Need help with my mum

[Susiejewel]

Hi I am in a horrible state at the moment. I have been full time carer for my mum for last few years, she lives with me, it’s just the two of us living together after my partner passed away 2yrs ago with cancer, I recently had a holiday for a week but returned to chaos. My sister who is very resentful of me going away has helped make life hell. Things were coming to a head before I took my holiday but have got so much worse since coming home. It’s too long a story to write here but mum now wants to try residential care and would barely talk to me when I got home, before I went she demanded I didn’t arrange “babysitters” for her so talked through how to manage, my sister refused to help while I was away although I knew she wouldn’t leave mum alone once I’d gone plus my 2brothers Live fairly near. I also informed neighbours I would be away. I really needed the break as I have been heading for my own problems, before I left I could hardly eat or sleep, I lost a lot of weight and seemed to be walking into eating disorder, I suffer with restless leg syndrome which means sleep is difficult plus when I had some nights without this problem I still couldn’t sleep well. My anxiety is sky high and I feel I’m not in control of my emotions, I am in touch with GP but get too upset to explain things properly. During lockdown mum told me and others she felt more settled and relaxed than ever before and loved our home. I returned to accusations I don’t look after her properly, I give out of date food, I’ve stolen some of her money and only think of myself, I am devastated and have asked social services for respite care and to give mum a trial in residential care, I’m told it’s a long process and waiting lists but I can’t cope anymore, my sister and her husband resent me and won’t even talk or acknowledge me when they visit once a week but mum blames me for that even though I’ve pleaded with my sister to at least say hello for mums sake, she refuses. Im afraid I’m at breaking point and although control emotions well I seem to be crying or shouting and hate myself for it, for the first in my life I shouted at mum. I don’t know what to do next

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

The social services will have a out of hours duty social worker so at any point when you feel like this please ring them and say you NEED respite, there is a big difference between "need, want and would like." They will help you.
The second thing is its difficult to express yourself but you did fine here so why not either print or copy out what you have put here, then either send it to your GP or social services, or you can read it out over the phone. GPs tend to respond better to letters anyway.
About the other family members, their opinion is irrelevant really so just disregard. Maybe you could find a different way of relating, perhaps by text?
The Alzheimers Society encourage call to their helpline on these sorts of things too.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Susiejewel , welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I guess the accusations are based on things your mother has told people. Those that don't have the full time care of someone with dementia can be easily fooled into thinking whoever is doing the full time care is exaggerating any difficulties, that the person with dementia (PWD) is actually fine. That is based on the PWD being able to hold things together for a short while when they are visiting.
It sounds like you've a lot going on and you need help now. I suggest phoning the helping line for some advice
Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
Dementia Talking Point is a very supportive community and I'm sure there will be more people along with advice and suggestions soon.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Susiejewel
a warm welcome to DTP
you have cared for your mum through thick and thin .... so hard on you losing your partner and still having to look after your mum while grieving ... no wonder you needed a holiday; much deserved imo

sadly the person needing care often turns on the one doing most of the caring, I guess because you are there the most and so whatever is wrong has to be down to you as the petson is no longer able to realise that what feels wrong is due to the dementia

I think you have done exactly the right thing in contacting Social Services and starting the process of moving your mum into residential care (with her agreement, given what she said, which is so good to have even if she forgets what shd said) ... this will eventually give you the opportunity to visit as her daughter instead of wearing yourself out as her carer

if your mum has a decent level of income and savings, you can go ahead and arrange the move for her ... if the Local Authority have to be involved in funding her care, things have to move at their pace .... however, you can keep on at them and make it clear that you have reached carer burnout, so if you become ill and no longer able to provide hands on care she will be a vulnerable adult at risk of harm tnrough neglect ... remind them that they (not you) have the duty of care to ensure her care needs are met

Paying for dementia care in England

Dementia care isn't free, and you may need to pay for some of the care you or someone you know needs. We help you understand the different ways to pay for care, and the amount you might be expected to pay.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

definitely keep your GP involved as they can make referrals to SS

you may find it helpful to contact Admiral Nurses as they are there to support carers

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline

Call or email our Dementia Helpline/Alzheimer's Helpline for reassuring and practical advice from our specialist team of Admiral Nurses.

www.dementiauk.org