New and in need of help

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Hi I don't know where to start so here goes I will try.
I have watched my stepmum loss her memory for the last 2+ years, my dad has cared for her but will falling heath he has fianaly said he needs help, he went to the doc's that said they couldn't help him!!! I was so mad I got in touch with socail and now we have a very good sw and I have become her carer for 21 hours a week.
The biggest problem I have is that she will not leave my dads side but he is in desprate need for respite, she wets and messes the bad every night and doesn't know whats happening part of the time she will start to do something then forget whats she is doing so my dad has to finish it. She likes to go shopping every day as its what she has done for years but my dads legs are poor and he struggles so it has been sugested that I take her as she is not safe on her own but she will not let me we have to be careful or she storms off on her own, so my dad back's down and goes :mad: I have tried to tell him not to.
Last friday it was awful I spent my time trying to carm her down as she was mad that I was there again and was taking it out on my dad who was not well, she uses anger all the time to be in control. I don't know what too do I have cried all weekend. would it be a good Idea for me to raise my voice to get control of her, I am desprate for help, sorry for the long thread please any advise welcome
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,130
Kent
Hello Heartbroken, you do sound in need of help.

You say you have a very good SW. Well s/he is the one to help you.

It does sound as if your stepmother`s care is too much for your father to manage, so try to see the SW , by yourself if possible at first. Find out what help is available and take it from there.

Please post back with an update.

Take care xx
 

clarethebear

Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
197
manchester, uk
Hi Heartbroken

Welcome to TP.

I'm really sorry you are having such a bad time of things at the moment. Unfortunately my family situation was totally different to the one you have, so therefore I can't really offer you any help. But wanted to welcome you and I'm sure people will be along soon with lots of help for you.

Please keep posting and we will all try and help you the best we can.

Take Care
Clare
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
thanks I have thought about phoning the sw in the morning before I go to dads the biggest problem is that she is in denial of it all and says nothing is wrong. we are hitting our heads againest a brick wall all the time. the sw has asked me to take her to a group on a fri but so far I can't get her to go anywhere, both dad and Edna aren't very good at mixing so they are stuck in there ways.
I will phone the sw first thing and let him know about fri thanks so much for your help
 

Linda Mc

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
1,881
Nr Mold
There are other agencies that may be able to help like Admiral Nurses (if you have them in your area) and Crossroads.

Please let us know how you go on.

Linda x
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Heartbroken

I can understand why you chose your name!

What a dreadful situation. Your mum is totally fixated on your dad, your dad is not strong enough to cope, and your mum is taking it out on you. Nightmare!

You really do have to talk to your SW. Ring first thing in the morning, and ask for an emergency review. Say you just can't cope any more.

The SW will be used to patients who deny anything is wrong, and will be able to see through it, especially if you warn her in advance. You could write down all the problems, and give it to the SW, so that your mum can't just deny everything you say.

Insist that you must have more help, or you won't be able to carry on. That you and your dad are becoming ill.

Don't try to be brave, just tell her how it is.

And please post back and tell us how you get on.

Love,
 

BeverleyY

Registered User
Jan 29, 2008
716
Ashford, Kent
Dear Heartbroken

Welcome.

It does sound as though your stepmum is more than your Dad can cope with, and you need to do what is best for both of them.

Unfortunately, denial is a difficult part of this illness. My Dad thinks his memory is a bit dodgy, but has no understanding that he is actually ill. It's therefore impossible to reason with someone that doesn't know anything is wrong.

My Dad hates the Day Centre - he says it's horrible, but he cannot understand that I want him looked after in the days. (To be honest, he's probably fine, but I worry too much). I'm also seeing this week about carers popping in when I go back to work tomorrow - I can't tell Dad they are carers, he will know them as the ironing lady!

If I were you, I'd have a very frank conversation with your Dad without your stepmum, and find out exactly what help he wants/needs. He may be more honest if she isn't involved in the conversation.

Keep on at the social worker, and grab all the help you can.

Take care.

