Neighbourly relations

[PollyDarton]

Seeking advice. My dad is a active and healthy late sixties retiree, diagnosed nearly two years ago. He has always been a strong character but in recent years has had constant often serious unpleasant incidents with neighbours. At first it was just one in particular and that involved the police, court, allegations of assault on both sides etc. This seems to have simmered down but new issues with others are now starting to crop up.

My mum still works so my dad is alone a lot - and god knows what he gets up to. They are in the process of selling up and moving (not far and more centrally to the town). Part of me is hoping for a fresh start, nice friendly neighbours etc, but part of me is terrified that these issue will just follow my dad and the whole awful accusations and name calling will just start somewhere else.

Has anyone got any tips, thoughts, ideas or success stories? Thank you in advance.

 

[Sue741215]

Hi Polly - I can only speak in general terms as my husband is good natured but I have found that nearly everyone responds well when told about someone who has dementia. (nearly everyone says they understand as they have a family member who lives with dementia)If I were you and your mum is ok about it I would suggest one of you go round and visit your new neighbours (once your dad and mum have moved in) and explain that dad has dementia. I wouldn't say anything about trouble with neighbours but just that you wanted to let you know in case he seems a bit strange though he is harmless. I would give them a contact number - perhaps yours in case they see anything they would like you to know.

Of course it is possible this could backfire and they never speak again but if that's the case they are perhaps best kept away from. You could wait until you or your mum has spoken to them more generally and assessed if they are likely to be supportive.

I used to feel that I should not tell people about my husband as he does not really acknowledge he has a problem and I felt it was his right to tell. As he has got a bit quirkier in his behaviour I now tell people as soon as I can (away from his hearing) and have always had good responses. It is particularly heartening to get these responses from young people who often mention a grandad or other relative - in fact I have had some really good conversations.

It depends on your dad's behaviour as to whether trouble will be averted but I feel myself that you will have more chance if your neighbours understand that he has an illness rather than being troublesome.

Others may totally disagree with this approach so I will be interested to hear other replies that I'm sure will come through soon.

I hope that the move goes well and they find some supportive neighbours.

 

[Bakerst]

Our neighbours have realised over the last couple of months, some earlier, we have spoken about OH's condition and everyone is really nice, sympathetic and helpful.
They were even nice a couple of weeks ago when OH brought everyone's bins in before they had been emptied! ..and put them back in the wrong houses.
One neighbour brought him home last week when he had wandered off and got lost.
It really does help

 

[Violet Jane]

Until your parents move it is not possible to know whether arguments with the neighbours have become part of your father's dementia. It's not uncommon. Did your father have a history of conflict with people before he started showing symptoms of dementia? I agree that it's probably best to alert the new neighbours to your father's dementia in the hope of avoiding misunderstandings and conflict.

It may be time to put some care in place so that your father has less time to go round and bother the neighbours. Have you investigated day care or befriending services? If your father is very fit then perhaps he needs to get more exercise. A befriender or carer could take him out.

It's possible that medication could help with this problem.

 

[Shedrech]

Hello @PollyDarton
A warm welcome to DTP

Maybe your dad needs company or activity during the day, as suggested ... there may be something helpful here:

Find support near you

Use our dementia directory to find local support services for people with dementia and their carers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Home | Men's Sheds Association | UKMSA

We support Men's Sheds Association in the UK. Men's Sheds are community workshops where men can create converse and connect.

menssheds.org.uk

Befriending services | Combating loneliness | Age UK

Age UK explains how our befriending service works, and meet some of the older people who have benefited from befriending.

www.ageuk.org.uk

Dementia Support – get personal advice and practical support

Find out more about Dementia Support Workers from Alzheimer's Society.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[update2020]

When we moved I told our new neighbours and found and employed companions for my husband while I was at work. It wouldn’t have been safe, in any case, to leave him on his own. I introduced them as ‘friends’. One was one of our new neighbours.