Near to the end?

Susan S

Registered User
Feb 16, 2008
newcastle upon Tyne
Visited Mam today.

After weeks of being totally confused and going days without much sleep or food, mam is now sleeping 12 hours+ a night and eating all her meals. For the first time in ages she is able to hold her head upright, and is a lot more aware of what's going on.

Isn't it ironic, therefore, that as Mam has become a bit more talkative over the last couple of days, she has also become much more depressed and upset!

She is now saying she will never forgive me and my sister for putting her in a home, is talking about dying very soon and she wishes it was all over.

Mam is physically extremely weak and says she is very tired. She just wants to sleep all the time.

Perhaps she is right and the end is quite close now.


Registered User
Mar 27, 2008
Dear Susan

This must be very distressing for you and your sister. I can only think that this is all part and parcel of this dreadful illness and your mum is not capable therefore of realising that it's not your fault that she needs to be in care. It is awful for you to be accused of doing something awful when you have only wanted the best for her.

Although I haven't experienced this myself (yet!!) there are plenty of people using TP that have and are and I hope you get all the support you need.

Very best wishes


barbara h

Registered User
Feb 15, 2008
county durham
I am Susan's sister and i have been upset since visiting mam on tuesday. She also said to me that she would never forgive us for putting her in the care home and was very upset and crying saying she was very tired all the time. She said to me "How long is this going to go on for ?" I just looked at her and thought to myself i wish i knew mam i only wish i knew.

Since February when she went into the home she hasn't been aware of where she was and suddenly its as if she has had a little window and seen what has happened to her.

Barbara h


Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
My heart goes out to you both. I too experience the 'little windows' and they are extremely upsetting. When someone you love says such things it tears your heart out. All I can say to comfort you is what she is saying really is part of this most terrible disease. My husband has also expressed a wish to die on occasions and I have come away feeling the worst person in the world and blamed myself because I can no longer take cae of him at home. I have also seen this mood pass and seen him as happy as he can be within the framework of someone who is confused and lost.

It may set your mind a little more at rest if you talk with the staff and ask them how she behaves when you are not there. You may be surprised at how your mum appears settled after you have left.

She may also say such things because of her physical state. My mother has had a lot of illness over this last year or so, hasn't got AZ, and when she has been very ill, her mood becomes very black and depressed. Hopefully as your mum becomes physically stronger, she will be able to start to make friends and enjoy any activities taking place. You will also perhaps be able to do little things to cheer her up. Even taking her out for a little drive if she becomes strong enough, can make her happy.

Please try not to get too upset and keep on visiting even when it must be so hard for you to take. There is the old saying - 'You always hurt the ones you love' and she must feel that she can vent her feelings (temporarily hopefully) on the ones she really loves the most - you two loving daughters.



Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Hiya Susan and Barbara,
Just wanted to say, thinking of you. No matter what mum says remember that you are doing your best for her, and what is in her best interest. You can do no more. Comfort mum as best you can, and stay strong for one another.......and do post here; you will get support through this tough time.


Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
Hi Susan & Barbara

Mum was admitted to the NH from hospital, and although improving physically became depressed for a while.

It may be that your Mum is catching up on sleep and food if she has not been eating and that the energy is giving her the strength to overcome her confusion more readily which is why the windows appear.

For me watching Mum at this semi-lucid stage was the worst bit of the disease, but For me in many ways it was easier as Mum accepted that the medics thought that she should be there..and as the slide progressed decided the NH was a holiday hotel.

I found though that her move improved once she was fit enough to go out shopping. Retail therapy for her was always a big hit. Once she realises that she could still do things, and had freedom it was easier. The home staff let her help with tidying, setting tables etc. for as long as she could and the Activities Co-ordinators took her under their wing and she particpated fully in both day sessions for a long time.

All I can say is that as the disease progressed she grew happier and more content.

But at the start it was so very very hard. And for those of us who care to watch it is difficult.



Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Susan and Barbara.

Whatever your mother is saying to you and however much it hurts, you both know she is speaking with the voice of someone with dementia. Please try not to lose sight of that.

You have both acted in her best interests as loving daughters, using discussion, advice and responsibility as your guidelines.

This is how it is but there was no alternative.

Love xx