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Nasty hurtful comments to sister (carer)

CharlotteScr

New member
Dec 1, 2021
4
0
My Mum has Alzheimers and has lost quite a bit of her cognitive ability (ST memory, ability to follow a conversation, has some delusions, lost inhibitions). What i would really value advice on is how to discourage her making nasty hurtful comments to family members. She directs these mainly at my sister, who is really her main carer, but also at my children and my nieces and nephews. She will say that my sister is acquisitive/ loud/ bossy/ domineering etc, and calls my niece and daughter fat (they are not but both are self-conscious), calls my nephew a horrible little boy etc etc. I have stopped taking my daughter with me to visit her as a result and i think it has destroyed my childrens' and my nieces and nephews relationship with her.

I feel sure that this is due to her Alzheimers as my Mum was a kind person; perhaps it is a desire to assert control or maybe even jealousy of my and my sisters' attention to our kids. I worry for my sister in particular as the abuse is frequent. Is there anything anyone would suggest as a way to discourage this kind of behaviour? We can always distract her away from it/ get her to talk about something else, but by then of course the damage has been done
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
171
0
@CharlotteScr . I’m very sorry for your situation but, unfortunately I’m afraid that there is little to be done about the way your mum is behaving.
It is a common symptom of dementia which we have all had to learn to live with.
It is very difficult not to feel hurt by her words but please be assured that if she was really aware of what she says I’m sure she would be mortified.

Hard as it is please try not to read anymore into it.
It is the disease not your mum.
Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,056
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @CharlotteScr

Welcome to DTP.

I remember my dad being like this with my daughter calling her fat (5'7" size 8) and stupid (studying for a degree at the time). One day he was having a go at her while I was there so I told him if he didn't stop being so rude we were leaving. He didn't so we left.

I kept my daughter away from him for a while after and dad forgot all about insulting her but it was too late for their relationship. It might be wise to keep anyone who is upset by your mum's comments away from her until this phase passes.

Dad also called me bossy and mafia but I was able to shake off the insults and I'd leave if he got too bad. It's the disease but it still hurts...
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
705
0
I'd love to know why this happens - is it unimpeded thoughts they secretly had (I hope not, if so a lot of them need their eyes tested!) , or is it lashing out with a feeling something not quite right?

Either way I'm afraid this is common. It means friends and family disappear - you don't hang around when you feel unwanted. My dad was nasty to my brother and my brother can't separate it from the disease and therefore hasn't seen him in years. Of course he's been nasty to me in the past but I, as the only daughter, must rise above. But I do not wonder why my dad has no friends. He - or dementia - pushed them away long ago.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,748
0
South coast
Im sure its because they feel that Something is not right, but they have lost the insight to understand that this Something is actually them. They dont think that there is anything wrong with them, or dont realise the extent of their problems, so when things go wrong, it cant be them and it must be the people around them - in particular their main carer. Its not them who is moving things around, making muddles or burning stuff, so it must be the carer. The carer is the one who is blaming them, telling them that they shouldnt do things, that they are confused and is bossing them around as if they are helpless (which they know they are not), so the carer must be wicked, or trying to take them over, or the daughter from hell............

Not easy to deal with
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
562
0
My OH frequently when he was in what I called his dementia “trance”, would tell us to F off, and he said that to my 3 yr old granddaughter. Sometimes In the early stages of the disease, if I told him what he said, he was horrified, and he would be now, but he is beyond the point.
 

CharlotteScr

New member
Dec 1, 2021
4
0
Thank you all so so much for your comments. I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear your experiences, although i admit i am in tears as well. But your thoughts on what might be going on for my Mum are really helpful and I will share them with my sister, who honestly really deserves a sainthood (yes lots of guilt from me that i cannot be there more often :( And also good to know that there is no point trying to 'correct' this- we will just have to live wthrough it, as you have all done.

I really resent the media portayals of sweet old ladies gently reverting to childhood- we have had some of that of course with Mum, which I must try to hang on to- but in reality the truth is brutal
 

Snuffette

Registered User
Jan 11, 2021
92
0
I agree with everyone on this post - my mum now swears at me and those around her, which she never used to do pre-dementia. I also agree that the portrayal of little sweet ladies and men regressing into childhood is so inaccurate and really doesn't prepare the family/and or carers for the true journey that is dementia.
 

CharlotteScr

New member
Dec 1, 2021
4
0
I agree with everyone on this post - my mum now swears at me and those around her, which she never used to do pre-dementia. I also agree that the portrayal of little sweet ladies and men regressing into childhood is so inaccurate and really doesn't prepare the family/and or carers for the true journey that is dementia.
Yes- and you frequently get the comment 'it's like all their filters have been removed' - ie thats what they were always thinking, they just didn't use to say it. Total rubbish and really unhelpful