Nasty hurtful comments to sister (carer)

[CharlotteScr]

My Mum has Alzheimers and has lost quite a bit of her cognitive ability (ST memory, ability to follow a conversation, has some delusions, lost inhibitions). What i would really value advice on is how to discourage her making nasty hurtful comments to family members. She directs these mainly at my sister, who is really her main carer, but also at my children and my nieces and nephews. She will say that my sister is acquisitive/ loud/ bossy/ domineering etc, and calls my niece and daughter fat (they are not but both are self-conscious), calls my nephew a horrible little boy etc etc. I have stopped taking my daughter with me to visit her as a result and i think it has destroyed my childrens' and my nieces and nephews relationship with her.

I feel sure that this is due to her Alzheimers as my Mum was a kind person; perhaps it is a desire to assert control or maybe even jealousy of my and my sisters' attention to our kids. I worry for my sister in particular as the abuse is frequent. Is there anything anyone would suggest as a way to discourage this kind of behaviour? We can always distract her away from it/ get her to talk about something else, but by then of course the damage has been done

 

[CAL Y]

@CharlotteScr . I’m very sorry for your situation but, unfortunately I’m afraid that there is little to be done about the way your mum is behaving.
It is a common symptom of dementia which we have all had to learn to live with.
It is very difficult not to feel hurt by her words but please be assured that if she was really aware of what she says I’m sure she would be mortified.

Hard as it is please try not to read anymore into it.
It is the disease not your mum.
Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @CharlotteScr

Welcome to DTP.

I remember my dad being like this with my daughter calling her fat (5'7" size 8) and stupid (studying for a degree at the time). One day he was having a go at her while I was there so I told him if he didn't stop being so rude we were leaving. He didn't so we left.

I kept my daughter away from him for a while after and dad forgot all about insulting her but it was too late for their relationship. It might be wise to keep anyone who is upset by your mum's comments away from her until this phase passes.

Dad also called me bossy and mafia but I was able to shake off the insults and I'd leave if he got too bad. It's the disease but it still hurts...

 

[imthedaughter]

I'd love to know why this happens - is it unimpeded thoughts they secretly had (I hope not, if so a lot of them need their eyes tested!) , or is it lashing out with a feeling something not quite right?

Either way I'm afraid this is common. It means friends and family disappear - you don't hang around when you feel unwanted. My dad was nasty to my brother and my brother can't separate it from the disease and therefore hasn't seen him in years. Of course he's been nasty to me in the past but I, as the only daughter, must rise above. But I do not wonder why my dad has no friends. He - or dementia - pushed them away long ago.

 

[canary]

Im sure its because they feel that Something is not right, but they have lost the insight to understand that this Something is actually them. They dont think that there is anything wrong with them, or dont realise the extent of their problems, so when things go wrong, it cant be them and it must be the people around them - in particular their main carer. Its not them who is moving things around, making muddles or burning stuff, so it must be the carer. The carer is the one who is blaming them, telling them that they shouldnt do things, that they are confused and is bossing them around as if they are helpless (which they know they are not), so the carer must be wicked, or trying to take them over, or the daughter from hell............

Not easy to deal with

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

My OH frequently when he was in what I called his dementia “trance”, would tell us to F off, and he said that to my 3 yr old granddaughter. Sometimes In the early stages of the disease, if I told him what he said, he was horrified, and he would be now, but he is beyond the point.

 

[CharlotteScr]

Thank you all so so much for your comments. I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear your experiences, although i admit i am in tears as well. But your thoughts on what might be going on for my Mum are really helpful and I will share them with my sister, who honestly really deserves a sainthood (yes lots of guilt from me that i cannot be there more often And also good to know that there is no point trying to 'correct' this- we will just have to live wthrough it, as you have all done.

I really resent the media portayals of sweet old ladies gently reverting to childhood- we have had some of that of course with Mum, which I must try to hang on to- but in reality the truth is brutal

 

[canary]

I really resent the media portayals of sweet old ladies gently reverting to childhood- we have had some of that of course with Mum, which I must try to hang on to- but in reality the truth is brutal

We all resent that. Its simply not accurate.

 

[Snuffette]

I agree with everyone on this post - my mum now swears at me and those around her, which she never used to do pre-dementia. I also agree that the portrayal of little sweet ladies and men regressing into childhood is so inaccurate and really doesn't prepare the family/and or carers for the true journey that is dementia.

 

[CharlotteScr]

I agree with everyone on this post - my mum now swears at me and those around her, which she never used to do pre-dementia. I also agree that the portrayal of little sweet ladies and men regressing into childhood is so inaccurate and really doesn't prepare the family/and or carers for the true journey that is dementia.

Yes- and you frequently get the comment 'it's like all their filters have been removed' - ie thats what they were always thinking, they just didn't use to say it. Total rubbish and really unhelpful

 

[angela carer]

My Mum has Alzheimers and has lost quite a bit of her cognitive ability (ST memory, ability to follow a conversation, has some delusions, lost inhibitions). What i would really value advice on is how to discourage her making nasty hurtful comments to family members. She directs these mainly at my sister, who is really her main carer, but also at my children and my nieces and nephews. She will say that my sister is acquisitive/ loud/ bossy/ domineering etc, and calls my niece and daughter fat (they are not but both are self-conscious), calls my nephew a horrible little boy etc etc. I have stopped taking my daughter with me to visit her as a result and i think it has destroyed my childrens' and my nieces and nephews relationship with her.

