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Nearly 18 months now and I Really miss Mum

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Lottie40, Jul 14, 2015.

  1. Lottie40

    Lottie40 Registered User

    Nov 5, 2013
    28
    It's almost 18 months ago that Mum passed from Alzheimers .most of the time I tend to think "Mums not here at the moment but she will be back soon" and then I get moments of reality that hit me hard like , missing Mum phoning each afternoon to ask if my son had a good day at school . I also struggle with the issue that dear Mum looked so very different towards the end ,in fact she didn't look like my Mum : (
    I also feel that Mum and Dad we're let down a lot ,they were never encouraged to talk about the Alzheimers and how they felt .Once Mum was diagnosed which was 3 years before she passed ,it just never got talked about .They liked the GP but I feel that they should have been given opportunities to ask questions or just say how they were feeling .I find myself having so many unanswered questions like , "how could The Alzheimers destroy Mums brain so quickly" "how and why did she deteriorate in just a few months". "before she went into hospital with a chest infection ,she was still walking,talking. Making Dad tea all be it with a few mistakes and then 3 months later I fought to get her back home where we nursed her until she passed.I feel that hospital was not really geared up for people with Alzheimers and I do believe that part of a Mums rapid decline was due to the hospital environment .There was no stimulation whatsoever so the parts of Mums brain that were still functioning before hospital were just neglected in hospital.The only stimulation she had was when we visited every afternoon ,we would read to her,take in photos and talk about things Mum was familiar with .Even when Mum was still continent they would make her wait so long she ended up having to wet herself . I know her Alzheimers was getting worse but I can't help but think that the lack of a stimulating environment made things worse and possibly accelerated things .
    I feel so sad that the Alzheimers robbed Mum of her life

    Sorry for waffling on so much ,I think I'm starting to feel things now as before I was so busy helping look after Mum and supporting Dad that I was functioning but not able to feel much .

    It might seem a strange thing to ask but have other folk here had a loved one with Alzheimers who's illness progressed so rapidly like Mums ?

    Thank you all for your support
    Lottie x
     
  2. Sasky

    Sasky Registered User

    Jan 29, 2014
    103
    Ashford, Kent
    Yes me. Like your Mum my Mum was functioning ok ish at home with me. She was able to do many things and was really chatty. Then she fell and broke her hip and then totally withdrew into herself and was in hospital for 5 weeks and in that time she deteriorated through their neglect. I lost my Mum 4 months after breaking her hip and I absolutely blame the hospital for her rapid decline.

    I miss her dreadfully and cry every day
     
  3. Lottie40

    Lottie40 Registered User

    Nov 5, 2013
    28
    Thank you so much for replying .Im so sorry about your Mum ,it's heartbreaking isn't it.Your Mum like mine sadly went downhill so quickly .I had been realistic about the Alzheimers ,I knew Mum had got worse but until her hospital admission it had been quite gradual .I think we were all in a state of shock .
    Sometimes I think about writing to the NHS Trust to tell them how it was and how the environment affected Mum. I know sadly that it can't help Mum but maybe it might help others in the future if changes are made.I know what you mean about crying everyday ,part of the pain for me is because I feel Mum was robbed of her life ,not just from the Alzheimers itself but the hospital stay.Mum was only 67 and we were getting a new house for her and Dad , one specifically more practical for Mum and she was really excited about it.It breaks my heart that we didn't have the chance . We thought she would be in hospital for just a few weeks .
    Im sorry you have experienced it too (hug) .Thank you for sharing with me ,it helps me feel not so alone.

    From Lottie x
     
  4. Chaucer

    Chaucer Registered User

    Jun 16, 2015
    17
    Lottie, I'm so sad to read your post. Your mum was still so young (in relative terms) and I imagine you are quite young yourself and caring for a young child (children). I can hear your sadness and shock too. Maybe it would help (you and others) if you did write to the NHS trust. I don't think it would hurt to do it. At least that way you can try and translate some of your thoughts and perhaps encourage them to look at their care. Maybe do a first draft and then come back to it.

