Need to rant

[Miss Polly]

Another day of the carer coming in to give Mum a shower and Mum refusing and being really rude. This only happens once a week. I take care of her the rest of the time. She gets so stubborn. Today the carer was a new one and she was lovely. She spent some time talking to Mum trying to get to know her a little bit. Mum just answered her questions with "That's none of your business." She said she couldn't remember how many brothers or sisters she had or how many children. Just being difficult. She hasn't had a shower now for 4 weeks. Washing her doesn't seem to take the smell of urine away and she constantly complains that she is cold while I am doing it. I put the heating right up. It's like a sauna in here.

I have had to accept that she is now incontinent. I have started using proper Tena incontinence pants which are very good. The trouble is that they are so good that Mum insists she is not wet. She refuses to let me check saying that she would know. She has had the same Tena pants on since yesterday morning!!!! She is already getting sore - last time I was allowed to check. I have told her she will get worse and she just says that's up to her. I really don't know what to do. I can't believe something that should be so simple is making me so upset.

 

[marionq]

I meet a lovely chap at one of our Alz groups who is just great with his wife who is definitely well on with Alz. He told me that when she is very difficult be just says " well, if you won't cooperate I will have to put you in a home". This seems to do the trick. Perhaps you will have to take a similar firm approach with your Mum. Sometimes what sounds harsh has enough truth in it that it gets through.

 

[Benrese]

That sounds very frustrating indeed. I am sure others will be along to give some of their experiences. These are the sorts of things that make days that much longer, aren't they?

However, I would give one note regarding using being sent to a nursing home if she doesn't comply as a threat...I would think twice about doing that. Especially as many do eventually have to go into a nursing home.

Take care and I hope things will smooth out for you.

x

 

[Tin]

The hygiene side of dementia was the one thing that really got me down and created so much conflict for mum and I. Mainly during the winter months. Near impossible to get mum out of one set of clothes that she wore 24 hrs and what seemed like weeks, the only time I could get her to change anything was when she had a toilet accident and I took the opportunity to wash clothes and mum. Then during warmer months a lot easier to get mum to take a shower. But now Winter is creeping in, noticed mum has slipped back in to old ways, will not change into pj's.

 

[marionq]

That sounds very frustrating indeed. I am sure others will be along to give some of their experiences. These are the sorts of things that make days that much longer, aren't they?

However, I would give one note regarding using being sent to a nursing home if she doesn't comply as a threat...I would think twice about doing that. Especially as many do eventually have to go into a nursing home.

Take care and I hope things will smooth out for you.

x

Yes, you're right of course but I guess we all have to find ways of coping with extreme behaviour. I am so impressed with the good this fellow does that I quite understand he needs to take a firm stance at times. I might also add that he told me at times he just puts his head in his hands and weeps. Men as well as women are asked to do so much with this illness.

 

[Pepper&Spice]

Another day of the carer coming in to give Mum a shower and Mum refusing and being really rude. This only happens once a week. I take care of her the rest of the time. She gets so stubborn. Today the carer was a new one and she was lovely. She spent some time talking to Mum trying to get to know her a little bit. Mum just answered her questions with "That's none of your business." She said she couldn't remember how many brothers or sisters she had or how many children. Just being difficult. She hasn't had a shower now for 4 weeks. Washing her doesn't seem to take the smell of urine away and she constantly complains that she is cold while I am doing it. I put the heating right up. It's like a sauna in here.

I have had to accept that she is now incontinent. I have started using proper Tena incontinence pants which are very good. The trouble is that they are so good that Mum insists she is not wet. She refuses to let me check saying that she would know. She has had the same Tena pants on since yesterday morning!!!! She is already getting sore - last time I was allowed to check. I have told her she will get worse and she just says that's up to her. I really don't know what to do. I can't believe something that should be so simple is making me so upset.

Hi Miss Polly,
How about explaining that if she doesn't change her pants ( or let you) she will get an infection ( as she probably will) and will have to go to the doctors to explain why ( it's another form of blackmail but sometimes the embarrassment works) Mum will let me change hers and I make it a nightly routine that the old ones come off ( and maybe a wipe over with baby wipes if wet) and the heavier duty ones go on ( to cope with the huge volume of wet at night - where does it all come from ??)
Mum didn't like showering but used to have a bath - no longer an option now so it's just a dab over with a flannel - I try not to worry too much and concentrated on morning and night pants change and the wipes ( funnily enough she had a shower most mornings when in respite last month )
I have also explained to mum, particularly when she's virtually refusing to eat anything, that if she doesn't eat and take care of herself she will end up in hospital - I try to stick to the truth as she's no fool and the bit of brain still firing up kicks in a little and she lets me help.
Mum also is awkward with new carers until they get to know her but then if you thought there was nothing wrong with you and that you were doing everything you have always done ( mum is convinced she washes and eats big meals - I'm fat she says ) you would get annoyed at this stranger coming in and trying to take over
Take care and best of luck
( I can now recognise the smell of urine at 40 paces - not a "skill" I thought to acquire )

