New and not coping

[wendyweeble67]

Hiya,I did post a few weeks back and things are not much better. I am back in contact with my mum after falling out 6 years ago her choice to walk away . I recently found out my brother who had a heart attack last year has been visiting her monthly to check on her and sort things out if needed. She had a scan confirming FTD and doesn't think she is ill. My brother is unable to fly now from Glasgow to visit her as often so I took over the care. However his version of how she is is very different to mine. Mum can follow me around all day doing what I am doing but ask her to make a discussion about what to eat/ drink / do she can't answer. The words have just gone .she can make a cuppa but constantly gets juice out instead of milk and tries to put it in a glass not a cup. Her wAshing goes walkabouts and in a week I found no dirty underwear to wash and dirty clothes mixed up with clean. She can't grasp the laundry basket and when I ask if she understands gets very defensive . She is very clever at avoiding answering an will prompt me to do it for her . She no longer understands what food is for what meal and will eat what I put in front of her no questions . We moved her to be closer to me so I can look after her but she wants to live with me. I have 2 boys aged 7 and 6 and two older girls . My husband had strokes and is disabled and my 7 year old is autistic. She has been bad mouthing me blamin me for bringing her to Bournemouth , she hates her flat and doesn't want it . She follows me constantly and gets annoyed if I have to pop anywhere without her. I am at breaking point. Am waiting on things getting going here after an initial blood test and referral despite consultant from Southampton sending her notes. I really do t think I can do this for much longer but am hoping once kids go back to school it will be better sorry for long post xx

 

[janma221]

It's very difficult to deal with all the different things this disease brings with it. Are you in touch with your local Alzheimer's Society or do you have a care worker that you can talk to? If you have a disabled husband and autistic child then you need a lot of support. I fell out with my mother for 3 years before she was diagnosed with AD the first thing I knew about it was when the police rang me at 1.30 am to say she was wandering around town completely disorientated. So feeling guilty and duty bound started to visit her again although I live about 2 hours away so not involved all the time as you are. I hope you get more advice here on TP as a lot of people will understand your situation.
Take care
Jan xxxx

 

[chridgets]

Wow! It is not a surprise that you are not coping. I only have a partner to care for and I sometimes can't cope. Clearly you need some help. Since I am in Canada, I have no idea what supports are available to you in your area. I'm sure that others here might have some suggestions. One lesson I learned many years ago is that it is important to put oneself first. Ask, "what do I need?" I know it sounds selfish, in my generation we were always taught to put others first. However, I now understand that without taking care of what I need it doesn't take long before I'm no good to anybody else.
You clearly need help! I hope someone on TP can come up with some suggestions, ideas.

Oh yes, I forgot to say, that I know how easy it is to say and not easy to do. I looked after my Mom in her last years and struggled with making time for myself! This time I am working at it more consciously!

Hiya,I did post a few weeks back and things are not much better. I am back in contact with my mum after falling out 6 years ago her choice to walk away . I recently found out my brother who had a heart attack last year has been visiting her monthly to check on her and sort things out if needed. She had a scan confirming FTD and doesn't think she is ill. My brother is unable to fly now from Glasgow to visit her as often so I took over the care. However his version of how she is is very different to mine. Mum can follow me around all day doing what I am doing but ask her to make a discussion about what to eat/ drink / do she can't answer. The words have just gone .she can make a cuppa but constantly gets juice out instead of milk and tries to put it in a glass not a cup. Her wAshing goes walkabouts and in a week I found no dirty underwear to wash and dirty clothes mixed up with clean. She can't grasp the laundry basket and when I ask if she understands gets very defensive . She is very clever at avoiding answering an will prompt me to do it for her . She no longer understands what food is for what meal and will eat what I put in front of her no questions . We moved her to be closer to me so I can look after her but she wants to live with me. I have 2 boys aged 7 and 6 and two older girls . My husband had strokes and is disabled and my 7 year old is autistic. She has been bad mouthing me blamin me for bringing her to Bournemouth , she hates her flat and doesn't want it . She follows me constantly and gets annoyed if I have to pop anywhere without her. I am at breaking point. Am waiting on things getting going here after an initial blood test and referral despite consultant from Southampton sending her notes. I really do t think I can do this for much longer but am hoping once kids go back to school it will be better sorry for long post xx

 

[garnuft]

Hello wendyweebles,
Some things WILL be better after the school holidays.

What a lot you have on your plate right now.

Your Mum....mine is the same, very insecure, very clingy, very needy but very independant and very determined.
It's a complicated mix isn't it?

Does your Mum have any care? Carers coming in? Day care?

If not, you should speak to Social Services to get that started, at least if she goes to day care she has a change of scenery and you have a break knowing she is well looked after.
Have you had a carers assessment?

I'm not sure why I ask the question as I have a disabled son of 25 as well as Mam to look after and to me it was useless but some have found it to be helpful.

Most of all you must make space for yourself.
I have yet to take my own advice so feel free to add a pinch of salt.
Just I feel for you, in your struggle with people who need you.

And I wanted you to know you weren't alone.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi Wendyweeble and welcome from me too to Talking Point. I'm sorry that I missed your earlier posts. I too wanted you to know that you are not alone. Even though I'm not my mam's carer, I still struggle to cope with all the worry about both my parents. It can be very difficult. Do keep posting because it will probably help a lot.

x

 

[Love&Light]

Hi, I think you are UNBELIEVABLE taking on even more care, having an autistic son, a husband with a disability and three other children is already a very demanding and complex mix (without school holidays added).

You are obviously a very strong and determined person with a great capacity to care.

You will get through this, but make sure that you get some help, you are at the centre of all these people's lives and you need time to recharge your battery.

Have you had a carers assessment?

Sometimes everything is so busy that we do not take time to chase up these things, social care and health have a responsibility to assist you in your caring ROLES.

Keep strong x

 

[wendyweeble67]

Many many thanks to u all xx will ask for a carers assessment definitely xxx feeling more positive now

 

[jstmcm]

Definitely ask for a carers assessment ASAP, and you must get carers to at least help with the care of your Mum. Do not allow anyone to pressurise you into having her to live with you, that would probably be very detrimental for your autistic son, as well as you.

I have a mother with AD who we are in the process of trying to move into a care home, and mother-in-law who is physically frail who recently moved into care, and as it is I spend a lot of time caring for one or the other. I have an adult son with autism too who lives with us, and I am sick to death of people asking me why I have not taken my mother, or mother-in-law, to live with us. I know that my son would not be able to cope with that, and nor could I or my husband for that matter - it would simply be a case of which order the three of us had our breakdowns. I also know that if I cracked then the whole edifice would come crashing down. That doesn't help the guilt I feel for not having Mum to live with me, but I try to counter it with the knowledge that I have to put my son first.

I do hope you are able to get the help you need very soon.

J

 

[Chook]

Hi there

I don't really have anything to add but I just wanted to say welcome and I hope all the lovely people on here can help you.

It sounds like you already having your hands full without having to look after your mum when she's pushing you away.

Good luck.

Chook
x