Need advice please

[tbsmum]

My husband is 78 and we've been married for 57 years. His memory is poor, anger appears out of nowhere and he seems to have lost his inhibitions. The other day I saw extreme pornography on his computer and when I asked why in the world he was looking at that he said he'd stumbled across it and was curious. I asked if he knew that the type he was watching was illegal and that the police could arrive at the door and take away all our computers for checking - he said he didn't care. I told our son, who said he'd also seen it but hadn't wanted to worry me so I checked his history and he'd made over 100 searches for the stuff. (I've now put it in restrictive mode which he hasn't mentioned - I'm hoping he thinks the internet provider or the police have done it.)

He simmered for an hour and then blew up - I was threatened with selling the house, divorce, him changing his Will and violence. The next morning I went to the doctors and told her the whole sorry tale. Then she said, "So why are you here and what do you expect us to do about it?" I replied that it needed to be noted on his records and that some advice on how to cope with him would be helpful. Her reply to that was, "If he gets violent, phone the police." Naturally I came out feeling a lot worse than when I went in.

His temper has abated but he has asked our son to make an appointment at the solicitors for next week. He hasn't had a meal for 5 days now - I've been putting them on the table, telling him it's there but he refuses to eat. This evening I asked him to tell me when he felt ready to eat again and he replied that he had no intention of eating again and that a couple of biscuits a day will keep him alive for as long as he wants to be alive.

Sorry to ramble - any advice on where to go from here will be most welcome.

 

[LadyA]

Hello, @tbsmum and welcome.

What a lot you have on your plate! Could I suggest that you contact the Dementia Helpline tomorrow? They have so much knowledge and experience at their fingertips, and I'm sure it would help to talk things through with one of the team there. They can be contacted at 03002221122 and are open from 9am until 8pm tomorrow.

 

[JeffAjaxSmith]

Hi @tbsmum
Most GP’s doctors are useless with mental health issues.

If you husband as no heart conditions doctors can prescribe something to calm them down before police are involved.

I would complain to quality care commission about how unhelpful your gp is with mental health maters.

A lot of violence stems from frustration I.e memory problems and it’s only way the know how to express them self.

Sorting computer out was good call and saved load of arguments.

My dad was obsessive then he had stroke mental brackdown.

Is your husbands hand close to chest all time AS I noticed that with my dad then he snapped had stroke.

I would get in touch with quality care commissions about gp’s lack of care interest TELL them you think your husband going to have stroke mental breakdown.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @tbsmum
welcome to TP
I'm sorry you met with so little help from your GP - not all GPs are clear on some of the less familiar symptoms of dementia, if that is what is happening with your husband
maybe write out a list of all the changes in your husband's behaviour and all your concerns, so that you aren't having to say them on the spot, and send it to the GP to note on their records - is there another GP at the same surgery you could talk to instead and ask if your husband might be called in for a well man check up because you are concerned about his health and welfare
a good move to set the restrictions on the computer - there are other members here who have faced situations similar to the one you describe; the losing of inhibitions is troubling and upsetting and not a simple issue to deal with
and I'm glad your son is also aware of your concerns and of your husband's behaviour - keep talking with him so he can support you
in one way the GP was right - you do need to make sure you are safe - have a room you can go to if your husband becomes threatening and aggressive, with a lock on the door and a mobile to hand - do call the police if you feel unsafe and definitely if your husband becomes violent as they are more used to dealing with such situations than many realise - a log of an incident will help medics and Social Services realise that you need support, and the Police can themselves make a referral to SS
when your husband becomes agitated/angry, don't discuss or explain or argue with him, that will just reinforce his anger - best to let him be, trying to keep the atmosphere as calm and quiet as possible so he can slowly settle - maybe play some soothing music in the background - don't be tempted to keep checking on him, unless he is unsafe
do call the Helpline number LadyA has given, the folk there are understanding and helpful and have come across all kinds of situations so you can mention anything to them
and keep posting here to chat things over

 

[margherita]

His temper has abated but he has asked our son to make an appointment at the solicitors for next week

Try to put off this appointment. I do not know what inheritance laws you have in the UK. Here in Italy spouses and children are guaranteed 1/3 of the whole patrimony (1/3 each) and only 1/3 can be given to anyone else.
I think it is different in the UK.
You should try to prevent him from damaging you and your son.
Does he have legal capacity to write a will? Can you prove he hasn't?

re food.. He seems to be using it to make you worry. I'd say to blackmail you, like children sometimes do.
An old GP of my father's used to say that nobody ever died of hunger or study in our affluent society .
As it often happens with children, they will start eating again if you pretend not to notice they aren't.

