new carer


Registered User
Aug 22, 2007
i have just discoverd this forum today and am amazed at the help and support that everyone gives each other. I have just taken on caring for my mother in law who has moved with us to a house with an annex, she can remain independant to a degree but i do a lot for her and am on hand if she should need me..its harder than i thought and this was not taken on without a lot of thought and ecperience,, i am a agency nurse previoulsy caring for alzheimer patients but didnt bargain for the emotional toll it would take and the feeling of beeing trapped that i have..oh here comes the guilt too !!! i feel cheated out of my freedom having just a year child free with all grown up and settled elsewhere, i was just getting used to being with my husband on our own and now we have mother here too..sorry to all you people who have selflessly cared for years, what a moaner you must think i i dont get such a bad deal..but that dosnt stop the do i cope with that??? i would appreciate any help or advice.

Gill W

Registered User
Jan 31, 2007
Co. Durham
Hi Hazelflower,

Welcome to TP, sorry that you had to find it, but it's the best place to be!

You've as much right as all of us to moan and groan, it's never taken the wrong way in this forum, lord knows I've done enough of it! We all need somewhere to let off steam, and this is just the place.

Perhaps somewhere along the line you'll be able to organise some respite care for your MIL, so that you and your husband get to spend some quality time together. You needn't feel guilty about your feelings, it's only natural to feel trapped, Alzheimers is very difficult to deal with.

Look into what sort of help you can get from Social Services, and accept all that is offered. You need time out to get yourself together now and again, to be of the best help possible to your MIL.

In the meantime, keep posting when you feel chewed, there are lots of wonderful people here who can help and support, and it makes such a huge difference. You'll wonder how you did without it!



Registered User
Aug 22, 2007
daer gill

thank you so much for your reply....i feel better already, we have in fact organise dsome respite and are having a weekend away to see my mum soon so all is not bad


hazel xx

Gill W

Registered User
Jan 31, 2007
Co. Durham
Brilliant! Good to hear that. Its funny when but when you start caring for someone so vulnerbale, it's difficult to tear yourself away from them for the feeling that you're neglecting them.

In actual fact, it is better to leave the care to someone else for a while, so that you come back revitalised and raring to go again, then you're providing even better care for your loved one.

Bite the hand of every offer of help, there ain't nowt wrong with that!



Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
hazelflower said:
, what a moaner you must think i am...
Hi Hazel, welcome to TP. Nobody thinks you're a moaner, it gets us all down from time to time, and being able to talk about it here saves us from taking it out on our loved ones.

I'm glad you've managed to arrange some respite, a break now and again will help you to cope for longer.

Post again whenever you feel the need, even if you just want to talk.


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
hazelflower said:
..its harder than i thought and this was not taken on without a lot of thought and ecperience,, with .
Hello Hazel.

I used to work in a special school, and during school holidays, I offered respite care to some of the parents on a daily basis.
I know you will understand what a difference I found having the children at home, compared with working with them at school.

When you are working with people in need, be they adults or children, that is all you have to focus on, the task in hand, during working hours.
When they are with you at home, it is a totally different ball game. It`s 24/7, with no lunch breaks, you are tied to the house, you have other tasks and responsibilities and it`s so much harder.

At least you have been able to arrange some respite care. Try to do it as often as possible.

Take care xx


Registered User
Mar 20, 2007
Hi Hazel,

Welcome to TP, hope you get as much out of it as I do, thank goodness I found it when I did.

My last child left home ( I have 4 and 2 grandchildren ) and my Mum mpved in with me and my partner 3 months later.

We had 2 spare rooms and Mum couldn't manage by herself any longer, it seemed the right thing to do, our choice

I know what you mean about freedom, we ( Paul and I) have very little quality time together and a year down the line, we have got used to Mum being around.
It's about getting the right balance with other relationships and I find I have to have routine now.
Gone are the days of doing things on the spur of the moment, as Paul says 'We are still living our lives, just in a different way, thats all.'

I hope you can find the right balance and read other members old posts to get some helpful tips, there are alot of TPers who have cared for thei loved ones for years.
Take Care Bye for now
Janetruth x



Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
i feel cheated out of my freedom
Hi Hazel,
Welcome to TP. Loss of freedom I can relate to that, I think probably that's the biggest thing I miss, been able to be spontaneous. Enjoy your weekend away and as Gill said, take everything on offer. Best Wishes. Taffy.


Registered User
Aug 21, 2007
Hi Hazelflower

Anger, frustration, resentment and then guilt, sooo familar. Yup, been through it all many times. And know that I'm going to go through it again many times. I've come to realise that it's natural to feel resentment, difficult not to bite when times are bad, hard not to take it out on the rest of the family who seem to be having a wonderful time doing exactly what they want when they want, even harder not to take it out on the person who's 'causing' it. Then there's the not knowing when it will all end and the guilt again for even thinking that. But I've also come to realise recently that my anger and frustration is often because I'm actually scared for my Dad because I don't really understand what's happening to him and I hate seeing it, and I know he hates being so dependent on me so can get very awkward. And it all starts again!

I find it helps to talk to anyone and everyone about it, even when they get that glazed here she goes again look, sometimes somebody just listening to you can make things seem an awful lot better. When somebody asks how you're doing tell them how you're really doing. And yes, accept all offers of help however small, you may find an unexpected angel out there like I did.

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire

Phew, what a graphic description of how it all is for all of us. I couldn't have said it any better. Everybody reading your post must find themselves feeling the same. Have you thought of writing a book? You certainly know how to describe the truth.




Registered User
Aug 22, 2007
thank you

thanks to all of you for your messages and understanding, i have to say i feel like a real bad guy compared to all you angles out come im the only one who dosnt like the person im caring for..i must be some sort of horrid person to say this. if anyone would like to email me regualrly to remind me of how i should be then feel free..and that wasnt meant to be sarcastic..i mean i would realy like some contact regularly with some of you, not just by posting messages. we have aragend some rsepite as i said and im so looking forward to the weekend..mainly because we will have the chance to see my own mum..who i love very much and only get to see about twice a year..hence the bitterness i think. anyway thanks all of you again and if you would like to email me its I'm sorry Hazel, but board policy is not to allow the posting of email addresses. Do feel free to post whenever you like. Jennifer
Last edited by a moderator:


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Dear Hazelflower

There is no way you "should be". I am in awe of those who take care of their loved ones 24/7 and while circumstances didn't allow me to do this for MY mother, I have to say, and have said before, that that is probably just as well: I know my own limitations. I have many good qualities (she says tooting her own horn) but patience, while a virtue, isn't one of mine. I do think you can learn it a bit though. I think the key to your first post is the word "new". "New" at anything is hard, new doing this is very hard, particularly as I imagine that at this time in your life the last thing you thought you would be doing is taking on this role.

Sometimes you're going to have to find yourself a quiet corner where you can scream. Alternatively come here to TP: we can all relate to the frustrations and resentment you feel, and it's a great outlet for the times when all you want to do is run away from home.

Best wishes


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