Need advice and a rant and I'm getting ill with the stress

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Marymars, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. Marymars

    Marymars Registered User

    Feb 11, 2018
    15
    My Mother is 92 with vascular dementia in a residential home which caters for patients with dementia.She has multi infect dementia which has come on over 3 years.She was always a very difficult narcissistic woman and so with dementia has got worse.Medical profession said initially she didn't have dementia - brace yourself despite me requesting GPs and nurses she has only ever seen a psychiatric nurse for 20 minutes 7 months ago and no consultants! She is self funding and over the past month has got worse and worse with sundowning day night reversal and verbal and physical aggression.Her GP put her on Quetiapine and lorazepine and the home phone me daily to sit with her and at night when they can't cope like tonight- I am now ill with it as my Mother has abused me all of my life and now I feel I need to look after myself.The home can't obviously cope with her and she is due in the next month to have a psychiatric assessment but it obviously needs to be urgent not routine and the home have now realised this.Has anyone else been in this position- will I have to find somewhere else for her to be cared for? I have financial power of attorney but I neither have the strength or will after looking after her for decades to have my entire
    Iife taken over by her- I may be seen as callous but she never looked after my needs even as a small child and I am mentally and physically exhausted
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    8,198
    Female
    South coast
    Yes I think you are going to have to look for another care home. It is not your responsibility to look after her while she is in the home - they obviously do not have the expertise to meet her needs - and you should not be expected to do this.

    I think you will have to find a dedicated dementia home that can deal with challenging behaviour. When you go and look at homes talk to the manager, be brutally honest about what she is like and ask them how they would deal with it.
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    6,929
    Yorkshire
    hi @Marymars
    I do agree with canary and hope your search won't be too stressful
    my dad needs to move but his current home are being understanding about how difficult it is to find another placement
    these sites might help

    https://www.carehome.co.uk
    https://www.cqc.org.uk/what-we-do/services-we-regulate/find-care-home

    I appreciate that the staff are finding it tricky to cope but it's not fair on you that they expect you to step in - what would happen if you had a holiday .... might you try telling them that you are having some time off; they don't need to know that your vacation is a staycation
     
  4. Marymars

    Marymars Registered User

    Feb 11, 2018
    15
    After no follow up phone call from the home that was promised to me I phoned them to find she is being assessed this afternoon with a view to being sectioned under the mental health act this afternoon
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    6,929
    Yorkshire
  6. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,607
    USA
    I hope your mum will be able to get the assessment and care she needs, and a placement that will be better able to meet her current and ongoing care needs.
     
  7. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,983
    Sometimes things that sound appalling like this really do turn out for the best, sweetheart. It means they will take over the finding of a place and you will be spared that stress. You really do need to look after you, really do. Warmest, Kindred.
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    8,198
    Female
    South coast
    This sort of thing sounds awful, but actually it means that she will be assessed and medication to help will be sorted. Then they will find somewhere that will be able to meet her needs.
     
  9. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    211
    Sheffield
    Sounds a very stressful situation but hopefully now you and she will get the help you need x
     
  10. Marymars

    Marymars Registered User

    Feb 11, 2018
    15
    What a roller coaster week- they didn't section her in the end because she deteriorated and was too ill to move - unconscious for 36 hours no intake and didn't wee.....they got a just in case medication backmup as they thought she was dying.....then she woke up and had her breakfast! The specialist changed her medication but now she is quiet, sleeps for 18 hours a day eats me meal and a drink then falls back to sleep.....I'm exhausted emotionally being told she's dying the. Awake then she's on a decline....
     
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    8,198
    Female
    South coast
    That can happen sometimes, @Marymars. I was told 3 times that mum was not going to survive, only for her to bounce back. It seems to happen more often than you would expect. Yes, its a roller coaster all right.
     

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