 

[Jessbow]

Would a more. Sympathetic GP come out and see him? if all this behaviour is out of character he may well have an infection, doesn't make dealing with it any easier.

is your son on your side? Is taking his father to a solicitor likely?
I'd ignore the hunger strike, keep putting his food out and pass no comment if he doesn't eat it.

Just keep yourself safe. Get your son to set you up with a simple mobile phone (if you haven't already got one) and keep it somewhere handy. If it comes to it, walk away from him if he gets irrigated / aggressive and phone for help, even if its only your son.

 

[canary]

I had similar problems with my OH, who turned out to have FTD. I too had to switch on the parental controls. If you havent done so, also prevent access to sites selling drugs, dating sites and gambling sites too. I would never have believed that I would have had to have done this for my lovely, gentle, caring man that I married, but he has changed so much.

Ive had the raging, the blaming and the threats. Before I realised that it was dementia I used to just walk out of the house and drive away when he blew up at me. On one occassion when he said he didnt want me "taking him over" and doing things for him I just said "fine" and didnt do anything for him - no cooking, washing, cleaning, or anything. After 10 days he admitted that he did need me to do things for him. Im not advocating this, mind - I did this when I just though he was being a pain. I mentioned this because it shows that he knew that there was a problem, but didnt understand that the problem was him, so he blamed me.

Would your husband be able to follow things like changing his will and divorcing you through without any help? I suspect that this is a short-lived obssession and if you did and said nothing he would forget it. Does your son think that there is a problem? Please ask your son not to take him to the solicitors and just make lots of excuses why he cant take him.

Unfortunately, many GPs do not recognise these symptoms as being possible dementia - you will have to stress the memory problems and try and get him referred to the memory clinic.

 

[Little A]

Hi @tbsmum

I agree with @canary regarding getting the memory team involved. I went to see my Dr about dad. She told me she couldn't do anything and I could go down the power of attorney route. Then she checked his records and because dad was diabetic he could be referred to the memory clinic for testing. 6 weeks later the letter came through and that got things rolling. Does your husband have any medical issues? If your Dr won't help, try to find one who has more understanding of dementia. Also definitely follow up on calling the helpline no.

Stay strong and be safe. All good thoughts are with you.

 

[tbsmum]

Thanks you so much for your replies - I'm not sure why but being able to share and be heard makes such a difference.

LadyA I will phone the Dementia Helpline as soon as the opportunity arises.

Jeff at the moment I reckon I'm more likely to have a stroke/heart attack than him. He always has been volotile - he was a soldier for years and has always been active. He's had COPD for the last 5 years which limits and frustrates him - he mainly spends his time reading or on his computer. I've long thought that he has PTSD but whenever I've mentioned it or shown him the list of symptoms he's gone into denial.

Previously when he has flared up over nothing I've left him to calm down and with 2 - 24 hours he comes and apologises and always says he doesn't know why he acts like that (that was when I took the opportunity to bring up PTSD again) - this time I knew that wasn't going to happen. The only difference now seem to be his memory, his dodgy driving and his inability to cope with any change in the household routine.

Shedrech I like your idea of writing all the symptoms down and could kick myself for not thinking of it before my first visit. We do have one brilliant GP at the practice but because he is so good appointments with him are like gold dust, but probably worth the wait.

Margherita his 'reasoning' behind changing his Will is so that when he dies I wont fall for the charms of any local farmer who wants to get his hands on our property and he was going to split it between both our children. Must admit to bursting out laughing when he said that because the idea of me ever getting involved with anyone is totally ludicrous. He was surprised when I reminded him that we own the place jointly - so now the trip to the solicitor is to put his half in our son's name and I'm fine with that.

