New Confusion

[MrsMoose]

My father-in-law has two sons.

He moved into a care home on Saturday and today I went to see him.

A member of staff went up to tell him his daughter in law had arrived.

He came down looking puzzled saying, 'Hello. Why did they tell me my daughter in law was here.'

I said, 'Well, what relation am I to you.'

And he replied, 'You're my daughter.'

I didn't know whether to be touched that he used a word which meant he regarded me as someone who was close to him. Or sad because he's losing so much.

I just said, 'Oh well, you're the nearest thing to a father I have since my own father died.'

 

[marionq]

I think that is very sweet. Sometimes I'm my husbands daughter which is more ridiculous than sweet.

 

[Amy in the US]

That's a very touching story, Mrs Moose.

How are things going with the new care home? Early days, I know, but I know how stressful things have been for you. Sending best wishes your way.

 

[MrsMoose]

That's a very touching story, Mrs Moose.

How are things going with the new care home? Early days, I know, but I know how stressful things have been for you. Sending best wishes your way.

Hi Amy. I think we're finding sorting out belongings in my father in law's old flat (he was in sheltered accommodation) very tiring. I think he's doing well given how much he likes routine. The staff have been able to persuade him to have an assisted shower and he is enjoying the food. He finds having just one room - as opposed to a bedroom and a sitting room - a bit restricting, but says people are kind. The staff feel that he's settling in well.

 

[Amy in the US]

Mrs M, I definitely hear you on the big job of sorting/clearing your FIL's flat. My mother's flat had a lot of storage space and everything was absolutely crammed with stuff, incredible amounts of stuff. And of course we had to be careful to go through everything to make sure we weren't throwing money, jewelry, important paperwork, or other valuable in the rubbish heap. So I've been there and got the t-shirt, and you have my sympathy. Company helps, as does music you enjoy, as do regular breaks and snacks and meals. I also found wearing gloves (like exam gloves, two pairs) helped as my mother was a smoker and everything in her flat was icky to me. Not touching it helped!

I could have written your post. My mother also felt, right after she moved into her care home, that the space was too small (an all in one sitting and bedroom, with an attached full bathroom). And it did seem small, compared to her previous flat (two bedroom and two bathroom and two sitting rooms plus kitchen and all those closets).

However, I soon became aware that she actually did better in a smaller space. It seems restrictive, but she couldn't cope with her larger flat, and having everything in one room was helpful, less confusing, to her.

The staff can be a great resource for you and do not hesitate to ring them for an update or have a private chat about how things are going. When I wasn't visiting my mother after she moved in, I found that my phone calls with the staff helped me to start to get to know them and establish relationships, which has been just as important as the information they give me.

Sending you buckets of good wishes and hope you'll update us when you have time and energy, if you're inclined. Hang in there.