New here, feeling guilty and totally wicked

[justjimjams]

Warning, long confession follows:

Hello all, I come to you feeling very broken inside, having had to admit defeat and assisted getting my mother into a care home.

Guilty, because I thought I would be able to care for her as and when her need arose in later life. Because in my youth I was able to care for my dying father (who was not a good man)... Yet now when my dear mum has need of care and kindness... I cannot do the same for her.

Wicked, because I did try having her with us, and after only a few months, I could not cope with the pace...getting up in the morning to attend to her .. Helping with washing and dressing .. Breakfast, exercises (she had had a hip done), keeping her entertained etc through the day etcetera .. The reverse at night, checking she alright at night...

Why wicked? Because when she started in earnest to be oh so very repetitive.. I. The end I lost it on occasion I am so very very (I'm crying as I type) and I did shout at her... And when she told me (in my own home,not hers) to go away to watch tv...i got cross too. I'm at fault, not her, I should be way more tolerant..

Well, in the end I just got way too exhausted, see, I have health probs, so does husband, I am a wheelchair user (power), husbands mobility little better, and my stamina is not good. I go to bed as a rule quite early (7.30-8), nights are poor, and my pain patches just about manage to keep things at bay...

Until mum...

And I tried so hard, we both did, to care for mum.. She would get quite 'difficult' at times. And my family seem more bothered and busy squabbling about the money and wanting to support their respective corners...

So in the end I said I couldn't cope any more, physically, emotionally everything. I'm a wreck.

And I feel lousy. And bad as anything that I got her to go into a home, and I know she would want to be here with me..

We see her usually every other day, she has gone down hill quite a lot, i feel so very very when i leave her because I know if only I had been stronger, she should have still been home with me.

Apologies for long post... I've been so desperate to tell someone who might understand. I've bottled it all up...

Justjimjams

 

[tp18]

*hugs*

No one can expect anyone to do anything other than their best - and it sounds as if you gave it your all, and did a wonderful job, for as long as you were able. To me, that means you have no need to feel guilty and are most certainly NOT wicked.

 

[creativesarah]

Bless you Jim jams

what a lot you have had on your plate its not easy looking after someone else when you have yourown mobility problems

Try not to beat yourself up with guilt feelings, you did what you considered the best in a difficult situation. You tried - but it was a step too far and now you can at least visit her regularly and find a fresh ability to cope.

If she had fallen while she was with you I'm sure you would have wondered if she would have been better off in a home. That's the way it is the guilt monster always tries to find a way to make you bad.

I hope that here on the forum you will find support and friends who know what it's like to be in a similar situation

Keep posting

Best wishes Sarah

 

[stressed51]

You did your best justjumjams, I know exactly how you feel though, because I felt/feel exactly the same about my OH having gone into CH very recently. Its exhausting and the burden just gets too much, i so wanted to keep my OH at home too. Don't let the guilt get to you, you did what you could for as long as you could xx

 

[SWMBO1950]

"Because in my youth I was able to care for my dying father (who was not a good man)... Yet now when my dear mum has need of care and kindness... I cannot do the same for her".


Hi Justjimjams and welcome

I have copied and pasted something you had written in your post as I feel it is very relevant. We were all able to cope better in our youth but like everything time marches on.

You are certainly not wicked. I have had my times believe you me as have many here when I was not as patient as I should have been. We are but human trying to do something 'super human' without training just gut instinct most of the time. If you are in ill health yourself (as is your husband) you owe it to yourself to keep as well as possible so that you can still visit mum every other day.

My MIL felt the same as you when my FIL went into care as she felt she should be looking after him but sometime their 'needs' out weigh our strength and endurance.

Take credit for all you did for your mum and and the suppport you are still giving her. Give thanks that she in a place where she is safe and being looked after by whatever means are needed.

Dont beat yourself up you have done and are still doing right by your mum xx

 

[hollycat]

Your best, whatever that is no matter how big or small is ALL YOU can do.

We won't and can't JUDGE !

Neither should you JUDGE yourself !

You offered your best and are still offering your best.

If I was your mum, I would be SO SO PROUD of you to call you MY DAUGHTER as you have done the right thing, at the right time, with the right reasons.

If that makes you a bad person, there is no hope for the rest of us !

I would be so proud to call you DAUGHTER !

