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New disabled with an undiagnosed mum :(

SamiB

New member
Jun 28, 2022
9
0
Hi,

I just wanted to say hello and I guess no one really wants to join these groups but they are here and I'm at a loss.

My mother has been showing signs for over a year now. She refuses to go to the memory clinic or the fall clinic. The GP has been disgusting and it was only yesterday we thought we had a bit of a breakthrough as I took dad to the GP about my mum. He felt he was betraying her as she didn't know. She's extremely controlling and has mental health issues anyway, that's without adding on a very traumatic childhood that she had to deal with. I also believe she would have been diagnosed with autism if she was younger.

So dad has bad health, in fact we all do. I live next door with my hubby who is also disabled but works full time. My kids are grown but also have disabilities. My physical disabilities mean I literally can't care for her or dad but she refuses to have help in. She refuses for anything but what she wants and she gives my dad a hard time. They use to be nicknamed Jack and Vera but this has a more sinister side since dad retired.

Although we had already discussed all of this and how we would work forward father's day was a nightmare. She went for my husband but I was quicker thankfully to stop her. I saw she wasn't right and guarded her hands like I did when nursing dementia patients at the hospital. She then wrapped her hands around me and dug her very long nails in all whilst shouting that I was hurting her. We calmed her down and I called for an ambulance 7 times and got ignored. Still haven't heard anything job from them!

I had to teach out the my sister who I hadn't spoken to in 2 yrs for my own mental health's and I'm epileptic so have to keep seizures at bay. We spoke for over 2 hours and it seems we've been on the same page for the past year and had the same concerns. She lives abroad and I know she can't do anything apart from what she's doing. My other two siblings have not contacted my dad or mum, I get excuses that they have 'thier own demons' and 'she's got autistic kids' excuse all the time. Now I have autistic kids and it's hard but I've been my mums carer since I was young and moved out. I never used it as an excuse. I had 3 kids under 4 and when she had her heart attack I did the running round of my single siblings. I know I have anger towards them but to be honest I just want them to help my parents.

My dad isn't like the man who has always been my best friend. He's beaten down and he has no friends. He's not allowed out or even to mine for a cup of coffee. He admitted to me she was abusive to him and then he showed me scars on his arms, which was what got me into safeguarding for my father to keep them both safe. He feels he is betraying her having these conversations with doctors and me behind her back but he knows all hell will break loose if she knows but he knows this has to stop and he has to help her.

I'm just at a loss of what to do, I've reached out to some organisations and dealt with one lovely GP but the one today was another level of ignorance. She asked me what she should do and as a disabled person who has had to fight for everything, that was the wrong question.

I've seen mam and suggested I do a manicure and paint her nails as she use to do it but for me it's to clip her claws in a way she won't react. She will do things if I do it with her but I don't have the health to do what she needs. I would care for her full time if I wasn't disabled and had major health issues. I feel lost, numb and angry. I have beautiful grown kids who are so loving and caring and a wonderful husband but they don't know what my mam can be like in her worse ways as I've protected them.

Sorry for what seems like a ramble but I don't know what else to do 🥺😭
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
67,280
0
71
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @SamiB. You’re not rambling at all This is the very place to share your thoughts and concerns and when you need to have a rant this is the place for you as well.
 

Libbybookworm

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
98
0
"She went for my husband but I was quicker thankfully to stop her. I saw she wasn't right and guarded her hands like I did when nursing dementia patients at the hospital. She then wrapped her hands around me and dug her very long nails in all whilst shouting that I was hurting her. We calmed her down and I called for an ambulance 7 times and got ignored. Still haven't heard anything".
It strikes me that, as I have read many times on this forum, now is the time to call the police any time she is violent.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,897
0
South coast
She went for my husband but I was quicker thankfully to stop her. I saw she wasn't right and guarded her hands like I did when nursing dementia patients at the hospital. She then wrapped her hands around me and dug her very long nails in all whilst shouting that I was hurting her. We calmed her down and I called for an ambulance 7 times and got ignored. Still haven't heard anything job from them!
It sounds drastic (and your dad will probably object), but its the police you need, rather than an ambulance. They have the authority to contact the Emergency Psychiatric Team and will also send a report to Social Services.
Your mum needs medication to control the violence. SS and the GP need to know what is going on - she could seriously injure your dad.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,342
0
Kent
but they don't know what my mam can be like in her worse ways as I've protected them.

Perhaps now is the time to stop @SamiB. Your mother is out of control and perhaps this could be dealt with better as a family.

