Need to unload/talk

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
476
0
I’m no medic, this is jmho, but he sounds anxious and depressed. He could have any number of physical and/or mental health conditions that share these same symptoms - there’s no way of knowing without proper investigation.

Some Doctors really have no idea how to communicate with sick people - it beggars belief how ignorant some of them are. You both clearly need help and he is going to have see a (decent!) GP at some point. Do you think he might benefit from some kind of talking therapy first, like cbt? - he sounds almost phobic about GP’s (he’s convinced himself they’re all like that bad one, but they’re not - many are lovely). I feel for you, you’re in a very difficult situation. I hope someone can offer you some practical advice.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
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I also believe he is depressed, suffering with anxiety and have no idea what to do next,it sounds horrible and it's very hard to admit but ...I want him to have another collapse,or something to happen that takes it out of his hands,I need him to have to go to hospital or something, anything so he could hopefully start getting whatever help he needs,there is something there and not knowing what or how to help, how to react to some of the things he's doing,are they deliberate,are they out of his control or are they avoidable is diabetes related and just needs to take it seriously
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,778
0
You may have seen the compassionate communication link but I will post it just in case.
I used to have a ridiculous pride in being a truthful person.
I have taken the lessons of compassionate communication and also use them on people who don’t have dementia!
Telling people what they need to know instead of the truth is so
effective!
You have been through the mill, wishing you better things in the new year!

 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,081
0
South coast
I want him to have another collapse,or something to happen that takes it out of his hands,I need him to have to go to hospital or something, anything so he could hopefully start getting whatever help he needs,
You will not be the first, nor the last, on here to have to wait till there is a crisis. The crisis will happen - as I said earlier, if its dementia it cant get hidden for ever. I had to wait for a crisis for mum and its horrible watching it all fall apart and not being able to do anything.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
0
You may have seen the compassionate communication link but I will post it just in case.
I used to have a ridiculous pride in being a truthful person.
I have taken the lessons of compassionate communication and also use them on people who don’t have dementia!
Telling people what they need to know instead of the truth is so
effective!
You have been through the mill, wishing you better things in the new year!
You will not be the first, nor the last, on here to have to wait till there is a crisis. The crisis will happen - as I said earlier, if its dementia it cant get hidden for ever. I had to wait for a crisis for mum and its horrible watching it all fall apart and not being able to do anything
I haven't replied to some comments from yesterday.. support, family,,friends, getting out.

We have 4 kids at home, 1 preteen, 2 teenagers and adult son,.and a dog.
All have picked up on issues with their dad but I try not to put too much on the younger 3 but if I need them to do something all I have to do is ask
The older one doesn't work and I have used him to get out of the house in the past,when OH would still come shopping, shopping trips started to get more difficult and OH has this thing about the dog not being left alone,either OH or eldest has to stay so I must admit I used it to my advantage sometimes,1 shopping trip with OH, 1 with the eldest,as time has passed OHs common sense seems to have gone out the window and he refuses to have a phone my eldest stays at home with OH now just in case something happens and I need to be contacted.

Before covid I would meet my mum for walks ,coffee we would have couple spa days a yr, sometimes an overnighter. I would take her to my hosp appointments and coffee afterwards, but this has all stopped as her and stepdad were shielding.

We also have an older daughter with kids of her own, This is who I rely on the most now. The grandkids are great distraction, gives me a break from the being talked at,the shadowing, the trying to' help' with things I don't need help with.
She can come in and help with any housework that's gone undone that I can't do ( have tried with the kids here doing it but it turns into a battle with OH.its his job,it's what he gets paid for) easier to allow daughter to come in ,he will moan for 5-10 mins after she's gone about her coming in and taking over, then it's forgotten till the next time,
She does alot with our youngest,takes her on days out, youngest sleeps over at hers, youngest is missing out on alot at least the others are old enough to go off and do stuff ...so yeah I rely on her alot .she has even picked up on stuff I have missed.she is my future plan her and the eldest at home,the three of us have discussed it ,I already pay them for helping anyway it's just a case of swapping OHs carers benefit over officially when the time is right and when we get to the point of him having an official carer.

