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Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by martin77, Jul 20, 2006.
Oh yes Martin, it certainly is. AD/Dementia is so frightening to the person who suffers, it seems their only form of defence is to attack.
My husband has just stormed out of the house after 6 days of relative peace, because he said I was ignoring him. He didn`t tell me where he was going or how long he`d be. he didn`t even say `Goodbye` I am too drained to get on with anything worthwhile, so I`ll just sit here waiting for him to return. He may be out for hours, and I`ll not know whether he is living or dead.
When, and if , he does come home, his mood may have changed completely, and, if that is so, and he has forgotten what happened, I will be expected to accept the change, and be `happy` again. There is no room for discussion, no apologies, and no time to allow Me to adjust.
From what I`ve read and from what I`ve heard agression is part and parcel of the condition. However much I tell myself it`s not him, it`s the illness, It doesn`t make it easier to put up with. It hurts so much to be verbally abused by someone you have shared a life with. It`s as if it was all for nothing.
Sorry to burden you with my troubles, Martin. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all AD sufferers appreciative of their carers, but sadly, it`s not like that.
Try to be strong. Grannie G
Thanks for your comments, and no need to be sorry Granny G.....I don't know anyone or anywhere to find people who may have an understanding of the situation other than this board.
iIs really my wife (We live with her Mum who is not so well) who bears the brunt of constant accusations, aggression and suspicicon. Like you say as much as we say it's the illness it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Problem is we've been trying to work out this behaviour for a while as have only had a recent diagnosis of dementia (though the symptoms have been there a while) and have often ended up wondering if it's us that are doing things wrong, so we get angry, frustrated, guilty etc etc whilst having to be caring. Also, her Mum doesn't have many good moods so it's quite constant the way she is.....not many glimmers of light.
TBH I try to be quiet round the house so as to not upset her Mum's routines but it's been really tough for my wife who has been very caring yet has been blamed for a lot of things....and not the best for our own lives, though may sound selfish.
You are not alone in that I suppose everyone on here has their troubles in their own way. Will try and keep a perspective on the situation and keep strong but we worry as to what the future holds. Take care.
You are most definitely not alone in experieng this nasty , agrressive , accusatory,suspicous behaviour
If I lived with my Mother my husband would have walked out long since (he refuses to even come with me on the long trip to see her ) every visit lands up in a blazing row
Hiya Grannie G,
Just wanted to send a <<hug>>. Make yourself a cuppa; hope your husband returns before you get to worrying pitch, and that he is in a sweeter mood.
My husband came home at 1.45pm. He`d been out over 2 hours, walking in a
29C sun. He`d had no drink and arrived home hot, bothered and confused, but totally unaware of what took him out in the first place.
Once he`d calmed down, had a long drink of water and his face wiped with a cold face cloth, offered to make me a cup of tea! He`s still low but at least he`s safe.
It's horrible, isn't it? My husband has always been the most equable of people, if anything too unwilling to discuss anything that could lead to a row or face up to a problem, but now he has Vascular dementia will argue that black is white, and tell preposterous stories, often prefixed by 'I read in the papers' followed by complete fabrications.
He this very day told someone who lives in Wimbledon that he read in the papers that they were going to stop people going running on Wimbledon Common. He tells Australians all about how there is nothing there if you go to Northern Australia (he went once, over 30 years ago), and tells anyone who will listen about a nasty man who is going to buy up our house and build on it. Strangely, no one else has ever met Mr Nasty, despite the fact that husband claims he 'keeps coming back.
Think best way to handle it is just to remove yourself - suddenly remember something in the oven, clothes to come in from the line, urgent e mail etc.
Hi Martin, I think Grannie G is spot on. This is not an attack against their carer(s) - just how the frustration of the sufferer is vented - we happen to be closest - and maybe that old adage 'we always hurt the ones we love' rings true here.
Your wife's a lucky lady to have you acknowledge and support what she is going through when you are going through what you are yourself. I think we have to remember that carers need their own carers too!
Well done, keep posting and please don't feel alone - there are lots of lovely people here to share the highs as well as the lowest of lows,
Love, Karen(TF), x
We're getting to the point with Grandad now that he is getting very aggressive with Nan. She thought he was going to hit her yesterday!
It does seem that they take it out on the people closest to you. He is very disrespectful to Nan but is more accepting and calmer to the rest of the family.
I think you just have to try not to take it to heart. We're obviously worried about the violent behaviour but have told Nan to ignore his rants and just pretend in her head that he is a 3 year old having a tantrum!
Along with the paranoia the bad tempered outburst towards my mum by my dad is very hard to accept as it is alien to his character. He also threated to kill me yesterday in one of his not being able to recognise me phases and I was worried he might have a go at my husband as he said he looked like charles manson with his beard. When I call him dad he looks at me oddly, i am still a little girl in his eyes, not the grown woman that I am. My mum is his mum to him (confused, you will be!) Dragging his memory and mind back to the present and not his past or some fantasy land is difficult. Then his cpn can visit and he will be charming. It's so hard to take. A.
My mum used to have really bad moods especially with poor dad who was really ill with cancer. He had to have a nebuliser on a night to help him breath, and she would disoconnect it as 'it was making too much noise' - she wouldn't make his meals and just couldn't comprehend that he could barely walk.
This was all in the early stages of AD - I've not seen her like that for a while now, but I know that the home have had problems with her when she has insisted that she is going home. She was even verbaly abusive to them the other week, and in all my years, I have NEVER heard my mum swear.
Same here, never heard mum and dad swear above a d**n, now dad swears at people and mum repeats it back to me what he has said.