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Need help I’m new to all this

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
My mum has just gone into a nursing home, her memory is bad but short term at the moment, I need guidance on how to cope with her when I visit.
She also has really bad anxiety.
Every visit is the same she consistently asks to go home to her own house then I explain she needs to get better ( lung cancer, Copd, lots more too )
She then starts swearing and shouting that get her out of there she hates it there so please take her home and don’t leave her there.
Then in the next breath she’s fine then 2 minutes later we are back to square one.
I cry continually and have cried that much today my eyes are sore and blurred,
My mum hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia but myself and staff think she has some degree.
I know there isn’t a magic wand but hopefully I will get some suggestions
Thanks for reading
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,664
Merseyside
Welcome to DTP @Leopard
Have you asked the staff how she is when you’re not there?
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
I have asked them and she shouts my name out throughout the day, but she did that at home as well.
As soon as carers or nurses go to her she calms down for awhile, they say she seems to peak with anxiety then comes down and does that all day and night.
When she is fine and dandy I start to wonder if this is right for her then she goes off on one and I’m so confused and upset,
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,646
South coast
You said that your mum had only just moved in there @Leopard , so she is probably still in the early stages of settling in - it can take a good couple of months for someone to settle.

When she says she wants to go home, dont try and explain why she cant - in her mind she probably doesnt think that there is anything wrong with her, so you must be lying and she gets angry. It might be better to say something that she can understand, like - its too late to go home now, or that you havent got your car (or whatever), but you will take her home tomorrow. And say this every time that you visit.

It might also help to take a break from visiting to allow her to bond with the carers, which might also help her anxiety.

My mum was totally paranoid when she first moved into her care home and was "packing to go home" every night, but after a couple of months she settled, her paranoia went and she stopped wanting to go home. After this she thrived in her care home - she made friends, joined in the activities and was happy. I never thought it would happen.
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
Thank you, everything you said all makes sence.
Today is the first time I haven’t visited, so fingers crossed she hasn’t been too bad.
Will keep posting on progress, thanks
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,373
When my mother in law went into care, my husband only visited once a week. This was to let her turn to the carers for help, not expecting family to be there. She would often tell us how awful the home was, "a living hell " according to her, that the carers ignored her. The home had a Facebook page and there she was in one of the uploaded photos smiling and taking part in the activities. After that we just ignored the complaints.
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
When my mother in law went into care, my husband only visited once a week. This was to let her turn to the carers for help, not expecting family to be there. She would often tell us how awful the home was, "a living hell " according to her, that the carers ignored her. The home had a Facebook page and there she was in one of the uploaded photos smiling and taking part in the activities. After that we just ignored the complaints.
How funny! Being rumbled by Facebook.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
535
My mum has just gone into a nursing home, her memory is bad but short term at the moment, I need guidance on how to cope with her when I visit.
She also has really bad anxiety.
Every visit is the same she consistently asks to go home to her own house then I explain she needs to get better ( lung cancer, Copd, lots more too )
She then starts swearing and shouting that get her out of there she hates it there so please take her home and don’t leave her there.
Then in the next breath she’s fine then 2 minutes later we are back to square one.
I cry continually and have cried that much today my eyes are sore and blurred,
My mum hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia but myself and staff think she has some degree.
I know there isn’t a magic wand but hopefully I will get some suggestions
Thanks for reading
It is important to assess the causation behind the behaviour. This can be complex. But once a diagnosis points to, say Alzheimer's, it then enables one to approach and interact, with an awareness of the specific behaviours and to recognise that certain things are not exactly what they might seem. The "going home " is almost a classical feature of dementia and whilst initially might refer to the actual former abode, is more than likely to evolve out of anxiety or insecurity. The long term memory which so often remains to process the new "reality" might well incorporate an earlier sense of ' home' and this too can generate those very words. As others have so helpfully pointed out, it takes a period of time to " settle " into that new environment and it seems that around three months reflects that fact in the majority of cases. But as we well know, each and every person is different and you cannot in all honesty be black and white in certainty, rather outline personal knowledge and what one has seen and experienced in respect of dementia specifically. Psychiatric problems pose a different approach owing to the retention or preservation of capacity. Dementia once advanced seems to negate such and thus " behaviour " becomes the integral factor and the correct interpretation of same, which can be very challenging.

