New and wondering how you cope .


Registered User
Jan 27, 2008
Hi ,
it's my nan who has senial dementia she is 80 and has had dementia a while but it was accellerated by her having an impacted bowel a year ago . Just recently my grandad was in hospital ( he has liver failure and outlook is not great ) , due to lack of support from s.s and being fobbed off ( long story ) we had no choice but to put nan into respite care , she is still there after 5 weeks as we are still awaiting a package of care ! Since being in the home she has gone down hill ( another long story ) . My main question is how do you deal with the nastyness , my nan can be sweet as anything to one person but completely awful to me , she is so hurtfull and I know that it's not her fault but there are times when i think she hides behind the dementia mask . God that sounds awful . Its awful as i know the nan i had has gone and i'm afraid that i will forget that nan and that i will only ever rememeber this nan ! Sorry to rabbit on but i feel so alone with all this , i'm a 28 yr old mum of 4 and have NO experience of this , i'm walking around in the dark getting nowhere quick !
Thanks for reading xxx


Account Closed
Nov 23, 2007
The anger and being nasty, it will pass in time

Our loved ones do not mean it. It is a sign of this aweful disease. Hang in there, yes it is hard, but worth it.


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Hi Pink

I think most of us here were pretty ignorant of dementia until it popped up & smacked us between the eyes!

A 'popular' misconception of it is that an old person just slows down & eventually ends up sitting in a corner smiling & talking to imaginary friends. Whilst there is a germ of truth in that, there is - as you have discovered - a whole lot of other possibilities, including change of character and aggressive bahaviour. Dementia can be made worse by infections (especially urinary tract infections - UTIs) and it looks like that happened to your Nan.

I don't imagine that with 4 children you have a whole lot of time to spare, but if you (or other family members) can keep on at Social Services or Doctors for an assessment of her condition and a care package, I would say go for it! Sadly, you often have to make a real nuisance of yourselves before you'll get results.

Best wishes


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Pink

Most of us here had no experience of dementia before it jumped up and hit us, and yes, it does knock you for six.

It must be difficult for you, with four children to care for. Please don't take your nan's unpleasantness personally, though I know that is difficult. Just try to remember that it's the illness talking, not your nan. She really doesn't mean it, and she can't help it.

Ask questions here as often as you like, lots of people have had similar experiences, and will support you.



Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
Wigan, Lancs
Hi Pink,

I can't really help you with how you cope with the nastiness, but maybe offer some explanation.

My Dad who has denentia is normally fine with me, but my Mum his main carer takes an awful lot of abuse. We put it down to hurting the one you love and need the most.

I do understand when you say that your nan may be hiding behind the dementia mask. It seems unbelievable that a dementia sufferer can act one way with family and then put on such a good show in front of outsiders.

My mum and I had a really bad weekend with my Dad a few months ago when we thought we were going to have to have him sectioned. My sister then called on the Monday and he was charming, interested and relevant. If she hadn't known better she would have thought there was nothing wrong with him.

You do have to remind yourself that they are ill and can't help it, even though sometimes it seems that they are deliberately hurting you.

I'm sure dementia is very frightening and frustrating for the sufferer and my Dad needs a convenient punchbag. Unfortunately it's my Mum and in your nan's case may be you.


Registered User
Jan 27, 2008
Thankyou so much for replying , i feel so much better to have found this site . I will keep on at s.s i have been s.workers headache over these weeks . I have been horrified at how the elderly are treated . I do know that my nan is ill and that its the dementia 'talking' , but i'm just learning how to deal with it . There is only me and my cousin to look after them and she is a student nurse so is very busy , so there is no family to lean back on occasionally . Thankyou all again .

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Keep posting Pink, we are all in the same boat as far as this awful illness is concerned.
It helps to share worries and experiences with people who understand and there are plenty of us here for you.
Love xx


Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
I will keep on at s.s i have been s.workers headache over these weeks .

I do know that my nan is ill and that its the dementia 'talking' , but i'm just learning how to deal with it .

There is only me and my cousin to look after them and she is a student nurse so is very busy , so there is no family to lean back on occasionally .
Dear Pink,

Many people have found the truth in "It is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil"!! That means, keep on making as much fuss as possible about your care package for Nan! Don't hesitate to use the "poor me" tactic too!

Many of us believe we have to be stoical and not make a fuss - it is how we were raised. But my advice is to make a LOT of fuss - ring every day. Tell them how you are the arget of your Nan's bitterness so you can't help much. Tell them you have 4 kids to cope with as well, and that you can only do so much. After all, this is the truth!!

Coping with your Nan's bitterness and attacks is incredibly hard and I have no good advice for you. I can only say, think of your Nan as you would a machine that is malfunctioning. Something in her brain is causing your Nan to "malfunction" and dothings she would have not have done when she was well.

This doesn't help with the incredible pain you feel though, and I can only say I'm very sorry for you.

You say there is just you and your cousin to look after Nan. This is a BIG burden for both of you, but especially you. Is this due to distance? Are there other relatives who live away somewhere or is it just the two of you left??

Sending you caring wishes for the difficult times ahead.


Registered User
Jan 27, 2008
There is no - one else as my mum did a 'bunk ' last November , a week later I found my collapsed and so the story begins . My cousins mum also did a bunk a good few years ago . They have had little contact with nan and , infact only one call in over 6 weeks . They have managed to interfere with at times tho as they seem concerned on the financial impact nan and going into a home may have on their inheritence ! At this time Nan and want to stay at home with care although when has to go back into hospital i'm not convinced 4 day visits from a carer will be enough for nan . I have had a key safe fitted for them and a panick button , but i'm not sure nan would use the button , it depends what day it is !!! . i know there is a big mountain to climb and i just hope i can get the best for them both .

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Hi Pink

Ah, money does complicate things. I am glad to say I have absolutely no-one to help me with my mum, that means no-one to share any decisions with which is hard, but also no-one wanting a claim on her money or interfering with my choices, and it is all going to be spent on her care, and if I never inherit a penny, so be it, cos my dad would have wanted her cared for - and I will see to it that she is. Phew! Sometimes it is good to be in sole control. It is hard work, but at least it is in your hands.

Keep posting, lots of people on here will help you out.