1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    Hi all
    Having a very difficult time at the moment and need some advice!

    Cut a very long story short. Mum was diagnosed in 2013. She is 60 end of this year. Her and her husband (my step dad have been married since 2004 and togeter since 99. Mum was married to my dad from 1974 to 1997.
    My dad had an affair with my mums best friend.
    They are still together.

    My step dad and mum are having a tough time. Every time this friend of my stepdad talk to him mum accusing him of having friends with benefits.

    Over christmas just gone mum first accused step dad if having the affair because he was looking at black cars (said friend drives a black car)
    I had a chat with mum and reassured her that nothing is going on.

    Tonight, they took the dogs for a walk and went to the chip shop. This friend came up to my stepdad and was being *in mums words* the ***** was all over him.
    I can tell you all now he is not having an affair with anyone. He loves my mum very very much.

    Mum cane running from the shops to our house and told stepdad she was coming to us. So he continued with walking the three dogs.

    Mum was ever so confused and upset. Saying that woman is trying to ruin us. He(stepdad) shouldnt even be talking to other women. I calmed her down and we went for a long walk.

    I have advised my step dad to go to citzen advice where he can get in contact with the right people who to talk to. They both need counselling i think. Stepdad is in denial and finding it all ever so hard. As we all are.

    But how can i keep on telling my mun that he is not having an affair!!!
    Poor stepdad. I just dont know what to say. Or what the right words are.

    I just talked calmey to her and said this woman is probably very friendly with everyone other friends and num shouldn't worry.
    And that my strpdad probably looks suspicious at every black car in feaf of it being her and mum accusing him. If that makes sense.

    I just dont know what to do!!!

    Worried xxxx thanks in advanced x




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  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,719
    Female
    London
    It's a difficult situation. Your mum has gone back in time to when her first husband cheated on her and is now confusing this with the current situation. Counselling will most probably not help as dementia does come with confusion. It's a brain disease which gives the person a new reality. I don't really know what you can do I am afraid - just going along with it isn't going to help your stepdad very much either.
     
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    #3 Lindy50, Apr 14, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
    A difficult situation indeed!

    Your poor mum seems to be re-living a very painful episode from her past :(. I guess the only comfort for you and your stepdad may be that she is unlikely to remain 'fixed' on this forever. Other things will take its place....

    Meanwhile, perhaps staying as calm and reassuring as possible is the way forward, and you seem to be doing a very good job of this. Also try to introduce as many other activities and distractions as you can, so that hopefully your mum's mind will be taken off this at least for a while.

    Have you been able to learn about the effects of dementia? The more you understand, the better, I think. There is a wonderful analogy....it's called I think the 'bookshelf analogy', the general idea being that your mum's memories are a bit like books falling off an unstable bookcase. Oh dear, I haven't put that very well :eek: I hope someone may be able to post a link to it?

    You and your mum and stepdad have my sympathy, 2young4dementia.

    (((Hugs)))

    Lindy xx
     
  4. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,084
    Brazil
  5. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
  6. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    Thank you so much xxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     

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