Of course this is extremely upsetting and initially so often feels like a helpless quest, with no if any light on the horizon. But if you can draw in a long deep breath and adjust to a day to day relationship and try not to "think" about the what ifs every waking hour, then things can become less fraught and one can perhaps separate emotion from what is so very often not quite what it seems. I think for everyone here who has found the necessary transition of a loved one into Care a profound experience emotionally, the fact that you can share that experience so openly and without any sense of unease via the auspices of this Forum makes for a degree of solace at least. There can be nothing more soul destroying than a conviction that you ride this uncertain sea of troubles, alone. Of course it remains a truth that we must look into ourselves ultimately for that solace to come about, but that gut wrenching isolation which can be so very challenging at the outset, finds respite here. And tears shed bind a community of likewise folk in total accord.

With good wishes.
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
After all the replys and threads I've read I've decided one day at a time. I didnt visit my mum yesterday but she rang me last night but didnt mention my absence.
Just got back from seeing her and I managed the visit quite well I think.
She did only go on about hating it in there because there all cookoo and wants to know who to ask about coming home.
I must of given good answers because she was ok with it and I've come away with dry eyes. So that's a positive for me. I know every time could be different but I'm content for today.
Thank you for all sharing info and experience and knowledge
 

Greyling

New member
Jul 25, 2020
8
If your mother suffers with really bad anxiety, might it not be a good idea to see if appropriate medication will calm that down? I am not talking about a "chemical cosh" that will turn her into a complete zombie, but there are drugs that help alleviate extreme anxiety. Please talk to her doctor or the doctor attached to the nursing home she is living in now. It is very frightening to suffer with bad anxiety, I know, from personal experience.
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
I will have to talk to the doctor about it because I dont know what shes on now.
At home she took lorazepam half tablet 4 times a day and mirtazapine at night they wasnt great but you could tell if she hadn't had them did try something else but they comatosed her so stoped them. Thanks for the advice. Before coming onto this site I didnt know angiety was part of dementia shes been like this for awhile and we have gone to docs lots of times because normally shes not been like that. Only wish someone had mentioned dementia along time ago. Thank you all for taking your time and reading me whittle on cheers
 

Greyling

New member
Jul 25, 2020
8
Maybe Diazepam would help your mother? It is sometimes marketed as Valium, and is available in 5 mg pills and 10 mg pills.

Diazepam belongs to a group of medicines called benzodiazepines.
Diazepam is known by the brand names Diazemuls, Stesolid Rectal tubes, Diazepam Rectubes and Diazepam Desitin. It's also known as Valium, but this brand is not available in the UK anymore.

It's used to treat anxiety, muscle spasms and fits (seizures). It's also used in hospital to reduce alcohol withdrawal symptoms, such as sweating or difficulty sleeping.

It can also be taken to help you relax before an operation or other medical or dental treatments. This is known as a "pre-med".

Diazepam is available on prescription only.

It comes as tablets, a liquid that you swallow, or in a rectal tube (medicine that's squeezed into your anus). It can also be given as an injection in hospital.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,651
N Ireland
My father was diagnosed that but had no help whatsoever!
That is somewhat similar to my own experience. When my wife was diagnosed we had a few leaflets handed to us but we were, more or less, left bewildered and alone.

I discovered 2 things. Firstly, this site is a great source of information and advice. Secondly, one has to be proactive with the GP, Social Services etc to get attention.(There is an old saying that 'it's the squeaky gate that gets the oil'.)
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
I'm back, not had a day that I haven't cryed, but at least I'm not keeping it all in.
Went to visit my mam today after reading new lockdown in Manchester area last night.
Rang bell at nursing home to be greeted with we are on lockdown again....... but hurry up and make your way round the side and I will bring her to the dining room, which is where I usually visit her anyway with the window open , it's better than nothing, so I was pleased, dont know if it will be the same tomorrow but fingers crossed. Mams about the same asking to come home and that shes coming with me when I leave. It's so so sad but at least since reading story's on this fantastic forum I am more prepared for what to expect.
Thank you everyone who have helped me along ;-)
 

Leopard

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
15
I've just had a call from mams nursing home and they are looking at moving her to a emi nursing home . Not as shocked as I could of been but only because of reading stuff on this forum. I am wondering what happens or where does she go if the emi home isnt suitable either. What would the next step be. I know I maybe jumping the gun but cant help wondering.
Cant believe how things have escalated with her .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,646
South coast
EMI places are usually extremely good at managing challenging dementia behaviour. Id be surprised if they couldnt cope
 

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