 

[kkerr]

I know it wont help with the refusal to change clothes/pants - but when you DO get old clothes off ... I used to spray my moms clothes with strong deodorant - she wouldn't let me spray it on her, as it was "too cold" so the clothes ALL got a good shot of it, before I took them through to her in the bathroom. Not a complete fix - but if she stayed in the clothes a bit longer than wanted - she stayed a bit fresher smelling!

 

[Hervieux]

What a brilliant idea,thank you,I will do that for my husband.Lots of unused bottles of eau de cologne in the cupboard........yay,life can be sweet again.


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[2jays]

Many moons ago when I was a newbie on here I remember reading about a bathing hint by using a towel as a poncho - cut a hole in the middle of the towel, big enough for the head to go through, and then shower under the "poncho"

I don't remember how the wet poncho was taken off and dry clothing was put on.... But I seem to remember it was successful at helping to calm a reluctant bather whilst having a shower.



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[Jessbow]

The trouble is that they are so good that Mum insists she is not wet. She refuses to let me check saying that she would know. She has had the same Tena pants on since yesterday morning!!!! She is already getting sore - last time I was allowed to check. I have told her she will get worse and she just says that's up to her. I really don't know what to do. I can't believe something that should be so simple is making me so upset.

Had the same problem some years ago , soaked but refused to change ''They are not wet and I don't know why you think I wet them'' as the wee ran down her legs they were so saturated.

Have you tried leaving a dry pair beside the washbasin, so if she does use the loo, she might think she could sneakily change them?

Mum knew very well they were wet, just refused to admit it.

she refused pads full stop for ages and ages, it was my dog, her grandson ( hello, he's 14 years old!) who were wetting the floor.

I forget where we were going, but I said that if she wouldn't wear a pad, she wasn't coming in my car ( she had the ability to understand that then) and she went off to the bedroom grunting about shoes, and tried to put a pad on. Took some doing though for it to continue.

There was no easy answer. I did manage to change then in the morning, so wet they fell round her knees on the way to the bathroom!

 

[Miss Polly]

Thank you for your replies. I have threatened "the home" in desperation. She just says "That's fine." She has an answer for everything. I don't understand how her brain can be so quick in coming back with an answer. If I leave spare pants anywhere she takes them and hides them. I finally got her to change both the pants and her clothes (same ones worn for almost 2 weeks) last night after half an hour of negotiation. It then took another half an hour for her to get changed. Her clothes were very neatly folded and put next to her. When she took the pants off, saturated with urine, they too were neatly folded, as best she could. The smell was unbearable. She wouldn't accept any help. Other times she is grateful for my help and says she will do whatever I want her too. I couldn't get her to go to bed so will probably find her asleep on the sofa, again, this morning. Then the battle to get her dressed for daycare will begin.

 

[kkerr]

I don't know what kinds of clothes your Mum likes to wear Polly - so apologies if what follows is completely unuseable -
For my Mum she was always a casual dresser, jeans, jumpers, etc. Comfort came before fashion - although she bought nice clothes - the Gap, White Stuff, etc. Probably dressed quite young for her age!
Anyway - when the clothes changing thing became an issue - I tried to find "neutral" clothes, e.g. things that were ok to be seen out in the day, but also comfortable enough to sleep in. For example - a t-shirt and a comfy sweat shirt (hoodie) were the norm. In the a.m. we would try and change from PJs to jeans, but sometimes would leave the top - if we were having a difficult morning. Likewise - PJs became yoga type pants, etc - so if they were not coming off in the day - Mom would end up in her hoodie, yoga pants and sketchers shoes. An outfit that would not look out of place if we managed to go out for a walk, etc but equally would be comfortable to sleep in at the end of the day. I usually only managed COMPLETE outfit changes when she had a shower (then the deodorant routine came out), otherwise sometimes it was just bottoms changed, sometimes just tops - sometimes neither. But I built up a pretty good wardrobe of interchangeable "neutral" clothes.