Need some advice

[Aloysius]

Mum's been diagnosed with vascular dementia. She lives alone in a semi-sheltered flat 150 miles away. Her most distressing symptom has been an utter conviction that someone in the flat has a vendetta against her: he gains access mysteriously and does all sorts of mischief, ranging from rearranging her slippers (!) to playing music through the bookcase and spying on her. Her psychiatrist prescribed respiridone in the hope that this would dampen down the hallucinations/confabulations. She hasn't been on it long (2 weeks) but it seems to have done nothing to alleviate her distress, complete obsession and downright fear. Recently, just before Christmas she became utterly disoriented, not knowing where she was or anything and I suspected a UTI which was confirmed and now she's on an a/b. I have visited over Christmas and returned yesterday. My daughter had gone on the 22nd and stocked the fridge but when I arrived the toilet was blocked and the floor running with urine (Happy Christmas!), she was dishevelled and disoriented in bed and had clearly eaten little. She cheered up visibly while we were there and she continues the ab. I'll have her urine checked on Tues.

What I want advice on is how to proceed. I don't think Mum is able to look after herself at all now: dirty, uncut nails,semi-dressed, losing weight rapidly- and her obsession is literally all encompassing. She has zilch quality of life and I have a teaching job in another county and a daughter still dependent on me here. I feel I'm bailing out a sinking ship. The CPN thinks she needs an emergency reassessment of her needs which I think means she thinks Mum needs 24/7 care. I tend to agree.Without carers going in twice a day she'd not take her tablets or eat ANYTHING.Until fairly recently it was hoped that she might go to extra support housing but I doubt they'd take her now or if it'd be practical anyway. Things weren't helped by her friend ringing me up this morning to say that she'd asked her to promise 'not to let C put me in a home'. What the hell should I, could I do?ANY advice gratefully received.

Aloysius

 

[Frankieisblue]

Hi

Mum's been diagnosed with vascular dementia. She lives alone in a semi-sheltered flat 150 miles away. Her most distressing symptom has been an utter conviction that someone in the flat has a vendetta against her: he gains access mysteriously and does all sorts of mischief, ranging from rearranging her slippers (!) to playing music through the bookcase and spying on her. Her psychiatrist prescribed respiridone in the hope that this would dampen down the hallucinations/confabulations. She hasn't been on it long (2 weeks) but it seems to have done nothing to alleviate her distress, complete obsession and downright fear. Recently, just before Christmas she became utterly disoriented, not knowing where she was or anything and I suspected a UTI which was confirmed and now she's on an a/b. I have visited over Christmas and returned yesterday. My daughter had gone on the 22nd and stocked the fridge but when I arrived the toilet was blocked and the floor running with urine (Happy Christmas!), she was dishevelled and disoriented in bed and had clearly eaten little. She cheered up visibly while we were there and she continues the ab. I'll have her urine checked on Tues.

What I want advice on is how to proceed. I don't think Mum is able to look after herself at all now: dirty, uncut nails,semi-dressed, losing weight rapidly- and her obsession is literally all encompassing. She has zilch quality of life and I have a teaching job in another county and a daughter still dependent on me here. I feel I'm bailing out a sinking ship. The CPN thinks she needs an emergency reassessment of her needs which I think means she thinks Mum needs 24/7 care. I tend to agree.Without carers going in twice a day she'd not take her tablets or eat ANYTHING.Until fairly recently it was hoped that she might go to extra support housing but I doubt they'd take her now or if it'd be practical anyway. Things weren't helped by her friend ringing me up this morning to say that she'd asked her to promise 'not to let C put me in a home'. What the hell should I, could I do?ANY advice gratefully received.