I just can't really talk about something's with the kids or my mum...like sex, or when he says he really wanted to punch me then. ( I don't actually feel in any danger from him though yet)
So although I do have alot of support I still have no one to talk to,it's their dad and I don't want to unload on them
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,081
0
South coast
I just can't really talk about something's with the kids or my mum...like sex, or when he says he really wanted to punch me then. ( I don't actually feel in any danger from him though yet)
So although I do have alot of support I still have no one to talk to,it's their dad and I don't want to unload on them
Thats the beauty of this forum. You can talk about anything and no-one will judge you
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
2,025
0
67
London
All I can say reading all this is that this really does need advice from a suitable medical consultant, above GP level, so your objective should be to get him in the system, which has to start with the GP. I do not know how you are going to get him to cooperate. It might take a crisis to achieve that alas. If anything were to happen that could be used as an excuse to get him admitted to hospital, you might want to exploit the opportunity.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
0
Arrrggg,I so wanna let rip at him this morning,it's gonna be one of those days today I can tell just looking at his face,feel the tension coming from him.

I am in alot of pain with a joint.slept badly so tired too,he's tired to as every little movement I make wakes him up.

When I got up all I got was , 'well you won't ring the doctor will you?'
I hadn't said anything, just hobbled downstairs!

I won't ring the gp? Omg I have appointments coming out of my ears,I have loads of different painkillers,if said joint doesn't settle in 3 days I have to contact the specialist knee bloke not the gp,gp can't do anything but give more painkillers,I have painkillers.

Omg ,I won't call the gp, arrrggg
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
2,025
0
67
London
There is a rule taught in first aid training that might equally apply to carers. It is to make sure you protect yourself first of all. If you don't, you may be unable to help others and add to the casualty list.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
0
Yeah one of my kids is a st John cadet,they are taught that to,

It was that comment about the gp that really annoyed me ,so hypocritical,I do and will ring the gp if I need, but you try and get him to gp.....

I just ignored the comment, turned right around, hobbled bk upstairs, hid in bathroom for 15 mins and kinda let rip here to you very supportive people instead of him.

It seemed to work,he's forgotten all about it now.seems quite calm and chatty atm, and because I was able to let it out I'm not snappy at him ?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,594
0
Southampton
it really does help to walk away and vent somewhere else. ive noticed ive been more snappy because im in pain and he sits there although he is capable of more than he does and i told him the other day so he packed up the christmas tree and decs and carrys the shopping out to the kitchen when its delivered. he has copd as well which leaves him breathless and really hes not able to see what he can do to help which annoys but now i ask, i suppose hes not a mind reader. hes getting very frustrated because he cant remembers things he wants to.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
0
The only thing I did different this morning was vent here,I normally bite my tongue and keep it in.

I've also given him the job of taking Xmas decs down, he's happily pottering around doing that now,he's ok if given a one off job to do, but this job is now his and no one else can do it!

The giving him a job tends to backfire with more regular things like housework,cooking, it rarely gets done but no-one else can do it.

I normally ask for 1 job a day or hoover, and write it on white board, sometimes works sometimes he wants to pick own job and it doesn't get done.

Luckily today,he's now lost the scowly frowny face,he's calm,chilled,making jokes, pottering around,seems completely normal old self ...for now
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
869
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I'm so sorry to hear about all your problems @Unsure2021. I used to be a diabetes specialist nurse many years ago. If your husbands diabetes is not controlled it could account for many of his symptoms. When the blood sugars are too low there is not enough sugar to pass into the brain and other body tissues to allow them to work properly, but when sugars are high the insulin is not able to transport the sugar into the body cells or use the sugar properly . Either way it can make your husband sluggish physically and mentally. Even if a long term blood sugar test is high it is still possible to have huge variations during the day. This means that if a person is on certain medications they can have low blood sugar (hypos) if their diet is erratic despite highs at some parts of the day. The aim of a diabetic diet is to help even out some of the highs and lows so that medication can safely bring all the readings down to normal. If he tends to have 1 large meal daily ( a lot of male patients I knew did this) you can encourage him to have 3 small meals regularly, if he likes to drink sweet drinks try to encourage sugar free alternatives. Small changes like this can help a lot especially if he feels comfortable with them so he can maintain them long term. Vegetables with meals also help to even out blood sugars - I know on a budget this is difficult - but frozen vegetables are just as good for you and often supermarket own brand frozen veg are much cheaper than fresh. There are huge amounts of information on Diabetes UK's website and you may find it useful to have a look.
Your husband obviously does not want to go into the surgery but could you arrange a telephone appointment with a different member of staff (the diabetes clinic nurse might be helpful if they have one) - many surgeries are doing these or online consultations due to covid. If you can get one possible cause for his symptoms improved but he remains the same then there would be an obvious need to check for other health problems.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
0
His sugars are definitely all over the place, diabetes is definitely to blame for some of the issues.