Perhaps she is unable to help her behaviour but it doesn't mean it is acceptable. Your loyalty might be stopping her and the family getting essential help and support.

Please contact emergency social services as soon as possible or the police if your mother has another episode.
 

SamiB

New member
Jun 28, 2022
9
0
Thank you all for your concerns and I did ring 999 when she was lashing out 7 times. No answer or even a follow up. I had her I the GP's the next day as I didn't know she was lashing out like she was until Father's day. The GP is aware that she's lashing out and I told them in front of my dad that it's now a safeguarding issue but I have to wait till Thursday. I didn't know she had been lashing out until Father's day. She would tap people with her cane previously but it's not straight forward. When I said I protected them, I was referring to my grown kids not doctors. They are at an age where they call her out for speaking abusive or they walk away which is something I've told them to do but my kids didn't need to see her behaviour growing up because they needed to stay kids. Now they are adults, they have an understanding as we are very close and they are aware of the lashing out. The family know what she's like but that's why they stay away or have little to do with her. They wouldn't get involved until now.

Although I'm disabled I am an ex youth worker who worked with young people and adults up to the age 65. (Homeless project for the young people and we had one supported housing for up to 65yr olds) and I have dealt with many safeguarding issues and I can say as a whole in the area I am in that the LA isn't very good with dealing with them. The reason there is an intervention is because of what was witnessed and I've spoke with my estranged sister and dad to say that I will section her if needs be. It's not something I want to do but it's for her and my dad's own good. They both support me but they know it's to keep them both safe.

When I wrote this post yesterday, it was in tears and that's why I apologised for rambling. As there is too much information to get in one post. So thank you for the concerns but I've already explained to the GP that I don't have an issue calling 999 for help, if they pick up that is. I don't understand why they didn't find out my number if they had 7 missed calls. That is something I have started to look into why they didn't respond but I doubt I will get any answers.
 
Last edited:

SamiB

New member
Jun 28, 2022
9
0
It sounds drastic (and your dad will probably object), but its the police you need, rather than an ambulance. They have the authority to contact the Emergency Psychiatric Team and will also send a report to Social Services.
Your mum needs medication to control the violence. SS and the GP need to know what is going on - she could seriously injure your dad.
The GP's are very aware of this all now and I even said it was a safeguarding issue now due to my dad being left alone. I rang 999 and didn't get anyone as I originally was going to ask for the police but then thought paramedics as she had calmed but they never talked to me. My dad is aware that I will be drastic if need be and although very sad he supports me if I had to do it.
 

SamiB

New member
Jun 28, 2022
9
0
Perhaps now is the time to stop @SamiB. Your mother is out of control and perhaps this could be dealt with better as a family.

Perhaps she is unable to help her behaviour but it doesn't mean it is acceptable. Your loyalty might be stopping her and the family getting essential help and support.

Please contact emergency social services as soon as possible or the police if your mother has another episode.

She has times when she knows what's she's doing and times she doesn't. It is something I've called her out on for years but as I'm the youngest if 4, I've always been ignored about it and told it's just the way it is. I feel like I've been shouting in the wind.

I've been fighting to get her help for my whole adult life, I've stayed living next door to my parents for the last 10yrs especially because of them. My dad is the one whose always put his foot down and protected her. It wasn't until Father's day that he admitted to me that she had been physically hurting him, apart from the odd taps with the cane which was either taken off her by me or a talk about abuse that would just end up in shouting row.

I do believe that if they had tested her for Autisim years ago when I asked, she would have been clearly diagnosed but how many older people have that diagnosis? Now we aren't going to know for sure but I've contacted a lot of professionals about her and explained her good, bad and ugly side to them all to try and get help.

She hasn't lashed out since and I check my dad every day now but I already decided over a year ago that I don't mind being the bad guy, except my eldest sister who is estranged supports me as does my dad if it happens again.

I wish it was as simple that she's just got older and now having these outbursts. It's so much more complicated than that and text has no tone. So I understand people's reactions to my post and now I'm fully aware of everything I can do something about it but if I'm kept in the dark because they know I would deal with it and she wouldn't like it, I can only go on what I see.
 

SamiB

New member
Jun 28, 2022
9
0
It strikes me that, as I have read many times on this forum, now is the time to call the police any time she is violent.
I did tried 7 times ringing 999 but they didn't answer and had no follow up calls. Which I thought was extremely strange but I'm following that up. Yes she didn't react well but I'm about keeping people safe and she want. She hasn't done it since but yes it was a time for that and I've no qualms in doing it again. I've started to ask questions with the emergency services about lack of response.
 

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