Need advice


Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
Hello everyone

After all that turmoil, mum seems to have settled in at this home in India. Her personal caregiver is excellent and I am very grateful. Mum has 24-hour care and company, security, good food, familiar environment and everything one might want at this age and stage, except my physical presence. I call everyweek from here in Germany and speak to nurse and mum who sometimes asks 'When will you come?' and I say 'tomorrow'. I plan to visit again in November for about 3 months but I am beginning to get worried because I cannot say if mum will revert to her old aggressive difficult behaviour once she sees me. I can't imagine starting from scratch all over again considering that I had a nervous and physical breakdown last year (as I reported) and have just managed to get my life back on track.

What would others do?
Any advice would be gratefully received.


Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
Wigan, Lancs
Hi Sue,

I'm glad that you mum has settled down and it sounds like she is receiving excellent care.

As to what you should do about visiting in November, I cannot give any advice, except to do what you feel is right. November is still some time away and hopefully your mum will continue to be settled and feel secure. The agression may have been a phase that has now passed.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Stimpfig said:
I plan to visit again in November for about 3 months but I am beginning to get worried because I cannot say if mum will revert to her old aggressive difficult behaviour once she sees me.
Sue, it does sound as if your mum has settled well into her home. She is obviously well cared for, and if the aggression is under control, I can't see any reason for it to resurface. After all, these dementia symptoms do tend to go in phases, and hopefully she is over that phase.

No guarantees, of course, but then there never are.

Is it possible to keep your options open for an earlier return if things should become difficult? It wouldn't help either you or your mum to stay the full three months in those circumstances.

In the meantime, try not to worry. It's a long time until November, and things can change so rapidly. Case of wait and see?



Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Hi Sue

So pleased to see that mum has settled, another hurdle over.

I went through the same experience as you. How do I handle it:

If when I visit, mum is particularly aggressive, I simply leave, no threats that I will if she doesnt stop etc., I just say I have to go now, quick kiss and I'm out the door.

The next time she may be fine, I can never tell, its a case of deep breath before I go in and see what happens.

With luck though your mum will be fine. Take heart, things change all the time.




Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Must say its Nice seeing you back on TP .

Sorry to read that
I had a nervous and physical breakdown last year
I know how that feels , I feel I have had a Mental breakdown in the last 5 years , that I hate to admit to
Just can't get my mind back to how it was 5 years ago so organized , ,So on the ball . Only from this year I am Slowing getting back into the swing of thinks

Anyway my advice for what its worth , as long as you feel mental fit by November to face your mother challenging behavior go for it , If not don't go . Only go when you feel mental ready to do so .
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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hi Sue, I`m glad your mother`s settled and you`re feeling better.

I can only echo Cate`s advice. However much it is the illness and your mother can`t help herself, you mustn`t leave yourself open to abusive behaviour.

If your mother is unable to welcome you, then leave.

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
Always glad to see your posts

Hi Sue,
Nice to hear that your mother has settled in so well and that you are pleased with the home and staff.

About your trip in November, I think taking it one day at a time is best. If it were me, I would go in November, but I would do as Cate suggested if your mother happens to get too aggressive - a quick kiss, "Bye Mum, see you tomorrow" and then go off till the next day or even a few hours later that day.

You are in an especially difficult position because of the great distance between you. I think it must be so difficult to try & cope with it. Jennifer also is doing the long distance caring & it's a beast.



Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Funny you should mention me, Joanne, because I read this post earlier and I was thinking while grocery shopping "Should I try to stay for longer than I normally do - if Sue does, why shouldn't I?"

Probably not 3 months for me, though 1) I'm not sure that my husband would go for that 2) I'm not sure that I could stand the, frankly, boredom for that long. And it's the boredom that gets to me - even visiting several times a day, I'm ready to climb the walls after a week. Mummy can no longer be transported by car so it's not like I can take her out. She tends to want to go to sleep after an hour or so as well. I stay in her flat when I'm there, and it's not as if there's any maintenance to do on it.

So Sue - what do you do with yourself for 3 months when you're not actually visiting? I know you have further to go than me, hence I suppose the length of time you spend, but it does seem an incredibly long time to take out of your "real life".



Registered User
Jul 18, 2007

It must feel awful being so far frm your mum but, by the sounds of it, she isn't aggressive on the phone anymore ? Was she before ? It's just that I know my grandfather used to be really aggressive to my mum on the phone but then when he actully saw her he was fine, until the next time. I don't have much experience in this but I think every past posting from experienced people has to be right as you can never seem to predict anything with this illness. At least when you go and see her you know in your heart that you are doing it out of your love for her. How long you stay seems to be irrelevant and you will not be able to predict that until you see her and, as you know, that will change from day to day. At least remember that you going there and being with her for, no matter how long,is enough and, literally, the best child you can be for her, so give yourself some credit.

I really hope you are able to enjoy your time with her when you go.

Take Care

Chiplet x

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
Jennifer, you sprang to mind because you're doing the trans-Atlantic thing. There was another poster who was going between Scotland and Hawaii (can't remember her name but I'm in the right place for THAT :D :D!!).

Sue, I understand you are maximizing your time with your mother. She seems to be aware of who you are so that is certainly an incentive to go & spend as much time as you can.

Jennifer, I'm more like you. I need to have tasks to do with my mother or I go nuts. As it is, I go at mealtimes, feed her, take her outside for a quick wheel around if the weather is nice, pick up dirty clothes, drop off clean clothes, check dressers & closet and then I'm out of there. All this can be done in an hour - my mother is still a fast eater & I'm doubly quick on everything else.

Sue, I'm assuming you have family & friends you can visit. You know, I still think fondly of the time your mother was delivering that baby. It can still bring a smile to my face.

Take care