"naughty" mother

[sek.kong]

Am I being reasonable in being a bit cross when I hear my mum being referred to as "naughty" for refusing to take her tablets?? She's a grown woman but has AZ..... Is this a symptom of the level of training and empathy of care staff or am I going off on one over a phrase??
SK

 

[connie]

Trying to play 'devil's advocate' here.

'Naughty', difficult, obstinate, wilful, disobediant, all words which could be used if your mum is refusing to take her medication.

If you are thinking of 'naughty, as in childish I can understand your concern, but how would you like the situation to be reported.

Can understand your feelings, try not to let words get at you.

 

[Grannie G]

Whatever their condition or state of mind, I would not like to hear anyone be addressed in a patronising or disrespectful manner.

 

[jenniferpa]

I think it's all to do with tone, really. I suspect if it was said affectionally you wouldn't find it offensive, while if it sounds patronizing then I'd find it irritating in the extreme. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with saying someone is uncooperative if it's said in a matter-of-fact manner but I might be upset about even that if it was said in anger. So it all comes down to tone, and I suspect that if it upset you, then the tone was off.

 

[Skye]

I'm afraid I often tell John he's being naughty -- for example, when he holds a pill in the corner of his mouth and won't swallow them. Always affectionately, of course, and I usually get a grin, and sometimes he even swallows the pill!

I agree, though, it's all in the tone.

 

[Nell]

Like you, I sometimes feel that my mother is being patronised when care staff use terms like "naughty" or "we are going to . . . ." or "dear" and such language as you use with a child - perhaps! I know it makes Mum uncomfortable - her dementia is not so far advanced that she cannot perceive what she sees as a slight. (Mind you - she was ever thus! My dear Mum could always perceive a slight in comments that seemed to me to be entirely inoffensive! )

I've come to realise that it is not such a big thing in the scheme of things, so I say nothing.

On the other side is a story concerning my Dad not long before he died. He was being very obstructive and uncooperative and demanding. Apparently the nursing sister in charge came to see him and told him in no uncertain terms that he was behaving like a child and she was not going to put up with it. Nor was she letting "her nurses" put up with it and he had better start behaving himself or WATCH OUT!!

It sounds terrible but in fact it worked like a charm!! My Dad (who didn't have dementia and therefore WAS being deliberately difficult!) said meekly "Yes, Sister. I will Sister" and immediately stopped all his nonsense!!

 

[Taffy]

Hello sek kong,

I also believe it has a lot to do with the tone and level of dementia. The problem seems to lie with finding that happy medium. I can well understand someone who still has enough reasoning ability to be annoyed at been referred to as "naughty."

I know with my mum when she is being nasty about or to others....my daughter (30) will pull her up by saying "Hey, are you being naughty." Mum just laughs and says "I had a good teacher." But it does stop her, using tactics similar to what you would with a child at times works well for mum.

In your position if this was not causing concern for your mother I would try not to let it bother you. Take Care, Taffy.

 

[Grannie G]

It`s a question of dignity.

 

[Mameeskye]

I would agree that at the end of the day it comes down to tone and the manner in which it is intended. There are some carers I know that it would set my hackles up if I heard them using. These are the people who, as far as I can see, do not understand what dementia is, and how the client cannot help what they are doing.

I know with Mum that we have always had an affectionately jokey relationship. Prior to her dementia when she did things wrong as an adult I used to jokingly call her a "daft bat" but said with love and affection, but since the dementia has kicked in I will not do it as I think it would be disrespectful.

At the end of the day I think that if something said upset either the patient or the patient's relatives then it is wrong for it to be said. This can be a grey line and difficult for carers too as what would be understood as a loving joke in one family may not be the case with another but they should understand there is an issue.

Mameeskye

 

[Skye]

At the end of the day I think that if something said upset either the patient or the patient's relatives then it is wrong for it to be said. This can be a grey line and difficult for carers too as what would be understood as a loving joke in one family may not be the case with another but they should understand there is an issue.

I agree, Mameeskye. I suppose what I say to John, and how I coax him to co-operate, is one thing, within the bounds of a loving relationship.

For anyone else to address him in the same way might upset me, though in the case of his carers, I have to say they address him equally lovingly, and have never yet given me grounds to complain.

 

[EmJ]

The way I try to look it is, would you refer to their family member in such a way if you were looking after them?

Everyone has different ways of working with this illness. Some better than others. What does tend to annoy me slightly is when a carer may refer to my granny as being in one of "those moods" today. I feel that's extremely unfair.

She fights this disease every day and you can see her trying desperately to recall her name and address and her families names. I cannot possibly begin to imagine how she feels. But I know she is happy most of the time and sings to her music. We all have good and bad days but it is unfair to criticise someone who has a disease which may affect their mood. I suppose it all comes down to training and education about this disease and a bit of sensitivity.

EmJ

 

[sek.kong]

I confess I took it to mean she was being wilful which is why I was annoyed. It still seems patronising to me. I agree that there are things you can say to your own relative that would not be appropriate from someone else. Still, in the great scheme of things........

 

[Taffy]

I took it to mean she was being wilful which is why I was annoyed.

Then by all means I would let the carer know that you were displeased with her approach. I have witnessed many times carers using tactics similar to you would with a child BUT never in a demeaning way. To what I have witnessed the level of awareness has always been taken into account. If you feel that anyone's demeanour isn't appropriate towards your mother then you have every right to speak out. Regards Taffy.