Jessbow & Canary, thankfully our son has been living here in the annexe following his divorce 3 years ago and it's a great relief having him around. He feels sorry for his Dad and understands how frustrated he feels (and I do) but he has seen the rages and knows they're going to get worse unless we can get help for him. Because he is here 24/7 there's no reason we could think of for him not to take him but I'm hoping he can go in with him.

Little A his only medical problem on record is COPD. I keep reading about power of attorney but would have expected he would have to first be diagnosed before I could do that?

 

[Beate]

God no, no diagnosis needed for POA. It's basically an insurance policy for when something might go wrong, and most people think about and act on it far too late - because once mental capacity is lost, you cannot get POA anymore and will have to go for deputyship - something that should be avoided as it's expensive and onerous. Anyone can set up POA at any time, even if they are 40 and there is nothing wrong with them. Just imagine who would deal with your finances or welfare decisions if you got run over by a bus tomorrow and ended up in a coma?

Please get POA now. Don't delay.
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

 

[Beate]

Btw, just as a aside, if you own your property jointly and he now changes ownership of his half to his son, maybe shortly before a dementia diagnosis, this might be considered as "deprivation of assets" by the council if they are ever approached for support, because they might think he's deliberately made himself poorer so as not to have to pay care costs. Please bear this in mind. If his share falls to his son only after death, that's different of course.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @tbsmum
I agree with Beate - organise the POAs as soon as you can - if your husband might be suspicious, get the forms for both of you, maybe even your son too, so you are all doing them (you can set yours aside later, or actually go ahead as long as you don't have your husband as sole attorney) - I'd advise 2 Attorneys to act jointly and severally and a named replacement, if possible)
you can say Martin Lewis the guy on TV has said everyone should get them to make sure they know who will look after their affairs, ie look after finances and have input about medical treatment, if anything should happen (instead of having a professional Deputy appointed, which costs much more)
about the appointment with a solicitor - can your son put this off (busy time of year, solicitor on holiday/in hospital, he just forgot ....) or even not mention it in the hope your husband will forget - probably best to leave things as they are rather than encourage the feeling that it's good to rush off to the solicitor each time he has another idea ...?
has any GP looked into PTSD

 

[Risa]

Shedrech I like your idea of writing all the symptoms down and could kick myself for not thinking of it before my first visit. We do have one brilliant GP at the practice but because he is so good appointments with him are like gold dust, but probably worth the wait.

Just wanted to add that whenever I see a psychiatrist/GP for my Mum's treatment, I always stress what I want them to do i.e. look at medication to keep her calm/be less aggressive. If you want your husband to get a brain scan/referral to a memory clinic, tell the GP. I find being too polite or waiting for them to make suggestions isn't always the best way to get help. Better to to take the lead and be pushy/blunt to get what you want.

 

[Beate]

Yep, Martin Lewis has a POA set up for himself and he's in his forties. Here's a very long but incredibly informative article from his website:
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/power-of-attorney

 

[JeffAjaxSmith]

Thanks you so much for your replies - I'm not sure why but being able to share and be heard makes such a difference.

LadyA I will phone the Dementia Helpline as soon as the opportunity arises.

Jeff at the moment I reckon I'm more likely to have a stroke/heart attack than him. He always has been volotile - he was a soldier for years and has always been active. He's had COPD for the last 5 years which limits and frustrates him - he mainly spends his time reading or on his computer. I've long thought that he has PTSD but whenever I've mentioned it or shown him the list of symptoms he's gone into denial.

Previously when he has flared up over nothing I've left him to calm down and with 2 - 24 hours he comes and apologises and always says he doesn't know why he acts like that (that was when I took the opportunity to bring up PTSD again) - this time I knew that wasn't going to happen. The only difference now seem to be his memory, his dodgy driving and his inability to cope with any change in the household routine.

Shedrech I like your idea of writing all the symptoms down and could kick myself for not thinking of it before my first visit. We do have one brilliant GP at the practice but because he is so good appointments with him are like gold dust, but probably worth the wait.

