Nan

[lissaa75]

Hi

I apologise now, there must be umpteen threads with the same or similar.

I found out today that my nan is deteriorating - she has not been diagnosed. She has 3 son's who care a great and still lives with my grandad, who is not at his best either and has had quite a few heart problems over the last couple of years.

Last week my uncle dropped nan in to Asda and said he would return for her, when he did, she was still walking around 1 hour later with an empty trolley. I know they are not cooking meals and refuse any help. My dad and uncles have mentioned before that they do not want them in a home. He says that they need to keep their money!

Their house is a mess and communicating with them is very hard. 5 minutes after talking about something she will forget.

I would love to take my son, who is 5, to see them more but I feel it is not right for him.

The first problem is getting my nan to the doctors - she won't want to go. The second is getting my family to accept that they need to think about my nan and grandad's welfare and not about themselves.

Any support, own experiences or advice would be much appreciated.

 

[christine_batch]

Dear lissa,
Welcome to Talking Point.
Have I read it correctly that your Uncles all live with your Nan and Grandad?
Your mention of money and forgive me if I have got it wrong, that although you a very concerned, that the Uncles are quite happy as things are and do not want to alter things.
If I have read your message wrong I do apologise.
More people will come on line and give help.
Best wishes
Christine

 

[Skye]

Hi Lissa, welcome to TP.

I'm a little confused too as to how many people are living in that house. Could you perhaps clarify that for us?

It does sound as if your Nan heeds more support then she is getting. Could you perhaps persuade your uncles that she wouldn't necessarily have to go into a home? That if she is properly assessed, they could have help going in, which would make things easier.

I imagine their worries are that they think if your grandparents go into care, the house would have to be sold to fund it, and they would be homeless? (I'm just guessing her!)

That may not be the case, and it is something else that they should investigate. They could ring the AS helpline

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200273

Or Citizens Advice Bureau would help.

I hope you can get something sorted out, it does sound as if your Nan is not being cared for properly.

Good luck,

 

[Amy]

Hiya Lisa,

I would love to take my son, who is 5, to see them more but I feel it is not right for him

Why isnt it right? They are his great grandparents, they are elderly...sometimes older people say and do funny things, especially when they have a poorly brain...just explain to your son...kids adapt...kids love people for who they are. If you make the visits fun....positive....they will be ok...and maybe your nan will enjoy the company of your son. Remember taking my mum and 3 year old to a cafe, sitting them both at a table...and saying to my three year old 'If nana gets up to go for a walk, shout for mummy'.

Love Helen

 

[lissaa75]

Sorry for any confusion - My nan and grandad live together. my uncles live in their own homes with their own families. If they sell their house and move somewhere warden assisted then at least they will be able to keep their money or spend it how they so wish and do not have to leave it in their will to those do not need it! They are also not prepared to help out as much as is required, therefore, I feel that a move would be prudent for them both.

As for my son, I do not feel it necessary for my 5 year old to sit and listen to my nan, as per the last visit, having a go at my grandad for not knowing why we were there! Perhas a visit out would be more suitable.

It is such a tricky position to be in - I dont want to interferre with my uncles but if they don't do something now I am sure my nan will miss out on any help available, and my grandad, come to that. Why cant we help make the last years good or at least of a better standard?

 

[Skye]

Hi Lissa

Thanks for clearing that up.

I'm not sure that warden-controlled living would be the right way to go. If your nan has dementia, she's going to need more help in the future, and it doesn't sound as if your grandad can cope.

The warden is only there as a sort of caretaker, and for security. He/she wouldn't play any part in caring for them. In fact, you may heave difficulty getting them accepted for that sort of accommodation.

If they did move, they wouldn't be able to manage for long, so there would have to be another move later, into residential care.

What I think you should be doing is getting a diagnosis for your nan, and then getting social services involved. They could have a lot of help in their own home, though you may have to accept that residential care will be inevitable eventually.

 

[lissaa75]

Thanks Skye - just the guidance I need. Think I may start the ball rolling if uncles don't.