Needing reassurance

ellie 123

Registered User
May 25, 2006
As some of you will know I am in the process of moving my mother from her home in the north, to mine in the south.

Last week I was feeling quite smug as I had won a decision with the hospital to hang onto mum until next week, when I could get up there.

This Monday I woke with a really bad cold and chest infection which has kept me in bed for most of the week. Contacted SS to say I may be a few days late. Naturally, the response was that mum would be discharged as arranged and would go into care for a few days. I finally managed to talk myself into accepting this - after all it would only be for a couple of days. Yes, it would highly distress and disturb her and I would have to work harder to overcome that, but there was nothing else I could do.

Mid way through the week my back started to play up and initially I tried to ignore this but yesterday I ended up in A & E and told that due to my stress levels I was suffering with a slipped disc. I was sent home with antibiotics for the chest and pain killers and valium for the back. Pain free for a few hours yesterday - wonderful. But this morning the back is worse and pain has travelled higher up the spine. Hospital told me to arrange physio if I'm not better in a week!

Have not yet been in contact with SS (it being Sunday). But now I have no idea when I will be fit enough to get up to mum and I keep going over and over in my mind what she must be going through being moved from the familiarity of the hospital where she has spent the last six months to a totally strange environment. And one I have had no say in choosing. My heart is breaking and I just want to give up.

I know these things happen but what makes me so distraught is the fact that dementia people are not treated the best and certainly not with kindness and respect (this has been my experience) and I just want to pick her up and bring her home to safety and love.

I thought I'd worked it all out so well. I'd fought so many battles to get this far. Fighting to the point of exhaustion, thinking I just can't face another fight for what is after all only humane treatment.

I don't know what to do with the emotions I am feeling, except to say I'm v. down and negative at the moment. If only I were a millionaire and able to snap my fingers and get it all sorted. Why does the end of life have to be so hard?

ellie XX


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Ellie, what can I say. So sorry that you are so poorly. How unfortunate, chest infection and back problems. Really feel for you.

Pointless to tell you not to worry about mum, but you will both come through this.
Why does the end of life have to be so hard?
Have to agree. Sending you a special hug. Love,


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Ellie,

What a disaster. All your well thought out plans, ending in such a cruel way. I`m not surprised you`re feeling down and negative, anyone would. But you`ll get there eventually, even if it does take a little longer than planned.

I can only imagine how upset you are that your mother may have to endure a temporary move, with no familiar faces to support her. But that`s life, Ellie. You can only do your best.

Try to concentrate on yourself and get well soon. The more you take care of yourself, the faster you`ll get your mother nearer to you.

Take care

Love xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Ellie, I'm so sorry that this has happened. I know how hard you fought to get everything arranged, and then for this to happen!:(

But it's not your fault. You must be feeling absolutely lousy, with a chest infection and prolapsed disc. And to be worrying about your mum on top of it, I'm not surprised you're feeling defeated.

But don't give in. The chest infection will clear. The back? well, that might take longer. But you will get to see your mum, and you will get to bring her south.

Feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for your poor mum, but don't despair. You've fought harder battles than this and won.

Love and hugs,


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
if you can somehow perceive this as a respite for you as I have been reading your other post where you been running to home it may help you from feeling so much despair helping you lower your stress levels .

SS should pay organize transport for your mother to get to you , could you not ask your mother SW to do that for you as you are not well or is your mother self funded so SS won't pay for it, but they should organize transport to get your mother to you taking the stress of you . is your mother going to be living with you Or are you looking or found care home for your mother near you to live in .
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ellie 123

Registered User
May 25, 2006
Love you all for your usual kind and supporting messages - and for putting up with my moment of self pity.

Pain killers are working most of the time now, so that's a relief.

Margarita - mum is self funding. She's coming to live with me but the worse of it is, is that the system doesn't allow to forward plan. SS down here won't come near me until mum is actually here, so the my house can't be fully prepared beforehand.

Thanks for the hug Connie - needed it.

I know you're all right and I know that one day soon I'll be on TP full of euphoria telling you all we made it. Then I suppose I'll be back moaning about mum!!!! but like you say - that's life.

Once again thank you all and love and hugs to you all, I'm going to bed now - I've just had a shower and washed my hair for the 1st time in 3 weeks, clean bed sheets - a little bit of heaven. I've just realised what I've written - I have been having washes during the last 3 weeks, just haven't been up to the whole thing, oh my god you're going to think I'm filthy!!!!!!!!!!

lots of love
ellie xxx

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Dear Ellie 123, I know how you feel cos I had a chest infection 5 weeks ago, and couldn't visit mum in the home for a while (some of the residents had chest infections too), then I felt a bit better, but now it has come back with a vengeance and I feel like ****! But at least mum is reasonably close to me.

I think your mum will be okay as long as she realises it is all temporary, though I must say it sounds a bit cruel of the hospital to discharge her so promptly - the hospital my mum was in told her the bed would still be held for her for a month after her leaving. As it happens, we didn't need to take them up on that.

Well, sugar plum (as I call all things dear to me, my daughters and the cats!), you can't do any better, no point in beating yourself up about it. I know you will do. It's all just bad timing, and bad luck. But your mum will get over it, it might just take a couple of weeks longer for her to settle in her new environment.

Fingers crossed for you, let us know how you get on.



Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Dear Ellie,
You are certainly having a rough patch at the moment. I hope that your health improves quickly and that all your plans are soon back on track.

ellie 123 said:
what makes me so distraught is the fact that dementia people are not treated the best and certainly not with kindness and respect (this has been my experience)
Sad, but true in many cases.

Look after yourself. Best Wishes for you and your mum. Taffy :)

ellie 123

Registered User
May 25, 2006
Dear Margaret and Taffy - just to say thank you. You know yourselves the support we get from one another on TP means the world.

I'm coming round to the fact it's out of my control at the moment. I do tend to become easily overwhelmed at the moment and even though my rational brain is telling me to calm down - SS just rang to confirm mum is being moved tomorrow, so I was able to tell them to explain to mum it was only temporary, good thinking Margaret, that hadn't occured to me.

Will keep you updated.

love ellie