    You may have seen my posts, my mum died this year and I've just started counselling (today actually) and your sentence: I feel so sad that the Alzheimers robbed Mum of her life - actually came up when I was talking today. Thats what makes me so sad, that she had to end her days that way.

    My mum got ill incredibly quickly too (she had VD and A) and there seemed no time to have a proper talk or say how I felt about her before she was in the throws of a violent and destructive illness. I feel like I need more time with her.

    Have you considered talking to someone professional about it? Or just a good friend?
     
  5. Lottie40

    Lottie40 Registered User

    Nov 5, 2013
    28
    Hi Chaucer Thanks for replying .I so sorry for your loss of your Mum .My Dad shares a lot with me, I always listen and try and be supportive .With my Dad ,I think he is so consumed by his own grief that he doesn't actually ask my brother and I how we are feeling .I know it isn't intentional.It seems like in my Dads eyes my Mum was only his .

    I often find it's the little things that make me cry. Things like , seeing Mums favourite sweets in shops or hearing songs or music that she liked. I've noticed lately that people don't seem to mention Mum anymore which is hard . I think that both grief and Acceptance take time and the amount of time varies from person to person.I think I mostly get through each day by thinking Mum isn't here right at this moment but she will be back soon .Now I find myself thinking "ok Mum you've been away but it's time to come back now" .I don't see it as a bad thing more that it is where I am at .

    I hope your counselling is helpful for you.At some stage I might look into it .My Dad is waiting for a date for bereavement counselling which I think will be really helpful to him .

    ((Hugs)) Lottie xx
     
  6. Chaucer

    Chaucer Registered User

    Jun 16, 2015
    17
    Thanks. The initial chat with the counsellor has thrown up a lot of feelings and I've been feeling very irritable since. I've emailed her to confirm that this is a natural response. I feel cross at my husband and i have no idea why.

    I also caught up with a friend who lost her Dad just after my mum and she is doing just fine said that she "decided she didn't want to feel **** forever and is just getting on with it." I just don't feel like that. At the moment I feel like I'm going to feel flat and unenthusiastic forever.

    It's only 6 months for me, which I know is early days, but I so wasn't expecting to feel this way.
     
  7. Lottie40

    Lottie40 Registered User

    Nov 5, 2013
    28
    Sorry for delayed reply . I think your response after your first session is probably quite normal,as you say it brings all sorts of feelings out. Your feelings are your feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel .Ive got a few family members who sound a bit like your friend ,deciding that they will just get on life .Maybe some people can do that but I know with the family members I've mentioned,I think they say it as a way of avoiding feelings .Some of my family members just don't mention Mum now which I find strange and upsetting .Maybe they don't want me to be upset but of course I'm upset on the inside anyway .
    As I said to my Dad,nothing can take away their relationship and marriage,those years of marriage and joy will always be a huge part of his life and in his heart .
    I hope your sessions are helpful x
    hugs Lottie
     
  8. piedwarbler

    piedwarbler Registered User

    Aug 3, 2010
    7,188
    Female
    South Ribble
    Hi Lottie

    My friend at work said she missed her mum more as time went on for the first couple of years as she said it seemed longer & longer since she had last seen her... that made sense to me after I lost my mum, as I feel like I miss her more now than I did when she first passed away. It's been two years now for me and I have these pangs of missing Mum that come over me like a wave.

    Thinking of you and sending hugs xx
     
  9. Lottie40

    Lottie40 Registered User

    Nov 5, 2013
    28
    Thank you so much .I know what you mean about it comes over you in waves.When I get those moments I feel a huge panic come over me and I start thinking "I've got to get Mum back". For the first year ,There was so many practical things to do plus helping Dad that it was all somewhere distant in my head .Now as each day passes I think to myself "You can come home now Mum ,you've been away long enough". The other day when the phone rang. I just instinctively thought Oh that will be Mum calling .
    My brother said something similar the other day,he said he feels worse as time goes on as it's longer since we saw Mum and she was with us .I feel so sad for Mum that she can no longer be here going through the day to day things with us .Of course I'm thankful that she isn't suffering anymore but it doesn't take the pain away .
    I'm sorry for your loss ,sending you thoughts and hugs.

    Lottie x
     

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