Nan with dementia

[HollyHW]

Hi all,
Last year my Nan was diagnosed with dementia and has got a lot worse very quickly.
She’s currently in end of life care, isn’t eating, is only drinking tiny amounts. We were told to come and say our goodbyes last week. She barely opens her eyes and doesn’t give any eye contact any more.

The strong old bird she is, she’s still with us, although she isn’t the same any more. Although this sounds selfish, how much longer do you think she has? The nurses can’t give us any figures but people’s past experience could help.

I just want her to be at peace now, she isn’t the same any more. She deserves to go onto whatever is next. I’m sure it sounds selfish and I never thought I’d think like this about my favourite person in the world.

Sorry for rambling - H x

 

[canary]

Hello @HollyHW - welcome to talking Point, although I am sorry it is such a sad time.

End of Life is an emotionally tough time. The waiting seems unbearable, yet you cant bear it when they are gone, so it feels like you are living in a twilit limboland.

Unfortunately its not possible to say exactly how long they will be in this state. Some people are only a couple of days; my mum went 17 days with no food or fluid whatsoever. Sometimes, against all the odds, people with dementia at this stage suddenly rally and start eating and drinking again. It happens more often than you would expect, but not all that often.

There will be various physical changes along the way to alert you when things are getting very near the end. Her limbs will grow cold, there will be mottling of the skin and the breathing will change so that there will be gaps between the breaths. Do not be distressed by these changes, it is part of the natural path of dying. The nurses will make sure that she is kept pain free and comfortable, although there is often some agitation during this period - my mum went through a stage of trying to remove her clothing and kicking off her bedding. Eventually, though, her passing was peaceful.

During this stage she will still be able to hear, so talk to her, read to her and play her favourite music. Dont forget to eat and sleep
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Bakerst]

My Grandad was in the same position as your Nan, I went to see him, as I often did, and he seemed not too bad, he said 'here is my favourite friend' he closed his eyes and stayed that way for about 2 weeks, he actually let go on his birthday. We were with him at the end, when he slipped peacefully away.
I was devoted to him, but like you I could see the toll it was taking on my Nana and his adult children and everyone just seemed to be waiting for the end, which isn't good for anyone.
Short answer is nobody knows how long your Nan will be as she is, but at least she isn't suffering, spend as much time as you can with her and the family, as canary says, chatting talking about good times. It will be a comfort to her to hear her family there, and maybe help you all too.
Best wishes

 

[HollyHW]

Hello @HollyHW - welcome to talking Point, although I am sorry it is such a sad time.

End of Life is an emotionally tough time. The waiting seems unbearable, yet you cant bear it when they are gone, so it feels like you are living in a twilit limboland.

Unfortunately its not possible to say exactly how long they will be in this state. Some people are only a couple of days; my mum went 17 days with no food or fluid whatsoever. Sometimes, against all the odds, people with dementia at this stage suddenly rally and start eating and drinking again. It happens more often than you would expect, but not all that often.

There will be various physical changes along the way to alert you when things are getting very near the end. Her limbs will grow cold, there will be mottling of the skin and the breathing will change so that there will be gaps between the breaths. Do not be distressed by these changes, it is part of the natural path of dying. The nurses will make sure that she is kept pain free and comfortable, although there is often some agitation during this period - my mum went through a stage of trying to remove her clothing and kicking off her bedding. Eventually, though, her passing was peaceful.

During this stage she will still be able to hear, so talk to her, read to her and play her favourite music. Dont forget to eat and sleep
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words <3
It’s just so difficult x

 

[HollyHW]

My Grandad was in the same position as your Nan, I went to see him, as I often did, and he seemed not too bad, he said 'here is my favourite friend' he closed his eyes and stayed that way for about 2 weeks, he actually let go on his birthday. We were with him at the end, when he slipped peacefully away.
I was devoted to him, but like you I could see the toll it was taking on my Nana and his adult children and everyone just seemed to be waiting for the end, which isn't good for anyone.
Short answer is nobody knows how long your Nan will be as she is, but at least she isn't suffering, spend as much time as you can with her and the family, as canary says, chatting talking about good times. It will be a comfort to her to hear her family there, and maybe help you all too.
Best wishes

Thank you so much… I keep fooling myself she knows who I am but maybe she does!! X

 

[canary]

I keep fooling myself she knows who I am but maybe she does!!

She might do - my mum knew me right up to the end
xx

 

[Bakerst]

She will know your voice and that you are someone who loves her, as my Grandad did ?

 

[HollyHW]

She might do - my mum knew me right up to the end
xx

You’ve made me feel so much better, thank you x

 

[HollyHW]

She will know your voice and that you are someone who loves her, as my Grandad did ?

That is so lovely xx

 

[imthedaughter]

My nan was on EOL for a week. My mum is a complete deathophobe when it comes to humans and was avoiding it all but I went and did her booking in and spoke to her Dr and let her know that she had all the drugs set up and she could go whenever she was ready. She had always been adamant she didn't want us all hanging around waiting for her to die so we'd pop in and out when we could and she slipped away in the night on the 6th day. She was sleeping a lot and was ready to go with her God. Her pastor blessed her a few days earlier, and she told me she had 'done it all'. No unfinished business, no regrets. I hope your nan slips away peacefully too. Take care and do what you can but don't worry, she knows you love her ❤️

 

[HollyHW]

Thank you ? this has really helped - we’ve said our goodbyes today as we know she wouldn’t want us to see her like this, we’ll keep popping in but like you, she doesn’t want us waiting around for her x