Aloysius

It seems you have done all you can

She needs to be in a safe place , the legal advice regarding that I cannot advise on

Thinking of you x

 

[sleepless]

Aloysius, your last paragraph says it all. Your mum is not living well, and must be so unhappy due to her delusions etc. I do not think any kind of accommodation other than a care home will be suitable, as I think you realise.
We very often read on here of people who were not coping with daily life adapting well to a care home and improving, because they no longer have the burden of trying to deal with domestic issues which have become beyond their capabilities.
Your mum seems to need 24 hour care now, and in a good care home she would be safe, well fed, and her medications supervised, all of which can only be of benefit to her.
Good luck with the reassessment.

 

[Pickles53]

What I want advice on is how to proceed. I don't think Mum is able to look after herself at all now: dirty, uncut nails,semi-dressed, losing weight rapidly- and her obsession is literally all encompassing. She has zilch quality of life and I have a teaching job in another county and a daughter still dependent on me here. I feel I'm bailing out a sinking ship. The CPN thinks she needs an emergency reassessment of her needs which I think means she thinks Mum needs 24/7 care. I tend to agree.Without carers going in twice a day she'd not take her tablets or eat ANYTHING.Until fairly recently it was hoped that she might go to extra support housing but I doubt they'd take her now or if it'd be practical anyway. Things weren't helped by her friend ringing me up this morning to say that she'd asked her to promise 'not to let C put me in a home'. What the hell should I, could I do?ANY advice gratefully received.

Aloysius

First of all, try to put aside what your mum said to her friend. It's clear from the rest of your post that your mum, sadly, is no longer able to make sensible decisions about looking after herself, and this includes where she should live. It is also none of the friend's business; I'm sure she thinks she's being helpful, but unless she's willing to take on the responsibility for looking after your mum her opinion should not influence your decision in any way.

You can't keep your mum safe from 150 miles away (been there, tried that) and I hope you're not considering uprooting yourself and your daughter; if your mum was well that's the last thing she would want.

Follow the CPN's advice, get an emergency reassessment and start researching care home options. We looked at extra care housing too, but things were going downhill too fast and even the CPN's advice was that mum wouldn't cope for long and then would face another disruptive move. So when the crunch came, we moved mum to a care home near me. It was such a relief and we were able to see her almost every day. The care home staff were so good to her and us; I know there are horror stories but you can also read on here very positive experiences. I didn't care for mum any less, it was just different, and I was able to be a daughter rather than a carer.

 

[Evie5831]

I had a hard time coming to terms with my Dad going into a care home but I have seen a wonderful change in him since he went in. He is happier, more responsive and takes more control over small decisions. At home he sat with his head on his chest, steadfastly refusing to participate in anything going on around him. In the care home he loves the sociability of being in the residents lounge, enjoys the food and the routine of the whole place gives him control over his environment.
I genuinely believe it is the best thing my family and I have done for him and that it is the family that have had a harder time adapting than him.
Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.

 

[MrsTerryN]

Another one for whom care home improved my mother. I do believe a lot of it was the staff made sure she was clean and washed and warm and safe.

 

[Aloysius]

Thanks to all!

Thank you for your advice-I know it's true. It's just so difficult hearing, 'I'd be all right if it weren't for him' Him being the one on whom all her delusions are centred. It seems so incredible and sad that she has absolutely no insight. I do feel worried about proceeding from here; I knew it was coming but that doesn't make it easier! But I'll start the ball rolling tomorrow.

 

[Emac]

Thank you for your advice-I know it's true. It's just so difficult hearing, 'I'd be all right if it weren't for him' Him being the one on whom all her delusions are centred. It seems so incredible and sad that she has absolutely no insight. I do feel worried about proceeding from here; I knew it was coming but that doesn't make it easier! But I'll start the ball rolling tomorrow.

It's a tough call but you know you are doing the right thing, when someone can no longer fend for themselves and their needs are such that it's virtually impossible for family to meet them it's the only sensible option. Care homes have positives safe, warm, food provided, company if you want it and activities, it's not the worst thing that can happen to a person. I think we would all say- don't put me in a care home, but that is when we are able to look after ourselves. It's also a pretty selfish statement as it takes no account whatsoever of the impact meeting such a demand might put on your family so find the best one you can and work on let ting go of any guilt