Needing to be in two places .....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Tender Face, Jul 12, 2007.

  1. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Well the military operation to get mum's party underway for Sunday has fallen at the first hurdle ... tonight was ironing and cleaning for my family before the onslaught of the weekend .......

    Arrive home a little while ago from work to a phone call from mum ..... "I need to go to the shop". "What do you need? I'll get it." "I don't need anything." :confused:

    Note the high anxiety in her voice ...... as she stutters ..."But I can't go to the shop because I've lost my purse." (Sigh, looks like I can tell my son we're starting the party games early .......:rolleyes: ) "And the shopping". "What shopping?'" "The shopping I got when I went to the corner shop only I had forgotten my purse ... I came back for it and paid for my shopping .... but now I've lost the shopping and my purse has gone" .......

    Sure there are many will be familiar with this type of conversation ....... so why am I here now rambling on TP? Because son - who is yet to discover we are off to play 'Hunt the purse' - is out locally with no house key and no phone (GGGGGrrrrr - what point buying kids mobiles when they never have them with them when you want them? :mad: ) ... so I have to wait until he or his dad arrives home so I can get down to mum's and try to sort her out ..... I'm 'on pins' not wanting to start anything in case I suddenly get the green flag to go dashing off .....

    I am trying very hard to stay up-beat about this and keep my humour ..... :cool: but I have to say the situation makes me appreciate the anxiety long-distance carers must go through over the trivial and not-so-trivial ...

    Thanks for letting me rant ....

    Karen, x

    (PS: Perhaps I should start a thread in the Tea-Room - Cluedo style .... prize for anyone who guesses where the purse is by the time I get back later!!!!!! And bonus prize if anyone can discover - because she can't remember - what she bought at the shop that she has managed to lose as well!!!!!! :eek: )
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Karen, well done for keeping your sense of humour! I'm sure this is the last thing you need.

    My guess? the purse is inside the shopping bag, which could be anywhere, but is probably in the downstairs loo ............ or the bedroom ............ or behind the couch ............. or ................

    Let us know!

    PS Forgot the shopping. Chocolate, cake, biscuits, chocolate ...........
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Panic over!

    The purse was in the veg rack!!!!!

    Now, trying to enter her mind, think mum has been very shrewd ... leave things long enough in there they 'sprut' and you can sow them, grow them and harvest them .... :) So why not a purse in a vegetable plot???? Perhaps she's found the answer to growing the money tree??!!!!! :D

    As for the shopping - not convinced there ever was any ..... (checked with the corner shop who's staff know her well) ...... bit like the imaginary meals she cooks for herself when I ring through the day to 'check in' ????? - no evidence of any such endeavours either before or after??????

    So while this started out half-light-hearted .... is there something delusionary/hallucinatory/make-believe going on I should be concerned about?

    :confused: Karen, x
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Karen
    is there something going on.... well, probably yes.

    should you be concerned about it..... not more than about anything else, I would think.

    make-believe... I reckon not. That takes imagination and a realisation that it really isn't true, but let's pretend anyway. It is all too true for the person, even if it isn't for us.

    hallucinatory..... medication perhaps?

    delusionary... most likely, in a context of trying to make sense of a world gone mad.

    The following interpretations may be madly off target - if so, my apologies for a needless ramble!

    maybe re-phrase as "I need to go to the shop". "What do you need? I'll get it." "I don't need anything, I just want to know that I can do it still."
    ..."But I can't go to the shop because I'm getting nervous about doing it... oh goodness I've lost my purse, so I can't go. ['hooray' under breath]"

    I'm scared and I want someone with me.

    Very unsettling for both of you, of course.

    I hope the 'do' goes well :)
  5. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Karen

    Sorry to trivialise the thread but three weeks ago a joint of cooked ham went missing. I have serched everywhere for it and since there are no (unusual) unpleasant smells I am totally bewildered.

    Who would have thought that AZ is a giant hunt the thimble!


  6. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    That's the bit breaks my heart most .... even if I could afford (financially) to give up my job (which I can't) ... if I chose to put my mum's needs before my own family (which I'm sorry, I won't entirely) .... if ...if ...if ....

    It would still never be enough to remedy a once feisty, intelligent and independent lady losing her confidence and independence, let alone her memory .....

    I think you're 'bang on' - mum has no need to shop .. well, certainly not for food, essentials etc ....... only little 'pleasure trips' she might manage with me, her buddy, or a friend and on rare 'good days' even alone ........... the need to 'go to the corner shop' is to prove she can still manage to do it .... and sadly today ... another reminder, she is no longer capable of managing such a simple task ......for her, for me ......

