New and not coping


Registered User
May 12, 2008
Hi, Just joined. Mum has alzheimers. I live in London and she is in Scotland with my Dad. She has had a few bad turns recently and I am trying to be strong for my Dad but I am not coping very well myself. Any advice? Thanks


Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
N E England
Welcome to t/p. Oh dear, how worrying for you being so far away. Just make sure they they get all the help & benefits they are entitled too, especially for your Dad who may need respite care for your Mum to help him cope. Plenty of things can be done over the phone so keep pushing doctors, social services until you are happy with what your parents are getting. Be there on the other end of the phone & listen to your Dad & make sure he is managing okay. Don't let him brush you off telling all is fine if you don't think it is. Visit as often as you can to help out & so that your Mum remembers who you are.


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Kez,
Welcome to Talking Point.
Do you have any support what so ever ?
If you contact your local Alzheimer's Branch they will give you a great deal of help and support.
It is not easy I know for someone who is not onthe doorstep so to speak to organise and do what you want for your loved one.
More people will come on line later.
You will find a great deal of support here on Talking Point, we are all travelling this path together.
Best wishes


Registered User
Mar 27, 2008
HI kez

She has had a few bad turns recently and I am trying to be strong for my Dad but I am not coping very well
It does sound like the situation is changing in Scotland with your mum having these turns. Do you know what the turns are, whether they are something temporary (albeit scary), or something more permanent? Things like this can be very frightening and upsetting and good, sensible information can make all the difference. Does your dad have anyone to speak to about his worries and fears apart from you? If not perhaps you could suggest to him that he get in touch with his local Alzheimers Society - the woman who came to me was absolutely brilliant. Also does your dad use a computer - he could find this site helpful if he could access it.

I do hope you find it helpful Kez - I certainly have (and do).

Love Helen


Registered User
May 12, 2008
Thanks all for kind words. I do speak to my Mum's nurse about my Mum's condition. All my friend's/boyfriend are very supportive but its nice to chat to someone going through something similar and to share experiences. Have taken a few days off work just to get head straight.

Helen - the turn's were where her eyes rolled to the back of head and then started flickering. The nurse said it was not enough blood getting to the brain. It was very worrying for my Dad. It has to be monitored in case it is something worse. My Dad does speak to the nurse but he is a very private person. I just try and do my best and be there for him.

I try and go up as often as can. Its really hard being so far away. I did move home for a year and half when she was first diagonosed but I did miss London. Both Mum and Dad want me to live my own life but I do want to do as much as I can.



Registered User
May 5, 2008

Could anyone give me advice on how to broach the subject of EPA with my mum. Since her pension started being paid directly into her bank account, she thinks she has no money. When I tell her she can get money from the bank she tells me it's none of my business and do I think she's loaded! As she's like this now (she's in the middle stages of vascular dementia) I'm finding it really hard to say anything about dealing with anything to do with money. She tends to get very annoyed with me regarding her bank account although I have to take her to the cash machine to get money for her!
Also having real problems with her wanting to phone her mum who died in 1962 and wanting to send a postcard to her (the street where she lived was pulled down over 30 years ago). What's the best way to deal with this. My husband and I have tried changing the subject or ignoring her comments, but she just continues in the same way the whole time. I admit to getting very annoyed with her about this and have tried telling her that her parents are no longer around I've also tried telling her that they know she is living with me now and are happy for her but nothing seems to help.


Registered User
Mar 23, 2008
coast of texas
to joandelta

I know it is frustrating when our loved ones start to go. Memories are always hard and unfortunately AD works takes their short term memories and leaves them with their long term. As I say "she has dropped a few years of her memories". Please don't get frustrated. My suggestion would be to let her write the letter, then YOU mail it for her and oh well if she mails a letter to an unknown address. It sounds as if she lives with you and when it is returned just intercept it. We allow our kids to write to Santa. Theres no harm in humoring her and I promise the loss of shear frustration at letting go on this subject will make it much easier.

Good luck and many Hugs


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006

Hello Joan. :)

I wish I could help you regarding the EPA. I solved this problem with my husband by getting mutual EPAs, as his attitude to money is jut like your mother`s. But of course this is only possible between husbands and wives.

My husband also worries about his pension being paid into the bank. As he is now unable to understand a bank statement he thinks the bank is keeping his money. I do ease his mind when I explain, but he forgets what I have said very quickly and we go over it all again and again.

I suppose you may have to wait until she is less able to go with you to the cash machine. Not much help I know.:(

As for the letters to her parents. I agree with citybythesea. Let her write a letter. She might even want to `put it off till tomorrow`, which is what my husband says once I agree to something that might be too difficult for him. And if she really wants to try to phone her parents and cannot accept they have died, try to dial your own home number and tell her there is no-one in or the number is out of order. Anything to ease the moment.

I know this all sounds underhand but anything is worth trying for the sake of peace.

Take care xx


Registered User
Jan 10, 2008
Could anyone give me advice on how to broach the subject of EPA...
Hi Joan,
I had the same sort of thing with my Mum - she was reluctant to admit that she could not cope with her own money and so on. I was able to talk to her GP, who then talked to her, made sure that she understood that she had a serious problem developing, and suggested that she was going to need help. He asked her if she trusted me - and of course she told him 'yes' - and then advised her to give me POA so I could help her when she needed it. Mum has always tended to have a high regard for doctors & other professional people so she did as she was told!
I don't know if this approach is worth a try in your situation - but if you can persuade her it will make your job much easier. And don't forget: it is not going to get any easier for her or for you. Once you have the POA you only need to do for her what she can't do for herself, you don't have to do it all straight away.

Good luck with this: I hope you get it sorted and that your mum will accept your help willingly. In any case, you can only do what is possible so please don't feel bad about not doing everything and miracles too! It is very easy to expect too much of ourselves in this type of situation when in fact every little thing we do manage to do is much better than nothing. Stay positive - you can cope!


Registered User
May 12, 2008
Thanks Helen

I am going home today until Sunday. My GP has been very supportive and signed me off work. Was getting quite stressed at work trying to do my job and cope with Mum. Hopefully the time at home will put my mind at ease and have a good chat with my Dad. Also spend some quality time with my Mum.

Speak soon