Beverley x
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Thanks so much for all your surport I am feeling better tonight but dreading tomorrow.
I have tried to talk to dad but Edna is always there she won't let dad talk to anyone, if I phone she is there in the back ground saying "are you talking about me" I have been there when the phone rings she runs to it, if dad gets there first she hangs around listening, he doesn't have a min to himself I just don't know how he copes after 4hours I am pulling my hair out.
I have spoken to my brother tonight and he is in full support of anything I do and he's said to phone the sw, so 9am tomorrow I will, I have wrote down what I want to say so I don't forget anything, we do have a meeting with him on tuesday but everyone will be there so I want to have my say without anyone else being around.
thank's again for the surport coming here is the 2nd best thing I've done the first is geting social involved, I will keep you posted.
 

BeverleyY

Registered User
Jan 29, 2008
716
Ashford, Kent
Thanks so much for all your surport I am feeling better tonight but dreading tomorrow.
I have tried to talk to dad but Edna is always there she won't let dad talk to anyone, if I phone she is there in the back ground saying "are you talking about me" I have been there when the phone rings she runs to it, if dad gets there first she hangs around listening, he doesn't have a min to himself I just don't know how he copes after 4hours I am pulling my hair out.
I have spoken to my brother tonight and he is in full support of anything I do and he's said to phone the sw, so 9am tomorrow I will, I have wrote down what I want to say so I don't forget anything, we do have a meeting with him on tuesday but everyone will be there so I want to have my say without anyone else being around.
thank's again for the surport coming here is the 2nd best thing I've done the first is geting social involved, I will keep you posted.
Good luck tomorrow, and Tuesday - and just a suggestion, why not write all your worries and questions in a letter for your Dad.

He must get 5 mins (in the loo) without Edna.

Try do it for him. He might just be crying out for help really but unable to convey that because of her being around.

He could always write down his feelings if he doesn't want to voice them, and the SW could read them as well.

Anyway, as I say, good luck.

Beverley x
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Great Idea I will do now then give it to him tomorrow, thanks
I do know he is at the end of his tether as he's said he carnt coop any more and doesn't know what's going to happen. my brother is goig around when he can he can get him on his own for a few mins he is going to try and tell him to let go and let me do what I want so he can get some respite, I think he has cared for her so long on his own he is finding it hard to let go and relax.
of now to write him a letter thanks
 

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
565
Merseyside
Hi Heartbroken and welcome to TP. I hope you continue to find everyone here as helpful as I have.

Your situation with your parents sounds very similar to the situation with mine.

Mum has dementia but is in complete denial - she thinks there is nothing wrong with her at all. She also insists on shopping every day but thankfully at this time, dad is in good health and can take her.

She is also attached to dad and hates to be without him - if he goes into another room she follows him - having a conversation with him is a feat of genius usually involving him hiding somewhere with his mobile phone while she's eating lunch or something.

My mum is also very aggressive and stubborn. However, dad had found that the only way to get her to come out with myself or another family member is to put her coat on her, shout at her as if she was a small toddler and if all else fails threaten her that he'll call an ambulance if she doesn't behave herself.

Not ideal by any stretch of the imagination but reasoning with her is just pointless as all she's concerned about is whatever she wants at that moment. I suspect your step mum may be the same.

You don't mention what medication your step mum is taking. We had mum put on anti-depressants which worked for a very short amount of time and now she takes anti-psychotic medication. I know lots of people don't like that sort of medication but with someone like mum there was just nothing else for it.

It doesn't stop the problem completely but it does help dad to calm her dowm when she is being particularly difficult - it also slows her down which gives dad a bit of breathing space.

I think as the others have said a chat with SS is needed (hope that's going well for you today) and perhaps one with her consultant? Mum's consultant is happy to see us alone as she appreciates how hard it is to talk openly in front of someone in denial.

I hope all goes well for you and I think your dad is very lucky to have such a devoted daughter. Remember to look after yourself as well because caring is such a stressful job.
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Thanks Kate p it does sound so much the same, my step mum isn't on any medication yet, we are still waiting to see a speacilist. my dad has struggled with her for 2yrs not letting any one know how bad it was until christmas, when he cracked and nearly hit her, so then he let us know how bad it had got.

