1. Rubymag

    Rubymag New member

    Jun 11, 2018
    My Mum is 94 and after 3 long years Social Services have agreed that she she doesn't understand her care needs and what she is capable of and requires 24 hour care.
    She has no mobility, no strength in her arms and legs and is totally dependent on others to do basic things for her.
    As Social Services have now assessed that Mum has limited mental capacity I can now ensure that her care is suitable.
    My dilemma is whether she is better off in a care home (where she is in now temporarily) or a one bedroomed flat where there is 24 care available but she still has privacy? The problem with a flat is she wouldn't be able to wander around and get familiar with it, so is putting her in one room the better option? Either way she won't know where is is her memory is non existent now. I feel callous just even thinking about what is best for her.

  2. mumsgone

    mumsgone Registered User

    Dec 23, 2015
    Hi, i personally think your mum would be better in a care home where she will have people on hand all the time to take care of her needs. They will also be able to move her from her room into the lounge where she would have more stimulation perhaps from entertainment they provide. She would have her meals provided for her and maybe a garden etc to look at. I would suggest you keep her in the care home and see how things go, moving her somewhere else would be difficult for her. It's all very difficult I know have been there done that and so far have 3 t shirts ! Best of luck to you and don't feel guilty or callous you are doing the best for her xx
  3. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Welcome to TP Rubymag.
    My OH and I live in the kind of supported housing you are thinking of for your mum and it is a pretty good place if you need care and want your own space. From your description your mum may need a bit more support and care than she would get in that environment, but you should not feel guilty either way. You are making sure she gets the best care available. Good luck.
  4. Jezzer

    Jezzer Registered User

    Jun 12, 2016
    Lincoln, UK
    Hello @Rubymag
    Firstly, you have no reason to feel you are being callous. You are in that place where so many of us have been. You are trying to do the best you can for your mum and I know from personal experience that it's a difficult and emotional process. You say your mum is in a care home temporarily. What are your views about the home? Have you been satisfied so far with her care? Does your mum seem settled there? As regards the flat, how would the 24 hour care your mum needs be delivered? You say the 24 hour care is "available" so how does that work? Are the flats part of the home complex? I've not come across flats where 24 hour care is provided but other TP members may have? I just don't quite understand how the care would be provided. Apologies for my lack of knowledge here! I seem to be asking a lot of questions - sorry! My mum is in late stage mixed dementia and has been in a very good care home for just over two years. She too relies on the staff to take care of her basic needs. She can't use her call button but staff know to check in on her frequently and regularly. I just don't feel I can give an opinion on the flat without knowing more. I don't feel I've been helpful to you. I'm sure other folk here on TP may be more knowledgeable. Please let us know how things develop? I wish you all the very best in finding the right place for your mum.
  5. Blondee

    Blondee Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    Hi Rubymag and welcome to TP
    I’ve just gone through the decisions you are having to make now so I sympathise and I know you would do anything other than this but as you have realised needs must.

    My situation was slightly different in that mum lived with me and when I finally realised I couldn’t copy any more and that I wasn’t doing either of us any favours (GP signed me off work for 4 weeks and it pulled me up short) SW agreed that mum needed full time care as even if they put full support in it couldn’t meet her needs. I couldn’t even leave her for 30 minutes without it being a danger.

    Your inclination will be to go for the least ‘restrictive’ for want of a better expression, option. From your description your mum has quite definite care needs and one of the things many people advised me on was getting mum into a care facility with structured activities etc while she can still benefit from it.
    I’ve just put mum into a home 10 days ago and while it hasn’t all been plain sailing I can see the benefits. I’ve plumped for one with an activities coordinator and while there isn’t a separate dementia unit there are several dementia residents at different stages there. I thought that was important as mum is still very sociable.

    One thing anyone will tell you on here is that dementia is a one way street. I was in denial about the extent of mums needs for a long time and it didn’t do any favours for anyone.

    Please keep posting. You will get the best advice and support here. I don’t know how I would have coped and continue to do without it
  6. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @Rubymag, welcome to TP from me too.

    One thing that strikes me is the question of your Mum's ability to interact with others. If she is still able to interact the privacy of a flat may become more like a prison cell. I know my wife gets great benefit from interacting with people even though she can't remember them or the conversation for long, if at all.

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