YOU ARE RIGHT and should be PROUD you are RIGHT !

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hear Hear Hollycat!!

Your best, whatever that is no matter how big or small is ALL YOU can do.

We won't and can't JUDGE !

Neither should you JUDGE yourself !

You offered your best and are still offering your best.

If I was your mum, I would be SO SO PROUD of you to call you MY DAUGHTER as you have done the right thing, at the right time, with the right reasons.

If that makes you a bad person, there is no hope for the rest of us !

I would be so proud to call you DAUGHTER !

YOU ARE RIGHT and should be PROUD you are RIGHT !

 

[Ailsa32]

Sometimes, I'm not sure what's the hardest to deal with - my mums alzheimers & vascular dementia or the guilt of putting her in a care home. But then I have to remember I still have my young family to look after. When my mum was 'my mum' she would never have put any demands on me (unlike my dad). Before getting poorly she had always said 'put me in a home, I can't wait to be looked after, have my meals cooked for me, no cleaning to do anymore, people around me'
Remember you have your own life and health to consider, please don't feel guilty, I'm sure your mum, like mine would never have wanted that. Easier said than done, but you are not alone with your thoughts. Take care xx

 

[Margaret W]

Bloomin heck Jimjams, I'm surprised you did as much as you did. What a star you have been for trying so hard.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, nothing at all. In fact you should feel proud that you did your best and nobody can do better.

Well, I feel proud, just knowing you on this website.

Take heart from what knowledgable people say on here. We've all been through it, and tried our best. There are no wimps on here. They're are amazingly strong people, and you are finding they all think you are too.

Much love

Margaret

 

[tomkitten16]

hi Jimjams-you have nothing to feel guilty about- you have done the very best thing for your poor mum- the guilt is hard to deal with I know as my mum had to go into a CH in oct 2012 and I felt that I had failed her.I realise now after lots of tears and visits to this TP site ,that I have done my best and that is all I can say- T ake care Sending you hugs Lorraine xx

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Thank you!

Hi Justjimjams, you have demonstrated a great deal of courage and strength to do the best thing for your Mum by putting her in a care home. From now on your visits and time spent with her will be enjoyable as you will not have the burden of all the work and stress involved in the huge amount of day to day care.

I expect your Mum shouted at you when you were a child and you probably don't remember - she won't remember you shouting either and losing patience. None of us are saints after all!

I would also like to thank you for raising this as I am definitely going to make sure my own children do not attempt to care for me themselves. We need to make our preferences known early whilst still 'with it'.

A couple of years ago when my Mum was compos mentis, I had the conversation and she said if she was unable to cope alone then she would want to go into a home. It was two weeks ago today (seems a lifetime) and I am still using courage to visit her as she wants to get home to her Mum and Dad and see my Dad (buried 4 years ago).

Cliche I know, but time helps - good luck! x

 

[at wits end]

Golly girl you should feel no guilt!

You did way more than many of us are able to do, I would NEVER have moved my gran into my house. So I had to move her straight from hers into a CH. You did all you could to keep her with you for as long as possible. But sometimes for their sakes it is not possible any longer.

You have to remember all that your mum needs in support and realise it is far more than one person can provide.

Give yourself time, and rest, and these feelings will lessen. Mine are slowly after eight weeks.

 

[gringo]

Hello Jimjams,
Yes, this guilt thing hangs heavily over most of us. I think it shouldn’t hang over you at all. How on earth you managed, having mobility problems as well, amazes me.
You say you shouted at your Mum. Jimjams I have lived happily with my wife for over 60 years, and I shouted at her when the constant pressure of care got too great. And I am fully mobile. It’s this wretched disease which sometimes affects the carer too. If you are guilty of being uncaring, where am I, or the majority of us?

 

[justjimjams]

with tears

It is with many tears I read your replies, to feel 'not alone' helps beyond belief.

I am bedridden today and unable to get to see mum, though she is not far anytime from my thoughts... But via the amazing technology we now have (iPad + speech software), I can access this site.

It seems it is a fairly 'normal' thing to feel this guilty, this lousy etc at the situation I find myself in.. you know, the fact that I'm not the only one who has 'shouted' when things got exceptionally challenging.. Well, that was such a comfort.. I appreciate the honesty.. I truly felt an awful person for that.

Perhaps I will cope better over time with the dreadful feeling of letting mum down...

