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Need to unload/talk

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,775
0
Southampton
Hosp visit was due to serve chest pains, found high blood pressure but nothing else came up on investigations, ECG/echo/sleep study just told him to lose weight.

Diabetes was diagnosed 5/6 yrs ago after a collapse but due to an incident with a GP he stopped going for check-ups.

After the hospital found high blood pressure and he got put on meds he's had to go the GP surgery to review meds. GP has been taking advantage and checking his blood sugar everytime they take blood to check liver function because of the BP meds,

I think the GP trying to get him comfortable going in GP surgery again and making a big thing out of good blood sugars so he'll start attending diabetes checks again. Having to treat him like a little kid lol.

They didn't weigh him.

I'm just hoping that today's hospital app doesn't effect the progress made with getting him to the GP
does he have his eyes check annually as well?
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
Hi, I've been a little snappy with him last 2-3 wks and realized I hadn't been on the forum for a while and to be honest I think I need to just get a few things off my chest somewhere.

Not much to update on, attending GP appoints regularly,all blood sugar tests have come back normal, having his diabetes eye tests

I brought him an at home blood sugar test and there has only been 1 time it was out of range and then only very slightly 7.2.

He's up to 2 different tablets for blood pressure, waiting to see if it needs to increase as he had protein in a urine sample, it's being retested due to very small amount and never had before.

He has fatty liver but again very mild,GP not concerned.

I emailed GP few months ago but still looking at other things currently.

But I have definitely noticed or caught onto a few new things lately....
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
Do not know if a new problem or just something that has kind of been hidden.

Asking a question with yes or no answer, doesn't stumble over an answer, I believe he understood what I asked no problems..eg.

Do you want a coffee? Yes/no simple.

But if I need more information afterwards eg.

Do you know where the tape measure is?
Yes.
Where is it?
Where's what?
The tape measure
Erm....
What did I ask you for?
Erm..the celotape?

He has started answering a simple one word answer with paragraphs and not actually giving an answer.

Wrap or sandwich? 10 mins later of waffling about the oven and I snap a little and off he goes.. I always snap at him,he's only answering my question,he's told me what he wants!

He changes thing very slightly..,one of the boys woke him up being sick ( they weren't) but in the next breath as he was getting up he heard one of the boys being sick.

He spent 1 day constantly asking what was up with me? Why was I snapping and having ago at him? And it was every 5 mins, what's up with you? Why you snapping? And I'm afraid I did snap in the evening but luckily I managed to I don't know, curb myself... I spent 15 mins snapping at him saying things like ,this is snapping,can you tell the difference?this is what me snapping at you really sounds like.... snapping but not exactly snapping at the same time,.not really sure how to describe it, not my finest moment but it got though to him.....he had a sheepish kinda smile on his face in the end.

I don't know if he's not listening, mishearing words or not understanding what we are saying to him but the amount of times he's said "what did you call me" . Answered a completely different question or just sat there staring blankly at you is ridiculous, I've told him I'm getting his hearing tested but that will be a battle for me in the coming weeks as he wasn't keen to say the least....

Im sorry, I know I'm writing alot but these last 3-4 wks have been horrendous and I've barely scratched the surface so I will apologize now for further posts that no doubt will follow lol
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
He's currently sitting in our bedroom almost sulking like a little kid over the most ridiculous thing,

"Such and suchs dogs got out"..20 mins later after other things been spoke about......."such and such said yeah in shed"

Me. In shed?
Him ,yeah the dog
( but said in such a manner that said I should have known what he was talking about,like I had asked him a question about if the dog had been found,which I hadn't)
Me.i had no idea what you were talking about, you missed abit out.
Him..why you snapping at me,if your just gonna snap at me all the time I'm just not going to bother talking to you.
And off he stormed upstairs

And just heard him shouting at the daughter because she's in shower and he didn't ***** hear her say she was going"
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,775
0
Southampton
Do not know if a new problem or just something that has kind of been hidden.

Asking a question with yes or no answer, doesn't stumble over an answer, I believe he understood what I asked no problems..eg.

