• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Need help I’m new to all this

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
532
I've just had a call from mams nursing home and they are looking at moving her to a emi nursing home . Not as shocked as I could of been but only because of reading stuff on this forum. I am wondering what happens or where does she go if the emi home isnt suitable either. What would the next step be. I know I maybe jumping the gun but cant help wondering.
Cant believe how things have escalated with her .
If the EMI nursing facility is a good one then that should prove beneficial because dementia is a speciality and however caring things can be in a Care Home, being capable of recognizing certain aspects of advanced dementia is very important. Those Homes which hold the banner of excellence are to be sought out if at all possible. See what is what when you visit the new Home.
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
Nursing home havnt moved mam to emi home but think they will, but that's not why I writing theres been loads of different things happening but need advice on just one of them at the moment.
I've read when asked I want to go home to try and distract them with something else or go along with it. I'm stuggleing because it's hard to do when your visiting through an open window. I try, I really do. But dont seem to get anywhere.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,623
South coast
I've read when asked I want to go home to try and distract them with something else or go along with it. I'm stuggleing because it's hard to do when your visiting through an open window.
The best thing is to say - yes, I know, Im organising it.If she then wants to know when, say - a couple of days, very soon. If she demands to go home NOW, then come up with some reason that she would understand and accept - your car has broken down, its too cold or wet, her homes got a burst pipe that needs repairing, the doctors wont let you because of the virus, whatever makes sense to her. Dont try and explain the real reasons because she wont accept them.

BTW, do bear in mind that the home she wants to go back to may not be the home she came from! Often when someone with dementia says they want to "go home" they are referring to a childhood home, although really its a state of mind rather than an actual place. What they are really asking for is to go back to a time and place before dementia, so that they can leave the confusion and anxiety behind, which is, of course, just not possible.
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
Thank you. I do say it's down to the doctor when shes feeling better and he will look at her file and decide then. She also thinks she can look after herself and has forgotten the nurses that use to come in 3 times a day. I've even tried to remind her of certain nurses that she liked alot and she has no recollection of them. I dont force it but cant believe she remembers nothing. She has never been diagnosed but to be honest dont really think that she needs to.
I am eternally grateful for finding this forum. It keeps me sane, well as much as you can expect.
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
Elderly Mentally Infirm, a specialised nursing home that can look after more personal . My mam is quite vocal and needs attention alot of the time and can be disruptive to other residents
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,623
South coast
She also thinks she can look after herself and has forgotten the nurses that use to come in 3 times a day. I've even tried to remind her of certain nurses that she liked alot and she has no recollection of them. I dont force it but cant believe she remembers nothing.
Yes, these are the real reasons why she cannot go home, but she truly cannot remember anything about this time - its as if it never existed to her - so in her mind she can do everything she used to and will never accept that things have changed. Dont bother trying to tell her about these reasons, it wont work and will probably just make her more annoyed.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,707
66
Toronto, Canada
My mother became very insistent about visiting her parents (both died in 1970) and I would agree, saying "We'll go the day after tomorrow because I have a dental appointment tomorrow". Rinse and repeat. Or use whatever excuse your mother would find most palatable. Can you use some excuse like the house is being painted, or the roof is being replaced and don't the workers take forever now?
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
Got call from mams nursing home last night shes very poorly seems to have chest infection. With her most of the night.
But sadly passed away this morning.
Mixed feelings I'm sad because I wont see her again but back of mind is saying thank god shes not suffering anymore.
Thank you everyone for your advice and support xx
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
1,931
Essex
Very sorry for your loss @Leopard . As you say, you have the consolation of knowing she didn't become more advanced in her dementia but nevertheless you'll miss her greatly. It changes your life completely when someone you've been caring for dies.

Look after yourself as the days ahead will be difficult but the good memories will come back in time.
 

LouiseM73

New member
Sep 20, 2020
4
One of the things that really worry me at the early stages of my mothers diagnosis, is When is it the right time to look for a Nursing home? When is it too early? She has only recently got her diagnosis and will be getting a MRI scan to see how far gone it is and if it is Alzheimer or not. She is still living alone at home and I live in Germany.

I had a call with her yesterday where she seemed relatively clear and I tend to grasp to these rare moments and think that "its not as bad as I thought", but then there will be another day where she will sound weak and very confused and forgetful again, forgetting names, dates etc, and that will scare me again.

All of this just keeps making me unsure about when to really actively start to look at a nice home. When is it "too soon"?
If she starts to insist on wanting to live at home, they will do a DoLS meeting which obviously makes me worry that she may then be able to return home again...

I am totally drained, exhausted and out of ideas of what to do.. I just dont want a home to be the "easy way out" for me and not the best solution for her.
 

LouiseM73

New member
Sep 20, 2020
4
Got call from mams nursing home last night shes very poorly seems to have chest infection. With her most of the night.
But sadly passed away this morning.
Mixed feelings I'm sad because I wont see her again but back of mind is saying thank god shes not suffering anymore.
Thank you everyone for your advice and support xx
I am so sorry to read about your loss!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
911
Southampton
i would focus on the present at the moment. does she have carers going in or an assessment. this will show what her care needs are and whether carers could fulfill her needs then when you get results then you can see what the next step could be. each dementia is different with each person so there are no hard and fast rules or timings. there are a few steps before her needing care and then check out homes. they will do their own assessment to see if they would meet her needs. would she be self-funding if not its down to LA and social workers to make the decision and financial assessment for funding.i would deal with things as they happen although i understand that its difficult when you are in a different country sorry i was replying to louisem73
 
Last edited:

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
506
Got call from mams nursing home last night shes very poorly seems to have chest infection. With her most of the night.
But sadly passed away this morning.
Mixed feelings I'm sad because I wont see her again but back of mind is saying thank god shes not suffering anymore.
Thank you everyone for your advice and support xx
I'm so sorry to hear this. Take good care x