1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    For some time now I have been disappointed in two of Dad's best friends who refuse to visit him despite him now living at home again and nearby to them. One of them was his best man. Their wives come to visit and say that their husbands say that they just can't bear to see Dad like he is now and want to remember him as he was. I can't get over the fact that they can't seem to realise that Dad would probably really appreciate knowing that they are still his mates and that they would do anything to show him that and gawd knows he could probably do with a little male company as it seems to be only the women that can handle his illness in the small town he lived in (with a few wonderful exceptions).
    I know it really upsets my mother too.
    Anyways the other week Dad's best man had a heart attack and was in hospital, but ended up being okay but had to spend time in bed at home so my Mum was going to go visit him. So I told her that when she did, that she should tell him that Tom (my Dad) would have really liked to visit him, but didn't think he could handle Bill looking so frail and weak. :p Naughty I know! But I can't help grinning every time I think of it, and it made Mum laugh her head off too, the picture of Dad in his wheelchair being unable to cope with the sight of poor old Bill.;)
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,586
    Kent
    I hope your father`s friend got the message Nat.:)
     
  3. jackie1

    jackie1 Registered User

    Jun 6, 2007
    238
    Cheshire
    Sadly I know exactly what you mean. John's best friend/best man offered nothing, no words of sympathy/understanding, no offers of a visit, they didn't even acknowledge he had AZ. When I challenged him and his wife they said that they were too upset by the news to talk to us!! I wont go in to my response, surfice to say there were a few expletives.

    We no longer have any contact with them. So sad when John is their little girls godfather and he had been so supportive when D's first marriage broke up.

    I understand that people don't know what to say and people often said the wrong thing but I was, and still am, grateful for the fact that they try.

    Jackie
     
  4. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    It's so strange isn't it when these friends suddenly disappear into the shadows because they can't cope.

    Mum's friends have mostly been good, it's actually her sister who gives us these problems.

    Her husband actually asked my dad not to tell her anything about mum's condition because it upset her too much. I find it an odd state of affairs and to be truthful it makes me very angry - I want to shout at her to get a grip, be an adult and deal with it - this is life and bad things happen so get on with it.

    I often wonder how she would feel if her husband became ill and we all deserted her because we "couldn't face it".

    Actually, the worse case I knew was when my fiance died in a work accident. He lived for about a week after the accident but he was a mess - the botttom half of his body was held together with a cage, his legs were amputated and he had to have dialysis into the veins in his neck because it was the only place not crushed. His mother went in to see him once, screamed blue murder and never went back, even when they said he would die within the hour because she "couldn't face it". I'm still angry about that now. I was only 19 and I coped with it.

    Maybe I'm too harsh but I think these people are weak - maybe they've never had to cope with adversity.
     
  5. MrsP

    MrsP Registered User

    Mar 19, 2005
    115
    Firstly, sorry to hear your story Kate, going through trauma like that at any age must be devestating.

    My Dad's wife couldn't cope with his dementia. I don't blame her for that one little bit, as none of us find it easy. The thing that really stuck the knife in was that she used to put him down and scold him in front of others, myself included. She managed to turn the whole thing into 'poor her' instead of 'poor him'. I once heard her complain in front of him that it was unfair that she should have to go back to work at her age just to support them, as at her time of life she should be relaxing. I was so shocked I couldn't reply (my dad has never heard me swear!). There was my workaholic Dad, who had supported them in some luxury for several years, unable to work, and she was the one complaining. Luckily dad was able to leave her and still had capacity at the time to divorce her. And good riddance I say!

    He moved to a home near his siblings, but only one out of the three go to visit. My own brother has only seen him twice in the past year. He can't cope with it either. I kind of understand, because if you can't see it you don't have to deal with it. But I personally couldn't live with myself if I didn't make the effort. He feels useless enough as it is without being abandoned. He's my Dad, and always will be, and I'll be visiting him until the end, however hard it may be. I would like to remeber him the way he was, but I still can, even though I've seen him deteriorate I still have those wonderful memories.

    I wrote to Dad's old work 'friends' a few years ago, asking for some contributions to a scrapbook of memories, where they could write about some things he had done during his many years at the office. No one bothered.

    They obviously aren't the important poeple though.

    Take care, love Kate x.
     

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