I feel sure that this is due to her Alzheimers as my Mum was a kind person; perhaps it is a desire to assert control or maybe even jealousy of my and my sisters' attention to our kids. I worry for my sister in particular as the abuse is frequent. Is there anything anyone would suggest as a way to discourage this kind of behaviour? We can always distract her away from it/ get her to talk about something else, but by then of course the damage has been done

Sorry to hear you're going through this.
I try to keep telling myself that it's not her, but the illness.
I'm in similar position and am wondering how I should deal with / reply to nasty comments.
In my case the insults are fueled by a sibling feeding lies for their own ends.
Family members and visitors say nothing, thereby condoning the behavior.

 

[Kath610]

I agree, it can be so difficult not to take insults personally - as advised on this website and quite rightly. I tell myself it’s the dementia but there have been times when I have broken all the rules and blasted back at my husband when he starts blaming me for mistakes which he has made.
Every day I ask for strength and patience but it doesn’t always happen!
I tell everyone we come into contact with that my husband has Alzheimer’s - don’t shout it out but just mention quietly that if he says or does anything strange, this is why. I find this helps them, him and me.

 

[Muttimuggle]

I just have to write to say that you sound to be such a lovely sister....who supports and cares for a sister who is the main carer. I wish I had a sibling like that. Your relationship sounds precious. I am the main carer too and I have a brother who makes matters worse for me and ultimately for my mother....and she can give out some hurtful comments too. Yes, it is hard not to feel hurt.

 

[Cat27]

Sorry to hear you're going through this.
I try to keep telling myself that it's not her, but the illness.
I'm in similar position and am wondering how I should deal with / reply to nasty comments.
In my case the insults are fueled by a sibling feeding lies for their own ends.
Family members and visitors say nothing, thereby condoning the behavior.

Welcome to TP @angela carer

 

[imthedaughter]

I agree with everyone on this post - my mum now swears at me and those around her, which she never used to do pre-dementia. I also agree that the portrayal of little sweet ladies and men regressing into childhood is so inaccurate and really doesn't prepare the family/and or carers for the true journey that is dementia.

I hate this and I'm sorry to say the dementia charities encourage this view, presumably as the realities of someone with dementia wouldn't garner donations. Imagine an advert where some carer is sworn at at swatted at by an elderly person, cleans up urine, changes sheets in the middle of the night, finds their loved one on the floor and can't lift them, or the pwd is seen throwing things around or swearing at their grandchild... they must have researched this but I'm not surprised people think all pwd are compliant and sweet and just want a war time sing song and a doll to cuddle. My dad has his moments but is generally calm these days but he's just talking in great detail about this that don't exist or situations which only live in his mind. It's not cute and it's not that he's got some secret insight, it's delusion.

Talking of war time sing songs what happens when those of us who grew up in the 90s have dementia? It'll all be like oh they love their Spice Girls music...

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

My Mum has Alzheimers and has lost quite a bit of her cognitive ability (ST memory, ability to follow a conversation, has some delusions, lost inhibitions). What i would really value advice on is how to discourage her making nasty hurtful comments to family members. She directs these mainly at my sister, who is really her main carer, but also at my children and my nieces and nephews. She will say that my sister is acquisitive/ loud/ bossy/ domineering etc, and calls my niece and daughter fat (they are not but both are self-conscious), calls my nephew a horrible little boy etc etc. I have stopped taking my daughter with me to visit her as a result and i think it has destroyed my childrens' and my nieces and nephews relationship with her.

I feel sure that this is due to her Alzheimers as my Mum was a kind person; perhaps it is a desire to assert control or maybe even jealousy of my and my sisters' attention to our kids. I worry for my sister in particular as the abuse is frequent. Is there anything anyone would suggest as a way to discourage this kind of behaviour? We can always distract her away from it/ get her to talk about something else, but by then of course the damage has been done

Well, you can't change your mum I'm afraid. You seem really supportive of your sister (believe me, that's actually quite rare and wonderful in these situations!) and I think that's the way to go with this. It's often the main carer who gets the brunt of things - they are nearest so anger gets directed at them. Whatever support you can give your sister, particularly some extra help for her, maybe a 'befriender' to sit with your mum so your sister can get out and have some time off - that would help.

My mother said some really awful (sometimes criminal!) things about various family members and it's hard not to take it personally. It all finally clicked into place for me when she made similar criticisms or accusations about some of her children who didn't actually exist... After that I was able to kind of rise above it. Mum was equally horrible to anyone who was fat, non-white, tattooed, looked (to her) like they were on benefits or who she considered beneath her or 'just plain stupid'. It wasn't easy... but then, it never is.

You don't say how old your children are but kids can't really understand that 'it's not your grandma saying these things, it's the disease...' It can be enormously hurtful and traumatic for them so I'd say keep them away. You and your sister are stuck with the situation but your kids don't have to suffer too.