1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    136
    n ireland
    Hi everybody, my mum has been in a care home for 8 weeks now. Thought she was settling in a bit but the past few visits have been awful. She is nasty and ignorant to me. Tells anyone who will listen what a bad daughter I am, how I never vist and that she doesn't like me and she hates me. I know its not really her talking but it still upsets me.:( I actually dread going to the home now. The staff says she's fine with them and that she just plays me up. I know I should know better but sometimes it just gets to me.

    Anybody else have this happen?
     
  2. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,563
    Scotland
    We share a house with my mum and if something upsets her she gets exactly like this(several times a day), it hurts and I try to tell myself it is frustration & the dementia talking but I am not always successful. It is only me that she is aggressive with unless my OH makes the mistake of getting involved and then he gets a mouthful too.
     
  3. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    103
    Yorkshire
    Hi,

    yeah I have been having a bit of the same problem, I've never been close to my Mam and now her key worker is her daughter so after all these years and everything I do and will be doing its made me feel depressed and exactly like you dread going. I think with all the emotions you are dealing with at the moment it's another thing to deal with.

    You will know your true Mum though.

    X
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,393
    Female
    South coast
    Mum went through a phase of being really nasty and, as you say, its always their nearest and dearest that gets it.
    Fortunately this phase has passed now and although we still get a bit of it, she is much better and its nice to visit her again - even though she doeant know who I am now!
     
  5. sonia owen

    sonia owen Registered User

    Know how you all feel

    Hi All,
    I am so glad its not just me that has nasty times. I had to deal with one last Friday. I had a visit from an OT who came to give us some advice on keeping Mum safe in her home after the fall she had the other month. The OT suggested when she had gone moving a rug. That did it she went mad at me. Comments like why don't I get rid of everything!!! No to any forms of walking aids to help. I had done nothing but argue caused trouble as soon as I stepped through the door. It ok saying let these moments over your head, its still very upsetting even if its not their faults and they don't mean any of it. They don't remember it, but it always takes me time to get over it.
    Love Sonia xxxx
     
  6. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    My mum used to say awful things to me and when we had visitors and I was out of the room she would accuse me of all kinds of things, then I'd walk back in to the room and immediately she would smile at me and tell our visitors what a wonderful daughter I am! Not really happening so much now, but every now and then I do over hear her saying stuff to her little dog about me and I have to say this is funny because the dog just sits there looking at her!
     
  7. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    I just loved that bit about the dog tin! Bless them they soak it all up and at least that's one person who won't be influenced
     
  8. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Sadly it'll take a long time for me to forget the nasty, vicious comments my mam made to me when she was going through this phase. She absolutely hated me even though she didn't know who I was. It was very hard to love her or have any sympathy for her during this time.

    The thing that sustained me was thinking just how horrified she would be if she realised how she was treating me.

    With the help of a very low dose of antipsychotics, this phase is over, thankfully, apart from a very occasional outburst. My mam still doesn't know who I am, but she calls me pet most of the time now and although I can't say that she's loving towards me, she looks at me more kindly these days and is usually fairly happy with my company.

    I hope you get through this awful time, shark2, as it was one of the worst things to deal with, for me.
     
  9. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    I too had 3 years of being told what a bad daughter i was. I visited her every day, cleaned, cooked, shopped and paid bills etc. I was worn out by it all. My sister was entirely cut off by my mother during that period. She usually managed to be sweet as sugar for strangers but eventually the doctor and social workers got it too as did the carers. That phase seems to have past now but i am still recovering mentally from all of this. It has totally fractured my family. Keep strong and i hope it also passes for you. Love quilty
     
  10. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    4,014
    Essex
    Yes Shark2, my mum blamed me for everything that she didn't like about her life. Obviously, it was all my fault.

    When living alone became impossible for her, well, if I wasn't so selfish spending all my time with them ( OH, children & grandchildren) I would move in with her & look after her.

    When she went into the CH it was me who " Signed the papers that put her away!!

    It's eased a lot now, although, to be honest, she's more pleased to see my OH than me, but that's how it's always been :rolleyes:

    Chin up Chick :)

    Lin x
     
  11. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    136
    n ireland
    Thanks everybody for your kind replies. I looked after my mother for years, saw her everyday, brought her to my house each day for dinner, me and my 2 sons took turns to stay overnight with her because she was scared on her own, etc, etc. Then a fall in December changed all this and social services said it was too unsafe for her to go home. This is how she is in the care home. She says she likes it and the girls are all lovely.

    She was always demanding and had to get her own way so I understand that she is frustrated. But honestly, I had to sit there listening to her bad mouth me to other visitors, my aunt, the staff and residents. Trying to pretend it didn't hurt my feelings.:(
    A couple of the wee ladies there even told me not to visit her again!
    Cried all the ay home.:(
     
  12. dottyd

    dottyd Registered User

    Jan 22, 2011
    1,066
    n.e.
    So sorry to hear this.

    I think you were the lady if I remember rightly took her mum to Orlando last summer.

    Gosh things have deterioriated rapidly. Haven't they.

    You know you've done all you can. Time to let the professionals ate over her care.
     
  13. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    It's a horrible phase, I'm still going through it - my Mum has accused me of basically everything and has called me everything under the sun - sometimes now, when she starts talking I feel sick to my stomach, but I know this isn't my Mum, we have always had a really close relationship.