When he was first diagnosed, there was no meds prescribed, just diet controlled, he got sugar levels into normal range on the longer blood test without much difficulty, n byot many changes needed at all, started losing weight, all was good until the gp thing

But he was having a few issues with memory, numbers, spelling, immediately after the collapse that weren't there before, happened almost overnight and have been consistent for the last five years. I honestly don't believe these are diabetes related, these are everyday, anytime of day , don't come and go.
I make a drink,he doesn't want one,I sit down with mine and he asks ' where's mine' or ' no thanks,I didn't want one' as if he wasn't asked.
Or he asks if I want a drink,he makes it, I sit drinking mine and the 'where's mine' or ' no ta' comes again, he doesn't remember making my drink. ( This is just one example).
He mixes numbers up when reading them. (I believe a possible reason he tries to avoid shopping)
He puts things in basket,that he says are £2, at checkout it's actually 5, we have had to fill forms out , including phone number, he couldn't write some of them, he couldn't even copy one number when copying the number from my form, when Xmas online shopping this year ( for my presents) I got emails thru,spent £25 ( which I have no problem with, it isn't excessive for what he brought) but he says. ' I didn't really spend that much did I ?'.

He was always the strongest speller in the house, I'm the weakest,need something spelling you'd ask him, but not anymore, he often has to ask me , seems to mainly be with double letter words ie Google. He uses spell check alot too as words just don't look right.


these came on overnight,do not come and go, gp was made aware and memory test given, investigation started but due to that one gp visit...all stopped.



I used to be able to tell when his sugars fell but he never really noticed.he doesn't seem to know when he's hungry either . wasn't much of a problem when I was able to do more of the cooking.

We actually eat a fair amount of fruit and veg,the kids are allowed unlimited as snacks,I have a big polytunnel green house, love growing my own fruit and veg, not this last 12 months though, but that's another story.

when I did most of the cooking, half the plate would be veg, when I couldn't chop fresh veg anymore,I changed to frozen, over time I have needed more and more help with cooking,

The amount of veg had started to dwindle, but we have had quite a bit of luck with batch cooking in the mornings, we have precooked meals full of veg in the freezer now, there has only been the odd occasion I have had to get the daughter over to help with this.

I have noticed he has been complaining of the texture of some foods and that everything is bland unless it's spicy or sweet.

I have no idea what he eats during the day anymore,he doesn't seem to sit still,I have found him stuffing cake in his mouth while letting the dog out, he has gone into kids rooms, opened selection boxes and helped himself,
I don't know if reasoning is off or he's making excuses...bananas are worst fruit for sugar, dried fruit even worse,peanuts bad because of fat ..so I'll eat this whole packet of choc chip biscuits instead. 9 times out of 10 he'll say he doesn't know why he ate it, he wasn't hungry and didn't even want it.

I'm going to send an email over to gp and diabetic nurse, I'll have a look at what I have actually got noted down over the next few days ( I have alot of my own appointments at the moment) .
I do know it's pretty basic, basically just a list of things I've noticed, haven't made note of how often or time of day ect, I may have to get a bit more data/info.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,081
0
South coast
All those things that you have noticed could be explained by dementia - I recognise all of them. Please make sure you put them in your email.
I would bullet point them so that it is easy for the GP/nurse to read
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
0
I have email ready to go, but I got thinking last night. We have a health center near us that I know does different clinics, I did a little research and they do a diabetic clinic there also, he was originally referred to the one in his gp surgery.
Should I ask if it's possible to refer him to the health centres diabetic clinic to see if he would go there as it's not actually a gp surgery ?
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
101
0
I'm thinking if he's willing to go there then there might be different options to get seen somehow by different professionals, depending on what else is held there
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,594
0
Southampton
we have health centre that has dentist, specialties but need to be registered with the GPs that are also in there. if thats the case then could you change his doctors as well?