Do you want a coffee? Yes/no simple.

But if I need more information afterwards eg.

Do you know where the tape measure is?
Yes.
Where is it?
Where's what?
The tape measure
Erm....
What did I ask you for?
Erm..the celotape?

He has started answering a simple one word answer with paragraphs and not actually giving an answer.

Wrap or sandwich? 10 mins later of waffling about the oven and I snap a little and off he goes.. I always snap at him,he's only answering my question,he's told me what he wants!

He changes thing very slightly..,one of the boys woke him up being sick ( they weren't) but in the next breath as he was getting up he heard one of the boys being sick.

He spent 1 day constantly asking what was up with me? Why was I snapping and having ago at him? And it was every 5 mins, what's up with you? Why you snapping? And I'm afraid I did snap in the evening but luckily I managed to I don't know, curb myself... I spent 15 mins snapping at him saying things like ,this is snapping,can you tell the difference?this is what me snapping at you really sounds like.... snapping but not exactly snapping at the same time,.not really sure how to describe it, not my finest moment but it got though to him.....he had a sheepish kinda smile on his face in the end.

I don't know if he's not listening, mishearing words or not understanding what we are saying to him but the amount of times he's said "what did you call me" . Answered a completely different question or just sat there staring blankly at you is ridiculous, I've told him I'm getting his hearing tested but that will be a battle for me in the coming weeks as he wasn't keen to say the least....

Im sorry, I know I'm writing alot but these last 3-4 wks have been horrendous and I've barely scratched the surface so I will apologize now for further posts that no doubt will follow lol
might be better if you dont give your husband a choice and just do something as he might not be able to choose or its too much concentration. my husband, ive notice that my husband doesnt listen or hear and he says its because he doesnt understand what im saying. eg. can you go and get the brush? i need to tell him in great detail where it is and in what room so easier to do it myself. ive learnt not to argue but get on and do it myself just so i dont snap at him and set off one of his eruptions. he also answers as if different question mainly because he didnt understand what i was asking. i thought it was his ears but now i dont think it is. he is notorious for not listening.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
Oh and the car..mot ran out, was only a make do car for the last 12 months.

He doesn't drive, never has, I'm the driver, due to arthritis I can't drive manuals very far, I really need an automatic, so plan was make do with small manual and save up for the last 12 months so I could change to an automatic.

All he kept on about was why buy a new car when old one might pass mot. ( It wouldn't have,it was falling to bits) .
He concerned about not having enough money to go on holiday next year so should just put old one through mot.
I couldn't get him to understand that I wouldn't be able to drive the car on holiday, it's too far and we would have same issue next year, mot would be up again. To go on holiday we need a car I can drive...but if we brought a car he was concerned we wouldn't be able to afford to go on holiday, going round and round in circles...
I ended up going against what he said and brought new car...now I just keep getting. " I guess we are not going on holiday next year then!"
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
I try not to argue with him but sometimes I have no choice, I have to for my kids,
he has an issue with anyone being out of the house.

They will ask/say they are going out and he always tells them no, he will use any reason..no Matter how ridiculous.

It's raining, it's 4pm, didn't you hear about that lad getting mugged 3 months ago, you got school ( in 2 days), I don't have to give you a reason I'm the parent!

Those are battles I always take on, but I always get an earful afterwards,

"You always take there side,they never listen to me because your always undermining me"
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
I do just get on with it myself alot of the time ( that's why I needed the tape measure lol) but he follows me everywhere and trys to help and stuff doesn't get done properly if at all, I normally let these types of things go as it's not worth the hassle I'll get even to the point of losing all my plants last year.

