New and confused

[jkems]

Hi,
My mil is currently going through process of diagnosis. She has seen the memory lady who spent 3 hours with her (she scored 65 out of 100 if that means anything to anyone) and her gp. My fil has terminal cancer and has been in hospital for 4 weeks. My hubby and I have taken turns in caring for his mum including sleeping at her home with her. My relationship with her has always been up and down - she is a very hard and quite cold woman and I find her quite intimidating. Up until recently she has been so lovely to me and has been a pleasure to look after, however, in the last few weeks she has vented her aggression towards me in a really rude way. She gets very aggressive and nasty and it absolutely cuts me to the core. I don't know what to do. She has always ruled her house with a rod and none of her sons stand up to her. I feel selfish in saying to my husband that I don't want to be around her but it just upsets me so much that I don't know what to do. I feel it is personal to me as she is very pleasant to other people.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

[Tin]

No advice except to learn to turn away, I am my mother's carer she has lived with me for a year now and sometimes she can be very nasty to me, but absolutely loving towards my friends and strangers!!!!!

 

[Spamar]

It always appears that the main carer gets the worst of it, or even all of it! OH is just the same with me. It's not nice, it'd not easy, all you can do is walk away. Not very easy, I know. You can try distraction, but it doesn't always work ( didn't for me today, I was so glad when he went to bed.

 

[Witzend]

Is she living with you? If not, and she is rude or nasty, then I would suggest telling her firmly that if she can't be pleasant, then you will leave. And do so if she continues.

I have heard of this strategy working quite well. As many on here will know, people with dementia often are able to control their behaviour (nice as pie to some but the opposite to others) but like children, they will go on doing it if they think they can get away with it.

When my mother was once being very nasty and saying horrible and very upsetting things about other members of the family, I told her I wasn't going to listen to it and if she didn't stop, I would go home at once. (I lived 60 miles away). And I meant it, and she must have known I did, since she did stop, which made me wonder why on earth I hadn't tried it before. I suppose I had been telling myself that she couldn't help it, but she could.