I had a word with the SW this morning and he has told me that she is using anger to close a subject down and keep in control of my dad, so when she isn't being co-opative then I should raise my voice and firmly tell her she has to do as we say to get control over her. today she was in a great mood and came shopping very happly so my dad had 3hours respite which he fully enjoyed, I just hope she is in the same mood tomorrow:)
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
update

Tuesday Edna went mad at the sw he made light of it and us laughing if we didn't I think we would have cried.
sw asked if they had had the visit from the nurse she should have come 2 weeks ago still not been so he is chasing her up, also had we heard fron the hospital to get her assessed, yet again no but the biggest problem is now she runs to the letterbox for the mail and opens everything including my dads mail so we don't know if a letter has come she hides things if she doesn't understand what is, dad is going to make a box to put on the letter box so she can't get at the letters, but next week I will be able to be there earler so I will be there before the postman and I will watch her.
I feel as I'm not doing much but my dad has said he likes me there just to sit and talk to her and he can have a adult chat which makes him feel lots better.
tuseday I got here to go shopping and she was lovely while we was out asking me where we was going and had she got any money as she wanted her papers bless her but as soon as we was back home she turned angry and tense again. wed I could not get her to go but we sat watching telly while dad did what he wanted as I left they was going for a ride in the car, he wanted to get out as she is not as bad shouting at him while they are out.

I will see what happens tomorrow
 

Scoop

Registered User
Nov 20, 2006
99
I remember the trouble of getting my dad to a GP to even start referral. I have managed to get a very quick turn round from the Mental health people, consultant and Nurse if I chase hard enough, normally they have come out the same day to change or prescribe medication.

After a long day yesterday we managed to get Dad admitted after a torrid time to be assessed, comes with it's bad side - I wasn't expecting the feelings I have today but it's for the best in the long term and the only way we'll be able to continue caring for dad at home.

Good luck, and keep chasing, if she has got hold of letters etc then bypass that, call the GP yourself and the specialist, make them aware you are a carer, I have so far found them incredibly helpful and understanding.

Good luck

Scott
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
I had a word with the SW this morning and he has told me that she is using anger to close a subject down and keep in control of my dad,
I am sorry , but I think that SW does not know what she talking about . You could call up a admiral nurse like someone said above and ask why your step mother showing so much anger towards you and SW.

It must be because she sacred and confuse can't express herself in the way she use to, she must be feeing you as a threat in her confused mind , even thought your only trying to help . she can't help what she doing she got dementia .


she picking up your concerns worry for your father. getting confused you can't give anger back to someone that giving it to you
when they got dementca . she can't control her mind now her emostion and her feelings. but you can. I don't feel you have to shout like Katie father does, just be firm assertive, but I
respect we all deal with thing different . if you find your losing your temper Just walk out, or go into another room .

if a letter has come she hides things if she doesn't understand what is, dad is going to make a box to put on the letter box so she can't get at the letters, but next week I will be able to be there earler so I will be there before the postman and I will watch her.
Good idea what your father doing

Just be care full don't challenge her , if she gets to the letter before you .


it could end up in a fight and for what !
 
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heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
I have thought about going to the gp to explain we don't get the letters and do they no if we have got a appointment yet.
I funny thing happened today, I had a letter to post and showed it to her saying I had forgot to post it on the way to her house, she replied that she had a letter come that morning in a brown envelope was it the same because she didn't know what it was, thinking quick I said I would have a look at it for her so after looking in the fridge, cupboard, and drawers she found it and gave it to me then forgot she had, it was about her pension being paid into the bank so tomorrow I will get her to sign it If she thinks its for me she will but dad has no chance then at least she will be getting her pension instead of the govement so its one step forward
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Heartbroken

It's worrying if your mum is hiding letters, it's a good idea to have a box that your mum can't get into.

I'd definitely ring the GP and explain the situation, he should have been notified if there is an appointment.

I hope the SW is chasing up the CPN, you really need to get your mum assessed as soon as possible.

Love,
 

heartbroken

Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
747
derbyshire
Sw said tuesday he would chase them up for us, as things need assesing asap.
I do think that she is paronoid that my father is taking about her when she is not around and that he has another women so she doesn't like it that I am taking her away from him. so far I have just let her have her way and managed to talk her around, I don't like shouting at her as its not her fault and I love her to much. for the last 3 days she wouldn't go shopping but sat talking to me the same thing over and over again but it was carm until she fed the cat biscuits and gave him pop to drink and got mad that he wouldn't drink it. we see a decline each day sometimes now she sasks me for help so she must be starting to accept me being there.
 

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