1. janemary

    janemary Registered User

    Feb 1, 2004
    37
    Enfield
    It's nearly 3 years since my husband, Phil died - peacefully after his distress and confusion. After the initial relief that he is no longer suffering I feel more alone than ever. I keep very busy, have friends but don't feel as if I am really living. Any ideas how to become more accepting and content.
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Janemary

    I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. The death of a spouse leaves such a gap. It's the loss of a soulmate, someone who has been a part of us for so long.

    I've just been reading your profile, as we hadn't 'met' before, and I was so moved by your poem Adrift. It expresses with such emotion the felings we all have as we watch the person we love disappear.

    You haven't posted for a while, and I'm so glad you thought to come back to us. Will you stay for a while, for as long as you like?

    There's no law about grieving, you know, and three years is still a short time to mourn someone who was so close to you. No-one will ever take his place, and the gap will always be there. But it does become less painful, in time. I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing about my age. It'a difficult to start again, and it's difficult to endure being alone.

    Please post again, if you feel it would help you.

    Love,
     
  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hi Janemary

    Its just over a year for me.............not sure how old you are? ........ maybe i'm a tad younger............... but i think the secret is to keep believing that there is a future out there for you..................i know i've got a future, its maybe not the future i'd expected, but its going to be a good one just the same. ;)

    That might sound sickeningly positive :eek: if the truth be known its not always how i feel, :rolleyes: i still have my down days too honey, (it comes in waves) but its how i feel most of the time............... the fact that your here and posting this thread means your accepting that you have a future too, and your looking to improve it, so maybe this is the start of your acceptance.

    I'm afraid i can't offer any advice on being more accepting or content, but whether your having a good day or bad day...........we're always here to listen.

    Best of luck.
    Love Alex x
     
  4. janemary

    janemary Registered User

    Feb 1, 2004
    37
    Enfield
    Thanks

    Thanks for all your support and kind words. I, hopefully, will keep up my contact with talking point - and try not to make it only when I'm feeling so "down". Feel a lot better today - but it is hard trying to be positive about the future. I feel as if I'm in limbo - in between young widows and not old enough to join in the older widows activities. I suppose the loss of good times with Phil (because of the dementia) when the children had left home leaves me without that store of memories of things we did together at a later stage in our lives. However, I do have good memories and I'm trying to feel that there is a good life out there even if it's not the one I'd hoped for. Once again thanks for your replies - they have made me feel stronger.
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    I think every feels a bit like that when they have lost a loved partner -- you don't seem to fit into any of the circles you belonged to before, but you're regarded with suspicion when you try to find new circles.

    I was widowed for the first time at 43, and I found it so hard to build a new life. It's likely to happen again in the not too distant future, and I really don't feel I have the energy to do it again.

    Try to stay with us, there's a good feeling of support and companionship on the forum just now, and I'm sure it would help you regain positive feelings. If you want to, of course.

    Love,
     
  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    It is only just over 2 weeks since I lost my Peg.
    I am lost,lonely and very very unhappy.
    After almost 60 years of marriage,but having known each other for about 63 years it is like being cut in half.
    What comfort have others found to get through thi awful time?
    Norman
     
  7. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    Dear Norman, my heart goes out to you...I can't say "I know how you feel" because I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose your soul mate.

    It happened to my gramps, and it happened to my great-uncle as well...and I remember how Uncle Harry used to say how hard it was. Memories everywhere, an empty house, no one to talk to, and long difficult days after a routine of caring which needed to be filled. I know he used to say he was ok in company...his son and daughter in law spent a lot of time with him, and he was relatively quick to take up some little routines again after Aunty Jean had died...shopping in town, going to football matches, visiting his sisters.

    But I know he was heartbroken...he did all these things but he always used to say "it's not the same, but she would have wanted me to do them because we used to enjoy them together".

    What I can say is that, now that Uncle Harry has gone too, and gramps, I know there is an almighty great gaping hole, and I miss them horribly. I'm ok during the day, I'm busy, I'm working, I have a routine...but it's hard, and the nights are difficult.

    What it must be like for you, without your Peg, I daren't imagine...I don't have any advice really, Norman, and wouldn't presume myself capable to give you any...People are different and need different things at different times. And it's very early days yet. Do you have friends and family close by on whom you could call? Are there any hobbies you used to be interested in but maybe didn't have time for while oyu were a full-time carer to Peg?
    I don't know if that would be any help...I don't know if you feel like company, or pursuing hobbies...I can imagine it must be an effort to try and do anything with that feeling at the back of your mind that Peg is no longer there.

    Take care and know that your friends on TP are thinking of you. Peg will always be with you.

    Very best wishes,
    Tina
     
  8. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    Just adding my support to janemary and Norman, and everyone else who is grieving. I lost my mum 4 years ago, and my dad just over a year ago. I think of them every single day. Losing your partner must be absolutely devastating. I wonder whether you have considered phoning Cruse, who can provide a bereavement counsellor to meet and talk with you? I do know how much this has helped many people, though I appreciate it's not for everyone.
    Blue sea
     
  9. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Norman,
    What can I say? My heart bleeds for you. I can imagine it is so lonely and so hard to see any way forward.
    I have no advice for you because I'm sure that you will find a way - albeit gradually, slowly and painfully.

    Please just know how much you are cared about on this forum and know that, "if wishes were horses" you would be flying round the world every day in your horse drawn chariot! I know everyone is sending you their most caring wishes - would that they could really help.
     
  10. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Today: but...where are we?

    13 years ago I lost my dear Len..........cut adrift after 35 years.......never a cross word....absolute 'soulmates'

    Gosh: One year later meet lovely LIONEL When did Dementia Kick
    in....think it was always there.


    Today: Lionel is "happywhere he is " well that is what we have to assume........at least he is not always 'unhappy'

    Me: Well whatever keeps Lionel on an even keel: Today will always be about HIM.

    Love to all,
     
  11. janemary

    janemary Registered User

    Feb 1, 2004
    37
    Enfield
    filling the gap

    Heard Tony Benn on the radio yesterday talking about losing his wife. He said "you can never fill the hole that is left, but you can decorate it with happy memories". Thought it was a lovely phrase. Hard to think "happy" though when you are feeling so bereft. Hopefully this comfort comes later. Thanks to all who replied.
     

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