Needed to find others in the same boat

[PaulaHS]

Hi everyone, I've just joined this forum. My dad has early onset dementia and I help to care for him along with my auntie. He has no concept of the practical issues with running a home as my mum did all the practical stuff, but sadly we lost her suddenly, 2 and a half years ago, so I deal with the bills etc and my auntie helps with shopping and other bits. He's 70 in January and I thought organising a party would be a nice idea. On Wednesday I saw a different side to Dad, he got angry and cross over some costings to do with the party, he was adamant we are being charged to much and I couldn't make him understand that it was all ok. I know this is a classic symptom of people suffering from dementia that they worry about money but it was really scary. I was left feeling so upset and scared for the future that I thought I would seek support from people who are going through the same thing.
I'm not looking for answers, sadly I know there aren't any, just somewhere to share my worries and concerns.

 

[jaymor]

Hi Paula and welcome to Talking Point.

Money does seem to be one of the problems that comes up regularly, sometimes with it being given away and sometimes with not wanting to part with a penny.

Many people loose concept of the value, my MIL used to give me a shopping list two foot long and on delivery of the groceries would give me £5 and sit with her purse open waiting for the change and yes I gave her change just to satisfy her. What she did with the food I have no idea, I was at the time feeding 4 of us for less than she was feeding herself.

Your Dad is probably now back somewhere where things were cheaper and is finding the prices you have given him hard to believe.

Not sure how you can solve this other than to maybe leave it a short time and try again, you might just catch time when he is having a better day and he understands the costs involved.

 

[1mindy]

It took me a long time to learn not to discuss anything financial with my OH. I needed to talk to him as we have our daughters wedding next year. Big mistake. Amounts mean nothing to him ,it could be £20.00 or £20000 and it would be too much. So now I'm just carrying on and he is non the wiser. So my advice is just don't tell him anything to do with money, its distressing for all concerned.

 

[Kevinl]

I'm with Mindy but only when it's your OH you're dealing with (as I am now) I just pay up and she's oblivious to what things cost, however, when I was in a similar situation to Paula some years ago with my Mum it was a nightmare.
What I did find out was that my (now late) Mum would always pay a bill, so when she needed some work doing I gave her the "bill" first. I think it's somehow like paying a bill is a matter of honour where accepting a price for something prior to purchase is more open to argument. It's a bit of a deception but if I paid the bill she never had a problem paying me back.
I don't know if it's just a classic symptom of dementia or just the older being more careful with their money or just something that the older with often restricted incomes think more about.
If he has no problem paying your aunt back for the cost of his shopping and no problem paying other bills then do it and present it to him as a bill, only a suggestion, may work may not.
Personally I'm only 60 and can't believe a second class stamp cost over 12 shillings and sixpence, when I was a lad you could; buy an coat, get drunk and go and see George Formby at the Opera House and still have enough to get a cab home and a fish supper all for the price of a stamp these days, how times have changed
K

 

[UJ2015]

Hi. Besides my intro post this is really my very first post.

My parents like to worry about how much money they have to hand in the house. My Dad is the one with dementia but m Mum is just as bad. She has no concept of what anything costs and complains if I spend an extra pound on something (unless it's something she really wants then it doesn't matter so much apparently). She takes control of Dad's wallets (I don't know why he has two) and he doesn't like that but he does keep moving them and putting them who knows where. Then he says it's Mum's money and he doesn't have any. All of this is irrelevant because they have very few expenses really as me and my sis take care of everything. And so it goes.

 

[nitamac]

Same boat too

Hi there,
My mom will be 93 in Jan. I moved back a few of years ago from the U.S. when it became clear that coming over 4 times a year wasn't cutting it. She is the last member of her family, my dad and my brother are gone so it's just me. Which is fine because she was a long-term volunteer with the Samaritans and unfortunately the legacy she received is one of distrust and awareness of elder abuse. She wouldn't let anyone into the house except me or someone with me!

Luckily she can still live alone - all that is long term memory. She's lived in the same house for over 50 years now and I've watched how she checks the situation before she goes to bed or leaves the house.

I bring her her main meal every day, she's fine with breakfast and making a sandwich for supper. She still bakes but has lost the ability to cook..... I organise her life by leaving large notes on the kitchen table for her - A4, using a big, bold marker so she doesn't have to fooster to find her eye-glasses.

My current question/issue is this: a rainy afternoon I leave her a note that I'll pick her up at 3pm to go out for a cup of tea. Then about 2:45 I call her and tell her I'm on my way.
'Where?' is the reply. Check the note I tell her. So I pull up to the curb and there she is coming out of the house. We have a lovely time at the cafe, having tea and mince pies and browsing the newspaper. I drop her home. There's already a note on the kitchen table telling her the plan for next day.....
I am home, my house is a mile down the road. Mom calls me and apologises for missing me; she's sorry we didn't get to go for tea. I say 'no worries' we'll do it another time'. Or sometimes I tell her we did go......

So - she has a lovely time when she's there, but has absolutely no memory of having done it. Is there any point? One kinda hopes that the stimulation has an effect....

 

[Mrsbusy]

Could it be that he finds the thought of a party overwhelming but doesn't want to upset you? The money side is probably a concern whether it's real or not but maybe he's worried about he will show himself up, too many people, too much noise and confusion.

Most people with dementia like quieter environments, even a meal out can be too much to deal with. Maybe ask him again about the party or reassure him if he wants to stay just for a while then go that's fine too.

The anger side of it is probably from frustration and lack of control of the situation as well as anxiety about the party. Maybe sit over a cuppa and ask him?

 

[Spamar]

When we had parties after OHs diagnosis, he sat in the conservatory and 'received' two or three at a time like royalty. It stopped the bother of lots of people close to him, and he was able to concentrate on who was visiting. As everyone told him who they were, he could talk to them with a bit of insight. It cut the noise down as well. You could use a corner of the room instead.

 

[Shedrech]

Morning PaulaHS & UJ2015 & nitamac,
a warm welcome to TP - which is a bit like a boat we're all sailing in together, on sometimes calm, other times turbulent waters; it keeps us afloat


nitamac - you are being a wonderful support to your mum - you handled her phone call so kindly (I wasn't always so quick thinking)
as to your question - absolutely there's a point; several - both of you had a lovely time, that's a positive in itself - though the actual activity may slip from your mum's memory, the good feeling of being with you lasts much longer - you are building up a bank of lovely memories for yourself which will hold at bay the tide of other stuff which may threaten to engulf you - both of you are happy and she is stimulated in those moments - you are strengthening your relationship - you are both getting out and about and being social ....
so keep on with your outings as long as you possibly can