New Member - Father with Dementia - Is is advice I need or do I need to vent?

abz2005

Registered User
Aug 11, 2016
72
0
Hello All,

Apologies in advance for the long fist post I'm writing things as I remember them.

I have just registered as I need advice or just need to vent regarding my Fathers' Dementia.

A little about my father - came from Yemen in the 1960's worked up until he retired in 1998/1999. After that would travel to Yemen with my mother in the winter months. Over the years since his retirement he's built a house in Yemen, my parents last trip was over 2 years ago because of the trouble out there.

I noticed that when he came back the final time he was very different, and would forever be asking me to take him to a town that's in Yemen, always getting on buses looking for this town. My mother told me that their last 2 trips he would be very abusive towards her (he was never like that previously), not physically but verbally. If anyone else is around (myself in particular) he doesn't say anything to her but if I'm not there it's almost as if he's found an opportunity to shout at my mother.

We've taken him to the doctor, he asked him a series of questions (what year are we in, etc) then diagnosed him with mixed Dementia, that's as far as it's gone with the doctor, the doctor does not seem interested in the slightest.

My father is very proud and has become very stubborn if you tell him to do something he will do the opposite, he's always been very independent, even till very recently he will go out every single day, I've lost count the amount of times I've been driving round in the evening looking for him, I've ended up putting my contact details in his buss pass, again the amount of times I've had people ringing me telling me they have my father and I've had to collect him. I even bought him a mobile with GPS so I know where he is, but he has stopped taking it with him as he became suspicious when I was turning up to pick him up when he was lost. There would be times he go out around 10 in the morning and not be back until 10 at night, not eating anything in between.

A few months ago he was knocked down (very slow speed accident) by a car he landed on his knee which flared his arthritis up so he struggles to get around I've bought him many walking sticks but he refuses to use them as it makes him feel "old", he still dyes his hair black, I think he thinks he's a teenager.

All his escapades have been getting on top of me recently so I have just gotten back from a week in Greece with my wife and kids, fat lot of good that did as my mind was back home with my mother and father and I couldn't rest, my sister stopped at home while I was gone to keep an eye on them, one evening she took him to A&E because his feet had swollen up they wanted to keep him in so my sister left him in the hands of the nurses at 12pm she gets a phone call saying he's agitated, she got there to hear him shouting at the top of his voice swearing blind that the Dr's and nurses are cutting people open to sell their organs!!!!!

He also has a problem with incontinence, he tries to make it to the toilet but we find a trail of urine to the toilet and then there's the mess in the toilet, sometimes he won't mention anything other times he will say there's water on the floor in toilet, he will never admit to having an accident, my sister bought him incontinence pads I knew for a fact due to his proud/stubborness he would never wear them and he hasn't. There are times where his clothes really smell bad when we've told him he gets very upset and angry.

A few examples of his "big" escapades.
1. Falling asleep on the train and missing his stop, getting off a few stops down the line, then walking up the line to get back, a train coming up the line stopped and picked him up and dropped him off at the next station where he was met by the police. That day he was convinced he's been to Italy
2. Getting on a train to go home (20 minute ride), ended up in London, we live near Birmingham. I get a phone call from a guy that found him, I was working in Liverpool that day so had to arrange for him to be collected from Wembley Police Station
3. Shouting at bus drivers (numerous times) for not taking him home or going the wrong way, when he has actually gotten on the wrong bus.
4. Telling my wife to make the people on TV a cup of tea.
5. Convinced the house he's in isn't his house and wants to go home
6. Last night dressed ready to go out at 1am I only heard him as he woke me when he was making a drink and broke a mug, I asked where he was going he said I'm going to my house, at 3am he woke my mother to say his sister was just here and why wasn't my mother downstairs to make her a drink (she hasn't been in the country in over 20 years), my mother went down an hour later where I could hear him asking where we are she's telling him it's 4 in the morning everyone is asleep, then he shouts at her to get out of the living room.
7. Numerous times accusing my mother of spying on him, hiding things from him, my mother does nothing but care for him like a child, cooking and cleaning for him, giving him his medication rubbing oils into his legs and feet, etc and all he does is pick on her I do feel sorry for my mother.

Above is just a small example of things he has done!!!

I'll admit that on occasions I've lost my cool and lost it at him which I immediately regret, and my mother doesn't tell me everything as she knows I get upset but I don't want her bottling it up.