    AZ just stinks
     
  14. mclyc

    mclyc Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    6
    spiteful mother in law

    I feel for you all. I made the mistake of moving in with my boyfriend and his mum before she was diagnosed with dementia. She has always made it clear that she knows him better than I do, used things I confided in her against me. Everything I have done for her she has thrown back in my face. Tried to learn to love her even care for her but for a long time have feelings of hatred and eveven wish she was dead. She always talks over us so I walk away. I feel the decision to get married was a bad one. My husband and I are always arguing about it. I don't want anything to do with m-i-l and would be happy to eat in our room and not be near her. This isn't a place for refuge either, even though we have put a lock on the door to stop her coming in, she still tries to. My husband forgets to lock it so I cannot totally relax. Feel totally overwhelmed with it all. My husband knows how I feel but he says I hate the situation not the person as I am not a hurtful person. We had to move out for 6 months to get our marriage back on track but can't afford it as a long term solution. Also have in laws 'giving advice' and questioning what I do/don't do.
     
  15. nitalk

    nitalk Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    4
    Sounds familiar!

    I am currently going through a phase with my mother, who is a dementia sufferer, where she is nasty to me whether I am quiet or attempt conversation. I have attempted to accept blame, even when there is nothing to be blamed for; tried to reassure her in the wake of her greatest fear - that she will be put into a home; and tried to balance my life by visiting her twice every day and seeing my lovely girlfriend in the evening, as my mother is now consumed with jealousy if I spend any time with her.

    My mother has been very generous to me during a sustained period of unemployment, but now seems constantly to use this as a sword of Damocles. She persists in telling me how bombastic and nasty I've become, to the extent that I constantly fall into the trap of arguing with her all the time. I am now overcome with guilt and am at my wits' end.
     
  16. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    Nitalk,
    Motivation by guilt is terrible. Maybe you need to cut down the visits with mom and spend more time with the person that makes you happy! You cannot make promises to mom about her future whether she will end up in a NH or not. You need to think about yourself and please, please stop arguing with her. If she is being nasty, you have the option to walk away.

    Carole
     
  17. nitalk

    nitalk Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    4
    Carole, I know EVERYTHING you say makes sense. I know my temperament tends to exacerbate the problem, but I am trying, trying, trying to swim clear of the bait.
     
  18. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,852
    Suffolk
    Even though OH is in a home, I still cop a lot of nastiness cos he knows I was the person who organized it. At least I can now walk away!
     
  19. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Nitalk, welcome to TP. I hope you find good advice and support here; there is plenty of both.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation with your mother. I found it reassuring to learn that I am not the only person here, who has a mother who is/was nasty and unpleasant in the past. Of course dementia is difficult enough to deal with, without the baggage from the pre-dementia relationship making it worse.

    I don't care what your mother did or did not do for you in the past, you have a right to your own life and your own happiness. My unsolicited advice for you is absolutely to cut down on the visits for now, both the frequency and duration. At the first sign of nasty behaviour, I would be out of there like a shot. I always remember something my aunt told me, about daily visits to her own mother (not dementia but just unpleasant) in the CH: that when her mother would turn nasty, she would calmly say something like, "I can see you're not up for visitors just now. I'll come back when you are feeling better," and then my aunt would leave, and not visit again that day or the next. It didn't take long before my grandmother began to behave herself!

    While I'm not suggesting that behavioural conditioning will be effective with someone with dementia, it does work both ways: if you can condition yourself to remove yourself when things get ugly, then you have still made the effort to visit but you are sparing yourself the worst of the comments. I find that those comments, as trifling as they may seem in the grand scale of things, are really, really challenging to deal with (both in the immediate moment, and afterwards). I frankly prefer to avoid them, and who wouldn't?

    I suggest you simply leave when things turn ugly, and even if they do not, keep your visits shorter. Other strategies include not visiting alone (my mother is much nicer if my husband is there, as she likes him), having something ready for distraction, such as suggesting a cup of tea or a change of scenery, and having an exit strategy ready, if that helps you. I also make a lot of trips to the toilet because just absenting myself for a minute or two can help me to calm down, and sometimes I don't have to go, but just washing my hands or texting a friend or surfing the Internet for 2 minutes is a good distraction. Usually when I return, my mother has lost the thread of the conversation. Plus, she can't remember that I just went to the toilet, so I don't get snarky comments on that, thank goodness!

    So I would say that for now, don't visit twice a day, and don't even visit every day. You need to have days that are free of visiting. I hope you will at least consider this option.

    Guilt can be paralysing and terrible. Many on here speak of the "guilt monster" and we all struggle with it, to varying degrees, at different times. It's easy to say, but challenging to do: don't let the guilt consume you. You are not a bad person. This is not your fault. Dementia is the enemy. This is the fault of the dementia, not you.

    Best wishes to you, nitalk.
     
  20. avian999

    avian999 Registered User

    Oct 24, 2011
    10
    Cardigan Wales
    It Hurts

    My husband used to be the same with me....Always telling me to go , that I was no use. Nothing in the house was mine because I'd never done anything in the 40 years that we have been together.
    He is now on medication and it has stabilised things..
    We still have out bursts occasionally and it still hurts after the 7 years thats it's been going on..
     

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