeling like you haven’t failed please. And why is it just the spouses/partners that see it it? To his family he is just the same
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- Thread starter Julia C
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hi and welcome, my husband was diagnosed in march but he wasnt right a year before when he had a mini stroke. he has vascular dementia.i think the moodiness comes from the dementia not themselves. my husband sometimes said some thing harsh and when i say dont talk to me like that, he almost crumples and says its not him . its the dementia. most of the time, its not them but maybe he is angry scared about the diagnosis. i know its hard for us but when its mild and newly diagnosed its got to be hard for them as well. you havent failed,you are doing your best and i dont think anyone gets it right when it comes to dementia,its just taking one day at a time and get all the help you have available. the dementia lines are good if you want to talk and the gp is brilliant. around this site you will find support and lots of help and hints on how to deal with moods and talking to them. give it a go and welcome
Hi @Julia C and welcome from me too.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis. You must still be in a bit of a daze. You are both trying to come to terms with this and I know it must make it even harder when you feel that you’re the only person to see what is happening to him. I‘m glad you’ve found the forum and I know you will get lots of help and support here. In the meantime you might find this thread useful -
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis. You must still be in a bit of a daze. You are both trying to come to terms with this and I know it must make it even harder when you feel that you’re the only person to see what is happening to him. I‘m glad you’ve found the forum and I know you will get lots of help and support here. In the meantime you might find this thread useful -
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Welcome to talking point. Regarding family, they do not spend as much time with him as you do . And it is frightening for family members if it can happen to him, it could happen to them...so denial of how bad it is ...is somehow the easier way. But if you have seen how things went with your father. There will be no denying, with time he will continue to have behaviors they will not be able to deny.
Hello @JuliaC welcome from me too.
My husband had dreadful mood swings and with hindsight, I think many were caused by fear of what was happening to him.
In time I learnt, if distraction didn`t work it was best if I walked away. I didn`t walk far, just into another room or into the garden or to make a cup of tea. Many times when I returned to offer him tea the mood had passed. If it hadn`t I tried to stay quiet.
I wish I knew then what I know now after years on Dementia Talking Point . It`s easy to know the right thing to do when looking back but much more difficult when you are in the thick of it.
My husband had dreadful mood swings and with hindsight, I think many were caused by fear of what was happening to him.
In time I learnt, if distraction didn`t work it was best if I walked away. I didn`t walk far, just into another room or into the garden or to make a cup of tea. Many times when I returned to offer him tea the mood had passed. If it hadn`t I tried to stay quiet.
I wish I knew then what I know now after years on Dementia Talking Point . It`s easy to know the right thing to do when looking back but much more difficult when you are in the thick of it.
You are absolutely right GrannyG. The psychiatrist tells me I should go into another room, and not react to the mood swings, but it’s easier said than done. In our case the bad mood can last for hours and distraction mostly doesn’t work. I know what I should do, but find it difficult to ignore the problems when I’m here 24/7!
It is easier said than done I know and the mood swings can last for hours. My husband and I spent hours in separate rooms when his moods seemed to go on for ever and I could do nothing right.
I felt if I breathed out I should have breathed in.
We both lived for hours in isolation from each other and it was awful.
I didn`t know any other way of managing the situation and I still don`t.
Welcome @Julia C and sorry to hear of your husband's diagnosis.
My OH was only diagnosed in January of this year so I am still trying to come to terms too and like you it was and wasn't a shock. His mood swings have been awful and unfortunately I have bitten back several times and it always ends up with me in tears and screaming at him that I've had enough. He just sits there and looks at me, or tells me to sell the house so that he can buy a place on his own!
We hit rock bottom a couple of months ago and after speaking to the Doctor, he is now on anti-depressants which has helped his mood a little. I have also started walking away when he gets argumentative saying that i don't want to get upset. I usually go off and do something else for a while and when I return he's as nice a pie.
You will find lots of support from people going through the same as you on here. Good luck.
My OH was only diagnosed in January of this year so I am still trying to come to terms too and like you it was and wasn't a shock. His mood swings have been awful and unfortunately I have bitten back several times and it always ends up with me in tears and screaming at him that I've had enough. He just sits there and looks at me, or tells me to sell the house so that he can buy a place on his own!
We hit rock bottom a couple of months ago and after speaking to the Doctor, he is now on anti-depressants which has helped his mood a little. I have also started walking away when he gets argumentative saying that i don't want to get upset. I usually go off and do something else for a while and when I return he's as nice a pie.
You will find lots of support from people going through the same as you on here. Good luck.
It really is so imperative to recognise that the disease (Alzheimer's) is the culprit and a complex adversary by any standards. Yet WE as carers maintain capacity and all that implies - frustration, upset, sense of failure, confusion and despair and exhaustion. The one living with dementia does not have capacity if Alzheimer's or dementia as a whole has infiltrated their lives. Thus behaviour is governed by the disease. Even " normality" when it presents, is often short lived or indeed still governed by the diseased mind. You cannot challenge dementia as you might an irate person with full capabilities. You cannot apply the everyday status quo nor expect a positive response at all times to what seems wholly reasonable or even loving. As each case is different as indeed each day or hour in respect of dementia, we act day to day and try hard not to react to mood swings or unfamiliar comments. Not at all easy. Alzheimer's can be varied in its progress, but mood swings, depression, apathy, anxiety, paranoia and other features are familiar to those who have been close to that specific dementia in a loved one. You should most certainly not feel a sense of failure when all seems so negative or difficult. Dementia is an immense challenge to the best of intentions and demands respect because it inhabits the one whom cannot combat it, nor understand it, yet who has been claimed by it despite everything.
Saying these are clearly early days sounds rather trite, but alike all of us who have trodden this unique pathway you find ways and means to alleviate conflict, to observe your own state of mind and not be overly concerned about what was once the ideal. As to family members not seeing as you see, this is again very familiar territory. My sister - a highly experienced tutor nurse and a graduate of Great Ormond Street many moons ago with psychiatric patient experience et al - came over from France to assist me with my mother's care. During the two weeks on which my sister engaged with her mother, she openly admitted to being physically drained and that the whole experience had been a "real learning curve".
So, don't feel too disheartened . There are friends here in a rather broad and special community, offering a supportive hand and an empathy combined.
With warmest wishes
Hi @Julia C and welcome. Nearly all on TP will have travelled along the path you find yourself on and each has a unique story to tell but no one will have the same story, such is the way of dementia. Moods swings in the early days are probably the worst to cope with as it is almost impossible to accept that the words said arn't meant or understood by your loved one when said. I found that it was my own responses that caused me most heartache as it took a long time to not react in the normal defensive and critical way each time and the guilt was often overwhelming. Keep following TP as you will get all the advice you will ever need but also find it is a great place to sound off and rant being met with understanding and not criticism. Remember, it is NOT your fault.