    Jeez, I just HATE this disease!!!!! :mad:

  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dick - no need for apologies - see our posts just crossed ..... :) I just had a rant at a family member who rang - told her the tale and she started laughing .... Well, I'm afraid my response wasn't very polite!!!!!! :eek:

    Why I value being able to 'talk' about these things on TP .... people who know and understand when it's ok to laugh - and do so with a wry smile or a tear - as opposed to other blithering idiots (soz - my pilot light's been lit again!!!!!! :eek: ) who haven't got an earthly clue what it is like trying to live with the demands of being a carer for a dementia sufferer .... in whatever capacity .....

    As long as I can I will try to laugh if just to preserve my own sanity ..... but I won't have mum or her situation being laughed at by folk simply haven't got a clue!!!!! :mad:

    Dick - I don't think I have shared the tale about the sausages :eek: ...... save that for another time ..... :)

    Bless, if you find the ham ..... you could sling it my way for the party table on Sunday :eek: ... I could make it the centre piece amongst all manner of other rancid food I barely dare think mum has stashed away somewhere - there's only so many places you can check, eh?

    K, x
  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Dear Karen, the other thing to realise is that, even were you to do all that, it would not in all probability make things any better for her, while making things a whole lot worse for you.

    Dementia is unforgiving, it is heartless, inexorable, infinitely changing - chameleon-like and always selecting the colour that hurts the most. It is also devious, disguising itself so that others - whether they be family, or NICE, or society generally - cannot appreciate it for what it is, how it hurts and what they could do to help.

    It just has to be a balancing act - balancing our sanity and physical and financial health with what is the best we can do for our loved one.

    Sometimes it just gets too much, but like some punch drunk boxer of old, we still keep standing up and getting punched in the mush, because that is all we can do.

    Take care, keep posting.
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Glad your mother found the purse

    yeah I know even if you gave up your Job they still feel like bruce says

    and that all we can do

    please tell us all how your mother party go Karen xx
  10. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Kaz

    We too had the ‘missing purse’. Had a phone call from mum when she was still living at home, she told me she went out shopping and her handbag was stolen.

    Major panic, before I jump in the car to drive the 45 minutes to her home, I telephone my son, who is a Police Officer. Whilst I am driving over to her, he telephones his colleagues at the local station and gets them to check out the CCTV in the area. He also phones store mangers of all her local stores, asks them to check their CCTV.

    To say I put the pedal to the metal is an understatement, I’m mentally clocking up how much the speeding fine is going to cost me.

    Half way there a thought strikes me, if her handbag has been stolen, how did she get back into the house, hummmm keys are usually in the bag!!!!!!!

    Park the car, run into the house in a high state of anxiety after my journey…………….there is mum sitting in her usual chair, handbag on lap………..”sorry to worry you dear, it was under my pillow”. Grrrrrrrrrrr

    Telephone my son, who in turn phones colleagues to call off the search for the handbag snatcher.

    On the upside, she did eventually remember where she had left the flipping bag, hay ho, every cloud and all that.

    So Kaz my friend, seems a good hiding place for the dreaded handbag could be under the pillow, keep that titbit for further reference, just in case the scent goes cold in the veg rack!!


  11. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Karen, you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I have such sympathy for you 'youngsters' caring for parents with AD. I never had to do that for my parents, and it has been an eye-opener for me to read about the problems you all face.

    You positively mustn't give up your job, or neglect your own family -- that is your future, and you mustn't jeopardise it.

    But where are the answers? More supervision? Daycare? Care home? I'm sure you've considered them all. I can't help you, but I am thinking of you.

    I hope the party goes well.

  13. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    #13 Lucille, Jul 13, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2007
    Hello Karen

    Sorry to hear that things have been fraught. I read your first post and thought, oh no! Then your second one, combined with Dick's reply about the missing ham, almost made me choke on my sandwich because I was laughing. I rarely laugh these days and I hope you know that I'm not laughing at your mum, merely the ludicrous events we deal with in this hellish disease.

    I too had a phone call yesterday from my mum. She left a message on my phone and she was shouting 'hush, hush, hush'. Then she hung up. I rang her back and she said she probably had someone with her and that was why she was telling me to be quiet :confused: The fact that I wasn't actually speaking to her failed to register. This was followed up a call from a neighbour that opened with those fateful words: "I'm a bit concerned about your mum, it's nothing to worry about, but ..." then the battery went dead on my phone. My charger was kaput and I was trying to get back to work in the wind and rain, arrying heavy bags and a vegetable pastie that was burning my hand! :) Such are the slings and arrows of dementia days.

    Bruce, as usual, was eloquent in his response. It must be a nightmare for your mum. She is so like my own ... with sprouting potatoes in the rack ... amongst other things ...