I'd go out to work in the garden , watering/ weeding, he'd come with me, due to health issues myself plants have to be at waist heIght,small watering cans and various other adaptions I've had to have done and he put plants on the floor as would give more space, changed watering cans to big 2l milk cartons as hold more water , moved plants outside before it was warm enough, thought he was helping but made it impossible for me, but that's ok, he'd help with the watering but he wasn't giving enough water and if I tried to tell him they needed more he would kick off so that was one battle I didn't take on
 

Ernest

Registered User
Jan 23, 2018
141
0
I empathize with you totally! Before my OH was diagnosed I, with hindsight, know that I was horrible to him when he didn't do, what I thought were simple things. Someone who worked with patients with dementia suggested that, instead of standing there and asking " would you like x or y" you take the "x or y" to him and ask "which of these would you like" We couldn't go out to a restaurant for a meal unless they served fish and chips. He'd look at the menu but only ever have fish and chips. This is because a dementia sufferer cannot cope with lots of writing/words so the menu baffled him. Showing him a packet of wraps or a slice of bread might help. She suggested buying The Daily Mail newspaper as there are more pictures and the font is bigger.
I read these posts and sometimes I don't feel comforted as I read howso many of you out there are trying to cope with this absolutely dreadful situation at home. I'm lucky, my OH is out of my hands! There's the rub! I cannot stop worrying . Do they ask him if he wants to watch TV, do they check to see his glasses cord isn't broken and he's botched up a repair!! Stop worrying my friends say! Easier said than done . Xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,897
0
South coast
It sounds to me like he cant hold complex thoughts in his mind, so things get forgotten, misunderstood or misremembered and he cant follow the logic anymore.

Ive had conversations like the ones you quoted, with my OH. Its enough to drive you scatty.
Things I have learned:
Keep instructions very simple
Only give one instruction at a time ie dont say something and add "but", or "and" something else
Dont ask open ended questions
Never ask "why" or "how"
Dont try and explain
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,775
0
Southampton
I do just get on with it myself alot of the time ( that's why I needed the tape measure lol) but he follows me everywhere and trys to help and stuff doesn't get done properly if at all, I normally let these types of things go as it's not worth the hassle I'll get even to the point of losing all my plants last year.

I'd go out to work in the garden , watering/ weeding, he'd come with me, due to health issues myself plants have to be at waist heIght,small watering cans and various other adaptions I've had to have done and he put plants on the floor as would give more space, changed watering cans to big 2l milk cartons as hold more water , moved plants outside before it was warm enough, thought he was helping but made it impossible for me, but that's ok, he'd help with the watering but he wasn't giving enough water and if I tried to tell him they needed more he would kick off so that was one battle I didn't take on
i understand about health issues. ive only just got a mobility scooter last week, before that i was housebound and gardening is beyond me. my son comes over to cut the lawns and hedge which is why it would be good if he did the few bits he can do. i can only do one job a day because of my back and leg. any more and i cry in pain even though i have a morphine patch on. caring for my husband is a struggle as is doing all the other jobs i have to do but sometimes i would rather go behind and finish the job rather than put up with eruptions i may have to deal with.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
The following me around also extends to bedtime, he's ready for bed by about 8 but refuses to go before me.,
He'll sit on the sofa falling asleep with no idea what's happening with whatever is on the TV, I'll tell him go up but he won't, he insists on watching TV. I don't bother picking what to watch because that's another battle,he's never interested unless he's picked it, but because he spends the night dropping off during whatever is on he rarely makes it through full series, I do try to steer more towards films even though he still picks at least I'm not part way through loads f series.

I used to push for him to go up to bed ,but he'd be back down within 20 mins or so, so I gave up on that.

I've tried going to bed and getting back up, same thing 20 mins he's downstairs, I've told him can't sleep,only going toilet, waiting till he's fell asleep, nothing works, he's back downstairs within 20 mins.

But he has no issues with me being in bed if he's up and about
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
Trying to sort important papers out with daughter, she's got new job and 6th form, in the same room, daughter and I are talking, he just starts talking at us, I say 1 minute,busy and off he goes ...I'm snapping.

He asks if I can get emails on my phone then says check and see what the bloke said...what bloke? And off he goes... I'm snapping.

Physio does phone app with me,he follows when I leave room for privacy, on and on about making sure I tell her this and that,I struggle to complete phone app and she's already been told but he didn't hear me say due to going on about me telling her
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
192
0
he is clearly not able to cope with conversation which is only going to upset and scare him more.
redirection is really hard, but it’s the best way.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
If he starts the conversations he seems fine,he can answer questions, discuss back and forth, listen and respond, but I have noticed the word thing being used a fair amount when he's forgotten what something is called but he does it very smoothly,if you're not watching for it you wouldn't notice/ think anything of it.

