New member Lynn Stanier - What Stage

Lynn Stanier

Registered User
Feb 20, 2008
What Stage

My mother is undoubtedly at number 7.

She is being cared for courageously by my father at home. This morning she fell off her chair and hit her head, the blood is thick in her hair, the wound doesnt look like it needs stitches and she doesnt show any kind of concussion symptoms. She is like a tiger and will not allow any kind of care without resistance, her hair hasnt been touched in months, apart from the occasional trim I do when she isnt paying attention. How do we wash her hair? It takes two to change her incontinence pants and dress/undress her. She is forgetting how to eat, how to get in or out of bed. We are at our wits end.
She recently spent four days in a care home to give my father a break, but they didnt even put her to bed, the reason they gave was that it is against her human rights to put her to bed or wash or change her clothes if she resists (which she does all the time) consequently she came home in a dishevelled state with hugely swollen ankles..
We have carers who we pay to come and help, but they too are unable to fight through the resistance - only my father and I ignore her screams and continue or nothing would be done to clean or change her.
Is there anywhere to go from here? We are already in touch with the Alzheimers Society and Age Concern.


Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
HI Lynn


What a terrible dilemma you and your Dad must find yourselves in. I hope that AZS and Age Concern will help you. My Mum is in the terminal stages.

Personally I find the outcome of some of the legislation quite idiotic. I always consider my Mother's care in the same way that I consider the care of my young sons. They do not understand danger, their needs etc. etc. so if I know that it is beneficial to Mum eg taking medicine, having a bath, getting underwear changed etc. like you and your father I insist that it is done. After all I wouldn't leave a baby in a dirty nappy or unwashed and in dirty clothes and you do force medicine on your kids when they need it. (I still have liquid antibiotic stains in some rooms :eek:)

I sometimes wonder if they thought it through carefully before scripted..but probably not..when do governments ever???

(((hugs)) to you and your family


Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
Hi Lynn,

I replied in the other bit but in case you don't see it I'll reply again here!

I was asking what medication if any your mum is taking?

My mum, although not as far along as yours, has also been very aggressive and constantly lashed out, mostly at my long suffering dad.

However, she is now on a combination of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medication and although it has not made her behaviour perfect by any stretch is has made her more managable.

As Mameeskye said speaking to the AZ society or SS may be a good idea as they may have some suggestions for you.

Thinking of you and your dad


Registered User
Jan 1, 2007
Newcastle upon Tyne
Hi Lynne,
My Dad went into a care home just before Christmas when Mum could no longer cope. After a month he became very aggressive and agitated and was hitting other residents and staff and was totally unco-operative. He was prescribed haliperodol and lorazepam and there was an immediate change. He is now content in his own way. I feel terrible that it has come to this and he is effectively being drugged into submission, but I appreciate that things were in a dreadful state, and he must have been so unhappy, before he was given the drugs so there was no alternative. I know that there are side effects with these drugs and they will be reviewed and possibly withdrawn if possible if he seems stable without them.


Registered User
Feb 20, 2008
Hi Lynn,
I've just registered and this is my first time on the forum so I hope I don't mess this up:) I've got huge admiration for the way you and your father are coping with the difficulties of your mother's illness, hang on in there!
I wanted to ask if it matters if your Mum goes to bed, will she sleep in a chair or on the couch? I only ask because my mother is at about stage 5 and hasn't slept in bed since last October, but she does sleep on her settee and seems content with this. I also ran a care home for 12 years and for years one of my ladies steadfastly refused to sleep in a bed, preferring the chair next to her bed. I took the view that it didn't matter; she slept well, her feet were elevated to avoid any swelling and her cuddly toys remained on the bed where she had very carefully arranged them. It turned out that she lived in London during the blitz of WW2, with her many children and would sleep in her chair next to the bed that the children slept in. When one of her son's visited from Canada and told me this story it all made sense. I hope this helps.


Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
leigh lancashire
excuse my language,but the care homes bloody dishevelled!i can understand the context of the conversation,but my god,to profess the home is in dishevelled,and coming from a carer,i would take it as read,no-one knows better than a carer


Registered User
Jul 10, 2006
south lanarkshire
Hi Lynne

Does your mother have a CPN? Does she have a consultant Psychiatrist?

Either of these professionals can be very helpful.
Does your Mum go to a daycare centre, or attend a day hospital?

If none of the above apply, then it might be worthwhile looking into getting all this help on board.

I think your GP, would refer your mother to the psychiatrist, which should then access the CPN, which could then open lots of doors.

Your Father should also contact SS to have carer's assesment.

Sorry if all of the above is old hat and you have already tried it.