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Need advice for moving parent out of care home.

Avril K

New member
Jul 19, 2020
2
When my mother who had dementia died last July I moved my father who was diagnosed with Alzheimers up to a care home near to where I live .A year later he has of course deteriorated and still does not know where he is .Pre COVID-19 we were taking him out regularly and whilst Dad had his moments of unhappiness he also seemed to have resigned himself to being there for the short term .The isolation imposed due to the circumstances of Covid and the need to keep the elderly residents in their rooms whenever a new outbreak exists has made my husband and I feel that he would be better off with us We can afford to buy in some care on a regular basis Has anyone who has taken their parent out of care any advice
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,418
South coast
Hi @Avril K

Cast your mind back to what he was like before he moved into a care home - and he is worse now.

How many hours of care are you thinking of buying in? The trouble with dementia at home is not the time the carers are there (although this can bring its own problems), but the hours when there are no carers and he is on his own, probably not recognising it as his home, with no memory of how he got there, no understanding of why there is no one else around and no idea when someone will be coming. Most people with dementia get very frightened of being on their own at this stage and need constant reassurance by other people around every single waking moment. If you think that he is being isolated by being in his room with carers regularly checking up on him and someone on hand, night and day if he gets into problems, it will be infinitely worse in his home when there is literally no-one else there for hours on end. And you still wont be able to take him out.

We are moving on from lockdown and I think that we are now over the worst. Soon the care homes will open up again and we will all breathe a sigh of relief.
Just hang in there.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,547
Essex
Dear @Avril K,

I remember when I put dad into the care home permanently I was desperate because I knew I could no longer look after him. I kept my brothers updated and I thought that I had talked them round to this. I had POA and I was able to do this anyway they became concerned about the fees and me becoming homeless so they tried to talk me into getting him out.

I was horrified because I could no longer cope with the falls and wandering. In short I was exhausted and I tried to explain that he was having absences but this fell on deaf ears. However I kept dad in the home where he had twenty four hour care and I think this gave him an extra year. Yes there was the matter of the fees could be dealt with. Also shortly after I put dad in the home I came down with shingles and most people said it was due to stress. Could you cope with the stress of caring again? What if one of you became ill with stress? Also bringing your dad into another environment could make him more confused.

MaNaAk
 

Avril K

New member
Jul 19, 2020
2
Thanks for the reply , if I take my father out of the Care home I will have to bring carWes into our home to give my husband and I some time to do our own thing.We have a grandchild who is also very important to us and we often help with the school run etc. We are also very outdoor people who enjoy walking and sport. I suppose what I m hoping to hear from is someone who has managed successfully to balance looking after a relative with Dementia/ Alzheimer’s at the same time as not having to give up everything else .My father and I have always been very close and he is still able to recognise those members of the family he sees fairly regularly but obviously the lockdown has made everything worse for those in a care home
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,418
South coast
Im sorry @Avril K , but you simply wont be able to do everything.

My OH is nowhere near needing a care home yet, still recognises everyone around him, is not generally incontinent and sleeps well at night, although he does have mobility problems and falls a lot. He has carers in to help him wash, dress, etc in the mornings but already he takes up every single minute of my day. I cannot go out and leave him - I have to have one ear constantly open for what he is doing and whether he needs rescuing. I had to give up work, because he could not cope without me. He was constantly getting lost in supermarkets because he would wander off and then not be able to find me. He is also (like many people with dementia) very self-centred and gets upset if my attention is on someone else. For this reason I am not able to look after grandchildren. My life is now spent at home and I very seldom go out. Lockdown hasnt actually made much difference to us! My social life is spent almost entirely online and I buy things online so that i dont have to go out and take OH with me.

Also, bear in mind that your dad is further on than my OH. You will need to find out things like - Is he incontinant? because that is a whole new chapter requiring massive ammounts of washing, steam cleaning of flooring, deliveries of incontinence products and having to do personal care yourself at times (because it doesnt always coincide with when the carers arrive). Does he sleep at night, or does he (as mum used to) get up at all times night and day so that your sleep is interrupted? Will you be able to cope with the constant mood swings, the constant repetitions (its like water torture constantly dripping), the nastiness, the anger, the lack of meaningful conversation.

Caring for someone with dementia is b***** hard and if you find after a couple of weeks that you cant cope, then he may have lost the room.

Really - dont do it.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,258
Yorkshire
Hi @Avril K
You say:
".We have a grandchild who is also very important to us and we often help with the school run etc. We are also very outdoor people who enjoy walking and sport."
With your dad in your home all those pursuits will gradually fade away as his needs take over, and your nights will be disrupted

I gave up work to help look after dad, he went to day care 2x a week and had carers in to support but he was regularly up in the night and wandered out in just his pj's in winter.... he needed full time residential care
Your dad is safe and looked after, even though conditions are not ideal right now

To me, your priority is your own life, your children and your grandchildren... I suspect that's what your dad would say
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,350
If your father is at home, it could jeopardise the relationship with him. You may find resentment and anger will be the norm. Think about the disruption, there won't be any balance, your whole life will be taken over by your father's needs. You will become the carer not the daughter. Please listen to others. Just don't do it.
 