    I hope you get everything sorted, Karen. You are right to consider your family AND your job over your mum. We can't let this illness take us with it.

    Hope the party goes well and that you can raise a glass to your own achievements! :)
  14. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs

    Whilst you were playing 'hunt the purse/shopping', my Mum was playing 'hunt the key'.

    At my Mum and Dad's house they have what they call the 'wash house' ( I think posh people now call it a utility room). It is in a sort of an outhouse and the key to is is huge, and I mean HUGE - think of the sort of key they use in pantomimes.

    This key is kept on a key ring with the back door key but yesterday afternoon when my mum came home the back door key was there but no sign of the wash house key. My Dad claimed he had no idea where it was. My mum spent the evening going through drawers, pockets etc. (not sure if she checked vegetable drawer or under pillow but will keep mental note of these for future reference :D )

    Key turned up this morning attached to a key in the kitchen door with a key ring! Now I don't know about anyone else but I really struggle to put keys on those ring type key rings. That's not absent-minded just putting thing in wrong place, that really shows some determination from my Dad. Hey-hum, no harm done.

    I wouldn't worry too much about your Mum thinking she had gone shopping when she hadn't. Does your Mum snooze during the day? Could she have been thinking about going shopping, dropped off and woken to think that she had? Dreams can be very real can't they. I can often wake after a dream and it takes me a second or two to realise that it was just a dream. Just a thought.

    Take care,

  15. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Such a naughty purse!!!!

    Well, it obviously enjoyed it's little game of hide and seek yesterday and decided we had to play again this morning!!!!! :D Mum had DEFINITELY put it on the bed next to her coat ready for the Day Centre and next time she looked it had gone!!!!
    Turns out it had evidently grown legs, jumped off the bed and into one of her bags .... :) because she DEFINITELY didn't put it there because she doesn't take that bag to the Day Centre ... and she'd checked in there a dozen times already before she rang me ..... (Confession, Cate - I did actually look under the pillows before I started on the more obvious places!!!)

    Thanks everyone for all your input .... snoozing - yes, hadn't even thought of that .... and Lucille, hope you didn't mind me laughing at you choking on your sandwich (if you hadn't survived to tell the tale I promise I wouldn't have laughed!!! :eek: ) ... goodness, if we couldn't see the funny side at least sometimes, I'm sure we'd be drowning in our tears ..... and I guess I'm trying to 'bank up' some of the 'laughable' for when there is nothing funny at all .... I just took great exception yesterday to someone who hasn't a clue about the tragedy behind the laughter .... (nor the practicalities of managing the situations before we've got to the 'Oh I can laugh about it now' stage) ...... or rather chooses not to get involved or even try to understand but will be turning up on Sunday asking why the cakes aren't home-made .......:mad: (you all the know the type!!!) ..... I'll confess whilst I'm praying mum will 'rally' and be well enough for HER to enjoy the day, an awful thought has crossed my mind that it would do some usually absent folk good to see her presenting as she has done much of the last week ..... except what good is that going to do other than maybe prick their conscience for few moments? Nothing for mum or me. Oops, party mood slipping ...... :rolleyes:

    Well, this is only a pit-stop .... still got shopping to unpack and I'm even further behind schedule but wanted to drop in and say thanks (as well as an excuse for a sit-down!) ....... lots of valuable and valued comments ......

    Love, Karen (TF), x
  16. Josh

    Josh Registered User

    Jun 24, 2007
    Hi Karen,

    I know exactly what your going through.

    The Game of “hunt the Keys/Purse/Money/Cordless phone” is a Game I know all too well.

    Some additional hiding places my Gran used to “put things in” prior to moving in with us.

    Money (Notes) – She used to say her money always went missing and that some one was stealing from her, In reality they wasn’t, although it did worry us at the time. And her money was “missing” but we all assumed she was hiding it in places, it turns out we were right. When we were moving her from her bungalow in to our house, we found a few hundred pounds in notes hidden in between plates in the cupboard ! she must have been adding too it, over a period of a couple months.

    Purse – The usual places like down the back of the Sofa, Down the sides of chairs under pillows, the Veg Rack (I’ve had that one too) and also inside Saucepans and mixing bowls were always favourites of my Gran’s.

    Keys – Pretty much turn up any where and every where!

    Cordless phone’s – One time she managed to turn it off, and miss place it, it was missing for a few days we were baffled as too where it could be. Where did it turn up ?..... that’s right you guessed it (or not as the case maybe, because we only found it by accident ) inside the microwave.

    Keep your chin up, and keep your sense of humour as with out it, I think we would all pretty much crumble under the weight and strain of caring for our loved ones.

    Thinking of you,

    - x -

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