The reason for the holiday I was feeling very stressed to the point when I burst into tears in front of my wife one evening, I haven't cried in well over 10 years but it got to much for me, but since coming back (Monday) he seems worse than ever.

We can't stop him from going out I've even told him to wait till I finish work I will take him wherever he wants or my wife or mother will take him anywhere he wants to go, but he waits till no one is around then sneak out, it really is like dealing with a child. If my mother makes him something he will say it doesn't taste nice but if my wife takes the same plate of food to him he says it tastes real nice!!

I'm at the end of my tether I can't imagine how my mother must be feeling.

I am so, so sorry for the giant first post but I needed to vent if anyone has any advice any advice at all I would be so grateful.

Again sorry for the huge first post.

Regards

Abz
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Oh Dear...I'd like to say Welcome to TP but I'm sure you wish you had never needed to find us.

I think that you need to write all of the post out ( print it out and don't change anything) and take or send a copy to Dad's GP. Ask for a referral to a Memory Clinic to see if any medication could be provided to help Dad aso ask that he is referred to the Incontinence Clinic. Print out another copy and ask for a Needs assessment for Dad and a carer's assessment for Mum from the Local Authority Adult Social Care. See if there are any Day Care Centres nearby that Dad could go to, in order to give Mum a break. Find your local AZ Soc and ring them to ask for help and advice.

All of the above are useful sources of help and advice, but if Dad won't co-operate, all the help in the world will be of no use whatsoever until Dad is not able to fight back.
Perhaps...and it's only a perhaps, Dad will respond to GP where he will not take advice from you.

When talking to your GP and to The Soc Services make sure that you make it clear what an impact all of this is having on the rest of the family and that you are struggling to cope. See your own GP too, because I think you might need support too.
Take care and keep posting.
 

Julia-Marie

Registered User
Aug 11, 2016
12
0
Hello

My mother was 'in denial' for a long time, and even though she is now in care home she still doesn't think she has anything wrong with her. Even when she was diagnosed by the memory team, she still refused to accept it. It was very hard on my dad, who was her primary carer, who wanted to take care of her but in the end begged us to put her in a home. I understand how your mother must feel, but think about her health and care when looking at dad too. We left it too late.

It is definitely worth thinking about how you will manage caring for dad now, whether at home with support, or in residential care. You might find you need to make a decision fairly quickly.
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
0
near Folkestone
Hello from me too. Have you considered getting a door alarm and sensors? It might stop your dad sneaking out. Adult social services could help you with these and a GP might be able to prescribe something for his irritability and fretting. Keep on posting as you will find a lot of support from fellow members.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

abz2005

Registered User
Aug 11, 2016
72
0
Thank you so much for your replies and advice. I know for a fact he won't go to day centres or anything like that, he used to speak English fairly well but even that seems to have been forgotten he's speaking to everyone he meets in Arabic.

His Dr is absolutely useless we had one home visit and that's when she mentioned her records showed he had mixed dementia that was around 2 years ago, just after their holiday, and nothing since then. If I go to the Dr he seems to palm me off but I will contact him and ask for a referral to the memory clinic. Here's how comical our visit to the Dr are our last visit he said he needs to eat more veg he then proceeded to draw me a plate of peas and broccoli!!!

I mentioned to my mother the other day if worst came to worst he would have to go into a home, she refused point blank.

I've literally just got in after a phone call from my cousin my dad appeared on his door step he let him in, a while later my cousin had to go to work my dad said to him "leave me here I'll have a sleep here", my cousin rang me and I've just picked him up and brought him home but he looks like he wants to go out again. He has a bad leg and just about makes it from the car to the front door but he wants to go out into town by himself he says we're trying to imprison him.

To be honest and this is not a nice thing to say but I think we just have to be patient and see this out for however long it takes.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
If he is reverting to speaking Arabic and wants to wander what would be the prospects for him going to relatives in Yemen with you supporting them financially for taking care of him. Is this a possibility?
 

abz2005

Registered User
Aug 11, 2016
72
0
Thank you guys for your replies.

Yemen isn't an option due to the number of thieves out there they would rob him blind it's happened before it's also happened a couple of times here.

I've just spoken to my wife she says the memory clinic have been round just after he got back from Yemen but they wouldn't prescribe anything until his condition deteriorated which I think has now so I will be in contact with them.

He's condition is bad at best and a nightmare at worst he's so far from the man that raised me, I'm beginning to think I need to hand my notice in at work and care for him full time to take the burden off my mother.

Thank you all again for your replies