LizzieM

Registered User
May 6, 2019
51
Dear@AvrilK , whilst I admire your sentiments I am going to implore you not to do it.
Your freedom to look after your grandchild, school runs (when that restarts), spontaneity to go and walk because the weather is fab, your privacy etc will all disappear. You will also be bringing other people (the carers - and yes the good ones are wonderful ) into your household at a time when you have no idea where they have been, who they have been with, how many other people’s homes they have been into, when their last negative test was and so on.
Your dad has a team of people looking after him 24/7, can you offer that then continue to support that as his condition sadly continues to deteriorates?
Lockdown is incredibly difficult when loved ones are in care-homes but so is full-time care even if you have carers coming in.
He is safe and cared for, you are safe and healthy despite your very understandable worries.
Xx
 

Wishing20

Registered User
Feb 27, 2020
18
When my mother who had dementia died last July I moved my father who was diagnosed with Alzheimers up to a care home near to where I live .A year later he has of course deteriorated and still does not know where he is .Pre COVID-19 we were taking him out regularly and whilst Dad had his moments of unhappiness he also seemed to have resigned himself to being there for the short term .The isolation imposed due to the circumstances of Covid and the need to keep the elderly residents in their rooms whenever a new outbreak exists has made my husband and I feel that he would be better off with us We can afford to buy in some care on a regular basis Has anyone who has taken their parent out of care any advice
TAKING OUT OF CARE HOME - I’m thinking the same, the lack of visits to my Mum and her not being able to go out for a walk is heartbreaking, she’s not that far on with her Alzheimer’s and we are seriously considering moving her back home with Dad and buying in 24/7 care, it will be less that the Care Home fees and will give Mum essentially needed time with her family, I don’t see that I can ignore the current situation. The Home she’s in are not going to let visitors in, even with the new Government guidelines, and we’ve winter colds and flus to get through, I feel that they will lockdown in an instant now and this separation for families will continue for a very long time.
 

doodle1

Registered User
May 11, 2012
248
Ok I have done both 24/7 care at home and a care home. The care home was cheaper. Yes it is very hard indeed with the current restrictions but I am totally in agreement with those that are saying if you have carers coming in ,where have they been? Yes your loved one may deteriorate in the home BUT they are going to deteriorate anyway . That is the nature of dementia. You are not going to reverse the incoming tide.
24/7 care at home means two carers or one livein plus agency relief . Carers need minimum 2 hours off a day . If they have to get up at night then once is no extra charge then after that you med to pay for night carers at £120 a night. If you do the night care you can kiss goodbye to enjoying your grandchildren as you will be too tired.
In a nutshell great idea ,don't do it
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,099
Dorset
If you take him out of care and then find out that you cannot look after him as you hoped you might not find a place for him as good as the one he currently occupies.
The change could well disorientate and confuse him and advance his dementia even quicker. Please listen to the experienced people here on Talking Point, leave him where he is settled, sadly he will only get worse never better.
 

Chirpasdinner

Registered User
Jan 21, 2020
32
With regards to covid - All I would say is how can you shield your father when you are also providing after school care for a grandchild ? I am in / was this position knowing that my children could also be vectors through me for passing any virus , cough cold etc picked up in the community to my mother who was shielding.
I would also echo other posters . Don’t do it . However guilty / obliged and / or out of love you feel can care for him - it takes a team of people to care for a person with dementia especially once they need 24 hr care. It will break you . Even with night carers and 4x calls a day in a different residence it has destroyed me and I’m healthy fit and in my 40’s .
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,547
Essex
Hi @Avril K
You say:
".We have a grandchild who is also very important to us and we often help with the school run etc. We are also very outdoor people who enjoy walking and sport."
With your dad in your home all those pursuits will gradually fade away as his needs take over, and your nights will be disrupted

I gave up work to help look after dad, he went to day care 2x a week and had carers in to support but he was regularly up in the night and wandered out in just his pj's in winter.... he needed full time residential care
Your dad is safe and looked after, even though conditions are not ideal right now

To me, your priority is your own life, your children and your grandchildren... I suspect that's what your dad would say
I had the as @Shedrech and when I did go out I couldn't stop. You will have to think of your own health as well. I was exhausted worrying about dad so I think you need to give more thought to this. I know it's very difficult.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,307
When my mother who had dementia died last July I moved my father who was diagnosed with Alzheimers up to a care home near to where I live .A year later he has of course deteriorated and still does not know where he is .Pre COVID-19 we were taking him out regularly and whilst Dad had his moments of unhappiness he also seemed to have resigned himself to being there for the short term .The isolation imposed due to the circumstances of Covid and the need to keep the elderly residents in their rooms whenever a new outbreak exists has made my husband and I feel that he would be better off with us We can afford to buy in some care on a regular basis Has anyone who has taken their parent out of care any advice
Please take very great notice of what the previous members have said. It is all very true, as many of us know from experience.

Bod
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,547
Essex
Yes when my brothers suggested taking dad out of the home I was filled with dread. I also think he may not have survived the extra year if he'd still been at home with me.

MaNaAk