Margherita his 'reasoning' behind changing his Will is so that when he dies I wont fall for the charms of any local farmer who wants to get his hands on our property and he was going to split it between both our children. Must admit to bursting out laughing when he said that because the idea of me ever getting involved with anyone is totally ludicrous. He was surprised when I reminded him that we own the place jointly - so now the trip to the solicitor is to put his half in our son's name and I'm fine with that.

Jessbow & Canary, thankfully our son has been living here in the annexe following his divorce 3 years ago and it's a great relief having him around. He feels sorry for his Dad and understands how frustrated he feels (and I do) but he has seen the rages and knows they're going to get worse unless we can get help for him. Because he is here 24/7 there's no reason we could think of for him not to take him but I'm hoping he can go in with him.

Little A his only medical problem on record is COPD. I keep reading about power of attorney but would have expected he would have to first be diagnosed before I could do that?

Hi @tbsmum as other member said going doc’s for well man might be idea.

As to will if husband is concerned about property he can do codicil he don’t have to change will.

As to capacity that’s tough one AS my dad as no short term memory but still retains long term SO able to have conversation and he understands just forget right away.

I felt sorry for my dads oncologist as when they mentioned is cancer is was like first time my dad was told.

Is defo not easy but we do have to try remember the are I’ll ITs just a shame the know what to say do to hurt us.

 

[tbsmum]

Thank you for your very helpful replies which I will act upon.

This morning he took the wind out of my sails by being tearful. He said he thinks he has alzheimers and just wants to die. I told him that I didn't think it was alzheimers but that I agreed he had a problem and that the only person who could help him feel happy again was the doctor. He grudgingly agreed to go so I've made an appointment for next Tuesday with the brilliant doctor and will just have to hope that by then he hasn't forgotten that he agreed. I've written a letter to the doctor explaining what is happening and will get it to him tomorrow.

The planned visit to the solicitor tomorrow hasn't been mentioned. I still haven't decided whether to ignore it or remind him. I keep thinking of what I'd expect him to do for me if the boot was on the other foot.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @tbsmum
good to read that you've an appointment made now

personally, I would ignore the solicitor request and cancel the appointment (you can always fib if your husband does ask and say the solicitor had to move the appointment) - best to give a lot more thought to any potential legal changes; don't rush into anything which may have unintended consequences - though organising Powers of Attorney would be very useful

 

[JeffAjaxSmith]

Thank you for your very helpful replies which I will act upon.

This morning he took the wind out of my sails by being tearful. He said he thinks he has alzheimers and just wants to die. I told him that I didn't think it was alzheimers but that I agreed he had a problem and that the only person who could help him feel happy again was the doctor. He grudgingly agreed to go so I've made an appointment for next Tuesday with the brilliant doctor and will just have to hope that by then he hasn't forgotten that he agreed. I've written a letter to the doctor explaining what is happening and will get it to him tomorrow.

The planned visit to the solicitor tomorrow hasn't been mentioned. I still haven't decided whether to ignore it or remind him. I keep thinking of what I'd expect him to do for me if the boot was on the other foot.

Hi @tbsmum am sure if shoe was on other foot he would do same.

I would forget about soilcitor forgetting seem’s like a plan.

I think your handling things great really AND hope things get better for you both when at doctors.

 

[Mudgee Joy]

I wouldn’t remind him until the actual day - then if possible be upbeat - “oh good - we have that appointment with so and so in an hour - how about we have coffee first !” Or similar -
Worked today for me to get H to hand in his drivers license- ! They just don’t remember from one day to the next ! Try to use it to advantage - All the very best - MJoy

 

[tbsmum]

Thankfully when our son asked him at lunchtime whether he still wanted to go to the solicitor, he'd forgotten all about it and said he couldn't be bothered. His is remembering about the doctor's appointment next week and isn't making any objections at the moment. The POA is underway - so at the moment the biggest negative is that he still wont eat a meal - he reckons that cups of tea and 6 biscuits a day will keep him alive for as long as he wants to be alive.