Needing advice

Fran66

New member
Apr 6, 2020
2
Hi there , I am just looking for some advice and guidance. My Nan is currently in a nursing home receiving end of life care . A doctor confirmed this to us about 4 weeks ago. Me and my sister have continued to visit my Nan three times a week on special circumstances since the Coronavirus restrictions. At this point my Nan is increasingly sleepy each day, taking longer to wake , refusing any to eat and drinking only a little, has had to have a catheter and is hallucinating regularly and very cold . Her health has deteriorated each week. Yesterday we got the call to say the home is now refusing our access as my Nans end of life is not imminent . We phoned head office who said that they understood our negative feelings towards this decision and seemed on our side but it was down to the care home . When we phoned the care home back to talk through a compromise of maybe 1 visit a week they hung up on my sister .
I just wanted to ask if anyone knows if legally the home is allowed to refuse us this access as Nan is on end of life . I am worried that I will never see my Nan again xx
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,015
Welcome to the forum Fran. It's a difficult time for everyone at the moment and care homes are doing their best to prevent the spread of the virus, hence refusing to let families visit, which is for the safety of the staff and all residents. My Mum's nursing home is doing the same as your Nan's home, and has said that visits will only be permitted if a resident is at "very end of life". It's a heart breaking situation for you to be in but keep posting as you'll find lots of support here.
 

Quizbunny

Registered User
Nov 20, 2011
109
I am surprised that you have been allowed to continue your visits as long as you have. The harsh truth is that every time you enter the nursing home you are risking the health of every resident in there. There are patients in hospitals that cannot receive visitors and every day people are dying without their families being with them.
My mother is in a CH with 14 beds. I haven’t seen her for over 3 weeks and I don’t know if I ever will. I would not be happy if visitors were allowed as that would lower my chance of seeing her again.
I am sorry for your situation but it is one so many of us will face.
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,015
Mum's care home is arranging video calls so perhaps this is something your Nan's home could arrange Fran, as a compromise? You and your sister could then see her and also say the things that you need to whilst minimising the risk to others. She will be able to hear your voice even though she is not in a position to respond and that would hopefully be of some comfort to you at this difficult time.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
174
Some care-homes have set up Skype for video calls but this doesn't work for everyone and can be overwhelming, even distressing. It is often not practical to use the usual 'phone (my mum really struggles for words). I am finding that sending things by post is the best option - little treats, flowers to brighten up her room (I sent silk ones from Amazon), a soft toy to cuddle or cheerful cards/short letters, It is always nice to receive things by post and the postal system seems to be working ok (you can print off postage online to avoid going into a post office). Hopefully the carers can read any letters to her if she is unable to. At least you will feel you have done your best under these very difficult and unusual circumstances.
 

Fran66

New member
Apr 6, 2020
2
Thank you everyone for your replies . I understand the situation and know a lot of people are in the same boat - I just wanted to talk to people who can relate to the heartbreaking situation to open my thoughts really instead of keeping it tucked up in my head . It’s the end of life side that upsets me the most - I understand what the care homes are doing but it’s just heartbreaking to think that’s nans last few days she will be on her own !! I like your ideas about the gifts tho - unfortunately they haven’t got Skype set up yet but I think it’s a work in progress xx Thinking of you all xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,176
South coast
Hi @Fran66 . End of life in someone with dementia does not necessarily mean that the end is imminent - sometimes it can go on for months! With the care home saying that she isnt at "very end of life" then it looks like she is probably not in her final few days. From the way the care home has worded it, it seems to me to mean that once she is in her final few hours you will be allowed to visit (which is better than a lot of places). Stay strong, it is indeed a horrible situation.