New friendship in CH

[Pianocat]

hi everyone, I’ve been reading the posts on here for a while, they are so helpful. But this is my first question. My father has Alzheimers and has lived in a lovely specialist CH since April this year. I have one sister, we are very close, and our Mum died almost 5 years ago.
Our Dad has developed a close ‘friendship’ with a fellow female resident. They hold hands and kiss and she talks to him with lots of affection. He doesn’t really speak much but he smiles a lot and the staff say that he’s much more engaged and smiley since this friendship began. My sister and I quite often feel like a gooseberry when we go visit and on my last visit he didn’t really respond to me at all yet was looking for her. The staff at the CH have put a risk assessment in place to make sure they’re both safe and that it’s not affecting their well-being. There’s been one incident when Dad’s hit another resident when they threatened this friendship, and now there’s been some sort of incident when they were found together in another residents bathroom in the middle of the night. My feelings are complex - I’m jealous I think, I’m grieving for my mum, and for my parents long and happy marriage and I can see that it comforts him. But it is very difficult to cope with and I feel very upset. I wonder if anyone had any thoughts?
thank you to everyone who posts and replies, it’s a great source of support.

 

[karaokePete]

I think people are entitled to be happy. However, I also think that the CH are taking correct action.

It’s important to ensure safety and the thoughts of the lady’s family also have to be considered.

I have a vague memory of this subject being discussed before so I’m pretty sure you will get other replies.

 

[Frank24]

No experience of this but can understand you find it upsetting and hard.
I think that is a normal reaction when you see the changes this disease brings along with it.
You/Some people might not agree, but I would try and consider that your Dad is not his usual self, and probably seeking some comfort in a strange situation.
Hope you feel better soon if that is possible!

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Yes this is a subject that has come up before. As long as he and his friend are happy, I think it should be let alone. I do think it's often harder for the families to deal with. Also, it's interesting to me how a person can refuse to be washed for days on end and the answer is they cannot be forced, it's their right to refuse etc but if sex rears its embarrassing head, staff are quick to try and nip it in the bud, without any hesitation about "rights" and choice etc.

I'm not saying anything either way about sex, I simply find it a tad hypocritical on the part of the staff.

For families, it is a very different issue, particularly if the spouse of the PWD is still alive. There are too many emotions. Quite often adult children find it difficult when a well parent develops a new relationship, so it can be doubly compounded when the parent has dementia. Of course, there is always the reluctance for children to think about their parents having sexual urges and a sex life, even if the parent is well.

 

[marionq]

I like to believe that I would want my husband to have a friend if he had to go into a care home. At his daycare the ladies are very pleased to see him and quite protective of him but I don’t think romantically inclined. He’s too detached for that I think.

We’ve been together so long I can’t imagine him with someone else yet it would be so sad if he had no one. Tricky situation.

 

[love.dad.but..]

My dad when in his NH received physical attention from another chap which started as a positive friendship albeit mainly instigated by the other resident but quickly escalated into behaviour that needed addressing as a matter of urgency. It became a safeguarding matter for Dad primarily but for both residents as neither were considered to have mental capacity. The analogy of personal care refusal and physical sexual contact between residents is an interesting one however in dad's NH the issue of achieving personal care with one who was resistant or refused...dad was one...seemed to be dealt with to prevent inevitable self neglect and to act in the best interests of the pwd was a key factor. I think that a sexual relationship between 2 residents would have to be on the basis that both have sufficient and same level of mental capacity to consciously make such a choice and decision ... only 1 of the 2 having mental capacity to be fully aware would be a safeguarding issue. I would think the balance of taking all factors into consideration with duty of care to their vulnerable residents must be difficult for staff to know how far a friendship should go...holding hands..peck on the cheek..cuddles and hugs...give a great deal of comfort but more than that needs a great deal of thought and discussion. As the OP has shown friendships can also become very intense and possessive...this became so with the chap who thought dad was his partner...and that can lead to other problems. It is a tricky dilemma.