If you start the conversation even if the same as he started,he struggles to respond,get involved.

It isn't consistent either, he can go a week seemingly perfectly fine,then you get days where he doesn't seem able to follow anything, just blank face most of the time.

I think the latest streak has been because we had to isolate (had a covid case in house) and it threw his routine, we have a dog who he is OCD about, he has to walk her,no one else does it correctly, he wakes even a little during the night he is up and taking her, even if 3am,he can't roll over and go back to sleep because he's just got to take her, she's waiting for him to take her for her walk. Anyway he couldn't take her due to having to isolate ( but I did catch him coming back after walking her at 5am on day 2 of isolation,but that's another story) and he couldn't settle as he felt constantly like he should be doing something and it just spiraled from there
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
I don't know what is classed as wandering either. Can you wander at home?
He often disappears outside, when he comes back in he'll say oh by the way I meant to say going to sit outside with the dog. Or he'll just get up and disappears upstairs for 20-30 mins.

When walking the dog,he lets her take the lead and has said a few times he'd all of a sudden realize they were back at the house.

Shopping,he will just go up one isle and just follow it up across the back of the shop and then back down the far side no stopping,no looking for stuff.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
He had a bad nights sleep last night,pain in his leg kept him up, he did have it checked back in April as he was worried it was a blood clot but GP told him it was skeletal muscle. Told him if blood clot it would have been bigger than the other leg and if anything it was smaller.

It's been gradually getting worse, sometimes knee, sometimes hip hurts too. I've tried to get him to have it relooked at but he is slipping back into his 'its because I'm fat,they will only tell me to lose weight" frame of mind again.

Getting sharp shooting pain down his calf,tiny little steps when walking and not weight bearing while standing, he's actually holding the entire leg of the floor while standing,

But still walked the dog.

Any he's back in bed so going to make the most of the peace and quiet.

I feel so much better and calmer after being able to just chat away.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
I've noticed he's not as obsessed with 'his chores/jobs'.

He had taken over cooking and the washing,his jobs, without fail he'd be on it, not very well,had to be supervised, checked and double checked. Changes made while he wasn't looking ect.

But I've started to have to put the washer on. If he's not hungry then he's not bothered about if anyone else is, if he is hungry then he sorts/ decides what he wants but no one else.

Once a week I take daughter to work around teatime and this one day a week he does have food ready, supervised by eldest son, its still his job on this day, but not the rest of the week.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
98
0
I have noticed quite a big change in him this last week or so and I don't know if it's a good or bad thing.
For me and the kids it's a good thing but for him in general, I'm not sure.

Normally I'm not allowed out on my own, his arguement is " what if someone sees me?( I get mobility disability, walk with crutches short distances) if I'm seen they will take it off me and send him out to work"
I have been out 3x on my own with no argument from him at all.

I normally have to do battle with him when 1 of the kids want to go out,he comes up with ridiculous reasons normally...but nothing from him.

He's aware we are going out but just not interested in where or when ect.

Must be honest it's made mine and the kids life's easier but is it something I should be concerned about? He's done a complete 180.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,897
0
South coast
I recognise a lot of this and I honestly wouldnt worry about it @Unsure2021

Most of the things you have been talking about - insisting you can only watch the TV that he has picked, not allowing you out on your own, dominating conversations, insisting on doing his "jobs and chores", not going to bed even though hes falling asleep etc etc - are all to do with trying to keep control. Many people with dementia feel that control of their lives is slipping away, even though most of them do not understand why and think that their carer is stopping them doing things, treating them like a child, controlling them, telling them what to do or say, etc. Because they fear this lack of control they try desperately to try and hang on to the things that they can control.

Eventually, though, as the dementia progresses, they cannot maintain this control. It is too much for them and bit by bit they let it go. As you say, it makes life easier for everyone, but it is a bittersweet moment.
 

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