All I have now are tears. Seeing her dry up before my very eyes.

I have bad nights due to my own health issues.. and it's then that it can be very hard.. I find myself screeching (inside), "Mum! Where are you!..Come back to me!..pleeease!"

My mothers sister... well, she just went to bed one night - and didn't wake in the morning. How I wish mum had done the same (forgive me if that sounds heartless of me).

Justjimjams

 

[Butter]

Not heartless at all - heart-full. Isn't that what we all wish for?

 

[tomkitten16]

not heartless at all- my sister and I have just visited mum in the CH and she was crying as her denture has infected her mouth it is sore and we were told she had been screaming with the pain so the g.p had been called.She cannot speak in a way to be understood so she had been suffering.My sister and I wish ,whole heartedly,that mum would die in her sleep to escape the indignity of this horrible illness- hope this doesn't upset anyone as I don't mean to seem callous.Lorraine xx

 

[jan1962]

It is with many tears I read your replies, to feel 'not alone' helps beyond belief.

I am bedridden today and unable to get to see mum, though she is not far anytime from my thoughts... But via the amazing technology we now have (iPad + speech software), I can access this site.

It seems it is a fairly 'normal' thing to feel this guilty, this lousy etc at the situation I find myself in.. you know, the fact that I'm not the only one who has 'shouted' when things got exceptionally challenging.. Well, that was such a comfort.. I appreciate the honesty.. I truly felt an awful person for that.

Perhaps I will cope better over time with the dreadful feeling of letting mum down...

All I have now are tears. Seeing her dry up before my very eyes.

I have bad nights due to my own health issues.. and it's then that it can be very hard.. I find myself screeching (inside), "Mum! Where are you!..Come back to me!..pleeease!"

My mothers sister... well, she just went to bed one night - and didn't wake in the morning. How I wish mum had done the same (forgive me if that sounds heartless of me).

Justjimjams

hi justjimjams

please dry your tears, you are not heartless at all i am sure that we all have had that same feeling at times i know i did. you now have to put your own health first as if this gives way then you will be know use to anyone.

once you get your feelings in check you will be able to find that you are still caring for her but in a different way, you can know have quality time with her.

you are a good daughter and have done more for your mum than anyone should.

please enjoy your time visiting your mum remembering the good times and not dwelling on the bad.

keep posting so that we can continue to support you through this rough time.


jan1962

 

[SWMBO1950]

Bless you and I hope you will be feeling better tomorrow and able to visit your Mum. xx

It is with many tears I read your replies, to feel 'not alone' helps beyond belief.

I am bedridden today and unable to get to see mum, though she is not far anytime from my thoughts... But via the amazing technology we now have (iPad + speech software), I can access this site.

It seems it is a fairly 'normal' thing to feel this guilty, this lousy etc at the situation I find myself in.. you know, the fact that I'm not the only one who has 'shouted' when things got exceptionally challenging.. Well, that was such a comfort.. I appreciate the honesty.. I truly felt an awful person for that.

Perhaps I will cope better over time with the dreadful feeling of letting mum down...

All I have now are tears. Seeing her dry up before my very eyes.

I have bad nights due to my own health issues.. and it's then that it can be very hard.. I find myself screeching (inside), "Mum! Where are you!..Come back to me!..pleeease!"

My mothers sister... well, she just went to bed one night - and didn't wake in the morning. How I wish mum had done the same (forgive me if that sounds heartless of me).

Justjimjams

 

[Rooley]

I'm just a few steps behind you

Hi Jimjams

I'm going to summaries a bit here because it's late and I have work to get up for in 6 hours but, Mum's been living with me for 5 years and in the last 2 her health has deteriorated rapidly, especially since August.

I've got a very demanding job and am the bread winner for my family (DH and 2 kids) and it's reached the point where I can't give Mum the care I believe she needs.

I give her breakfast in bed now having to feed her, and mostly she is still in bed when I get home. She has no life, her needs are more than I can provide and I feel wracked with guilt at the thought of going down the care home route but I see no alternitive, for the sake of my sanity, health and the happiness of my family.

Try not to beat yourself up... what' you're feeling is natural, but the situation you found yourself in didn't work for all concerned and it had to change.

Take care of you x

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Oh yes I agree it would be much easier for the sufferer!

Not heartless at all - heart-full. Isn't that what we all wish for?