New dementia carer Jayne

[Jayne1962]

Hi I’m caring for my 96 year old dad who doesn’t live with me
He’s got vascular dementia with Parkinson’s (so they tell me ) he has very vivid dreams and never stops talking rubbish about being robbed and people in his house.he doesn’t think he lives her there’s another house somewhere-he has numerous health issues prostate cancer diabetes heart issues deaf n glaucoma just to name a few
I come as often as I can but find myself shouting at him all the time he’s not my dad anymore I’m just his carer (as well as the other carers) and he just sits here telling me no one believes him and gets irate
I have got to the stage where I’ve had enough I can’t do this for the rest of my life but he’s not a danger to himself and I think to send him to a home will send him total gaga what can I do ?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Dementia will progress at its own rate no matter where a person lives - a care home won't make your dad worse. On the contrary, many people thrive in care homes because they have company 24/7 rather than being left alone for long periods, e.g. overnight.

Besides, it sounds like you will be the one going totally gaga if you carry on trying to care for him. Not everyone is cut out to be a carer - I certainly wasn't. The important thing is acting in the best interests of the person to get them the care they need. It doesn't have to be you doing it.

If he moves to a care home, you can go back to being his daughter again, rather than his carer and your relationship may improve as a result.

 

[Jayne1962]

Dementia will progress at its own rate no matter where a person lives - a care home won't make your dad worse. On the contrary, many people thrive in care homes because they have company 24/7 rather than being left alone for long periods, e.g. overnight.

Besides, it sounds like you will be the one going totally gaga if you carry on trying to care for him. Not everyone is cut out to be a carer - I certainly wasn't. The important thing is acting in the best interests of the person to get them the care they need. It doesn't have to be you doing it.

If he moves to a care home, you can go back to being his daughter again, rather than his carer and your relationship may improve as a result.

He did go to a care home for a week while I was away it was a nightmare for him and ended up in hospital-I like you thought he would love the company and entertainment but he thought he was in prison and the carers were prostitutes and everyone was stealing all his things wished it had never happened ?

 

[canary]

Hello @Jayne1962 and welcome to Talking Point

You sound terribly overwhelmed and stressed and it sounds like there are lots of things going on. You are obviously having difficulty caring for your dad (which is fair enough - its far from easy), but there arnt many alternatives.

I may not be addressing your main problems, but here are a few random thoughts

he just sits here telling me no one believes him and gets irate

Are you trying to persuade him that the things he is telling you are not true? Im afraid that this is typical of dementia. Many people with dementia get False Memories to fill in the gaps where real memories have been lost. It is also a feature of LBD that they have vivid dreams that they mistake for reality. All of this means that he is certain that he is right because he remembers it and suggesting that he is wrong will just make him angry. As far as possible, go along with his delusions (but not the ones where the carers are prostitutes!!) and try and change the narrative.

You might find this link helpful to give you pointers

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

You are not going to be able to do this alone, so I do hope your dad has professional carers, day care or some other form of professional support. If not, do please contact Social Services for a needs assessment (they do unfortunately have a back=log at the moment)

The only other option is a residential home. Do not let the last home put you off. Not all care/nursing homes are the same and it doesnt sound to me as though that one was able to meet his needs. I found myself wondering why he ended up in hospital?

 

[Jayne1962]

Dementia will progress at its own rate no matter where a person lives - a care home won't make your dad worse. On the contrary, many people thrive in care homes because they have company 24/7 rather than being left alone for long periods, e.g. overnight.

Besides, it sounds like you will be the one going totally gaga if you carry on trying to care for him. Not everyone is cut out to be a carer - I certainly wasn't. The important thing is acting in the best interests of the person to get them the care they need. It doesn't have to be you doing it.

If he moves to a care home, you can go back to being his daughter again, rather than his carer and your relationship may improve as a result.

He did go to a care home for a week while I was away it was a nightmare for him and ended up in hospital-I like you thought he would love the company and entertainment but he thought he was in prison and the carers were prostitutes and everyone was stealing all his things wished it had never happened ?