1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. 99purdy

    99purdy Registered User

    Oct 31, 2014
    129
    Hi everybody, posted a short while ago about Step Dad in NH receiving a visit from long lost nephew. Claiming I was not a proper relative etc.. Fast forward one week and guess what? He has visited again. Careful to go when my Sister and I are not there. Anyway nursing home told me that he is claiming Uncle never has visitors etc and he is just doing his bit. The Matron put him straight and told him we all visit regularly. Step forward Dad, apparently he told Matron, in front of nephew, that he never liked him, he was a useless waster and only after his money. I was shocked as I thought he would not remember him from over 30 years ago. I do know that he didn't really like this nephew, but as he was not part of our lives it made no difference. The NH said Dad was really agitated and in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I am trying to think positive about this man and hope he is visiting out of concern. However, if his visits upset Dad should I ask NH to refuse his visits. I don't think NH would have any problem with this. They are very switched on and contacted me immediately after his visits. Any thoughts please?
     
  2. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Hi. I would talk to the Matron and Manager to see what they say.
    As Your Step Dad was agitated after the visit and clearly remembered something unpleasant about this Nephew I would seriously consider banning him .

    Sadly I am thinking perhaps his visits are not so innocent.

    Of course it may well be that he has changed for the better over the years , but Step Dad was distressed afterwards and to me it's that that's important as well as what he told the Matron.
     
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    If your dad never liked him anyway, and he wasn't part of his life, AND the visit upset and agitated him, then personally I would have no hesitation in telling the CH he is not to be admitted.
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,429
    My feeling is that often, what happened in the past is MUCH clearer to a person with dementia than what happened yesterday, so it doesn't surprised me at all that he remembers he doesn't like or trust the nephew. Of course the sad part about that is that they might have spent the last 30 years rebuilding that trust, but it doesn't sound as if that is the case. Anyway I'd maybe give one more visit a try, but after that, cut off access. But really, if it upsets your father, you don't have to. Actually I've talked myself round :))) - why let him upset your father at all? Just tell the home that you don't want this.
     
  5. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Sorry - but I think it's naive to harbour any expectation this man has reformed or has any real compassion and interest in your step-father. If so, why does he visit when you are not there? Why has he not contacted you and expressed his regrets and hopes going forward to you first and foremost? Why, especially, has he claimed you are not 'a proper relative'? These are not the actions of a considerate person.
    If he upsets your dad and the CH witnessed all this, put a stop to the visits with a clear conscience. Dementia is too full of negatives to add another one to the pile.
     
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,755
    Female
    Scotland
    Hurrah!

    Three cheers for stepdad and let's hope this waster is history. My biggest concern throughout the AD journey is a distant relative of my husbands who is just like that. He is the grandson of my husbands late brother so a great nephew I think is his family position.

    Over the years he had thousands out of him. I got some of it back but then it started up again - first hundreds and then when I tightened up John's access to money it was the contents of his wallet ie £20,£10,£5. These people are shameless.

    Last month I got a call late at night - he is blocked on my phone so must have used someone else's - the opening words were "is John still alive?" No doubt he is wondering if there is any way of getting money. I hung up and blocked the new number.

    Get rid of this guy any way you can. He is poison.
     
  7. 99purdy

    99purdy Registered User

    Oct 31, 2014
    129
    Hi everyone, thank you so much for your supportive replies. I am quite a live and let live sort of person, but this nephew has annoyed me to be honest. I have been with Dad all the way without one offer of help so be referred to as not a 'real' relative has left rather a sour taste. But, I can get over that, the only person that matters is Dad and if he is not happy then his visits will become a no go. He has never contacted me or my Sister and in fact seems to visit on the one day he knows we can not go. Have spoken to the NH manager and he thinks the same as me, if he upsets Dad, then he will not be allowed to visit. I have noticed though how Dad remembers things more clearly from the past, he still thinks Mum is alive, she is not, and moans that she has forgotten to tax the car!! Will keep you all informed and thank goodness for this forum where you are able to moan, groan and laugh with people who know exactly how you feel. X
     

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