My wonderful Mother in law has dementia

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Karen3, Aug 27, 2015.

  1. Karen3

    Karen3 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2015
    6
    Hi everyone, thank you for letting me join you all. My beautiful and wonderful Mother in Law has dementia, My father in law is really struggling. Both my husband, Andy, my daughter Jenna and I are looking for ways to support them both. We live over a 100 miles away from them and they have no local friends or family to turn to. At this time I am not sure what type of dementia my Mother in Law has; what we are looking for are tips on how to advise my father in law on some of her behaviours. Currently my Mother in Law has been 'escaping' from the home whilst my Father in Law is asleep (usually when he takes afternoon naps). He doesn't feel comfortable taking her key away and locking her in because of her reaction when he attempts this. He is not in the best of health himself and I think he struggles with the confrontation if he tries to stop her leaving. Does anyone have a similar experiences of a sufferer 'escaping' and any tactics for dealing/preventing? Many thanks
     
  2. Julia B

    Julia B Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    80
    Welcome to the gang, local support is vital so the Alzheimers society, community nursing teams and Admiral nurses all make a good starting point - the GP will guide you too, care for vulnerable adults is the area they will start with, my MIL is a sufferer too so I wish you well, hugs x
     
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,486
    Female
    London
    Welcome to TP.

    I don't like the world "sufferer" - I believe there is a lot we can do so someone with dementia is living well with it. There are a quite a few ways to deal with wandering - one is putting a device at the door that alerts your dad or a central helpline to the fact the door has been opened - another is a tracker device that can tell where she has gone. You can try and obtain these or other gadgets through your council's telecare department.

    The other is looking into day care centres and sitting service. These are great for providing social stimulation in a safe environment, plus your dad could have his afternoon naps in peace. Get him to contact Adult Social Services and stress the fact she is a vulnerable adult at risk and they have duty of care, plus he has health problems himself. They should give her a needs assessment and him a carers assessment. It's important to describe her behaviour accurately and say what you need help with. Respite for your dad should also be looked at.

    Local charities like Alzheimer's Society, Age UK and the Carers Centre can be an invaluable source of support, both practical and emotional. They have coffee mornings, carer forums and dementia courses, can act like an advocate and help you access all the benefits they are entitled to, like Attendance Allowance, Carers Allowance and council tax benefit.

    They can also help with filling in both Power of Attorney forms. Don't delay these, they are very important.

    Lastly, here's a very good link about compassionate communication with the memory impaired: http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

    Good luck and let us know how you get on.
     
  4. Karen3

    Karen3 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2015
    6
    Many thanks for your reply, I wasn't quite sure how to describe a person with dementia so chose sufferer as opposed to patient. I don't want to label at all but wanted to be respectful. Thank you for the information and link you have kindly provided. My father and Mother in law are coming to stay with us soon and I will collate all information in the hope that we are able to share with him. Thank you again.
     
  5. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,486
    Female
    London
    It wasn't meant as criticism, just my personal opinion and some might disagree!

    I hope the info will be useful. Don't hesitate to come back if you have more questions!
     
  6. Karen3

    Karen3 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2015
    6
    Aww xx I didn't take it as a criticism honestly, am learning and just want to get it right. Thank you again. xx
     
  7. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Hiya....welcome to TP. Actually I think we all suffer when someone develops Dementia.:rolleyes::D
    Dad can quite safely lock Mum in if he's asleep in the house with her, after all most people lock their doors at nightime. I would try to " lose" her keys as quickly as possible, but also make sure she has her name and address firmly attached to her coat or purse so that she can be returned home if she gets lost.
    The LA provided my Mum with an alarm for her door which linked to a call centre. It was programmed to sound and call her through the care call box when she opened the doors in the programmed hours. They then rang me if they got no answer from her.
    Has Dad had a carers assessment or Mum a needs assessment from the Adult Care Social Workers yet? It would help to know what they can get in the way of support.
    BTW have they applied for Attendance Allowance yet, it would help to pay for a sitter?
    Good luck with this journey...keep in touch.:D
     
  8. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,665
    Salford
    Hi June, welcome to TP
    I lock the doors so my wife can't do a runner, I have to for her own safety. She no longer has the capacity to go out alone and is quite capably of being a danger to herself and others (in the sense she could walk into the road and cause an accident).
    When she starts rattling the door handles I just tell her I can't find the keys, so not only do I keep her locked in I lie to her too:eek: Does that make me a bad person? I think not, if it was a young child you wouldn't hesitate to do this for their own safety.
    The only advice I can offer your FIL is he'll need infinite patience and to avoid confrontation at all costs as it can spiral out of control so learn some "distraction techniques" for when you can see it starting to happen.
    There is a view that men in this situation i.e. a man looking after a woman have more of a struggle coping than women do looking after men so I'm sure he'll benefit from all the support you and the family can offer him.
    K
     
  9. Karen3

    Karen3 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2015
    6
    Hi thank you so much for your response. Have had several and am learning something beneficial with each one. FIL and MIL are coming to stay soon and my husband and I are grateful for any advice we can get and hope to share with FIL during the visit. I don't think FIL has had an assessment or any such thing to date, it is only very recently that he has begun reaching out for help. xxx
     
  10. Karen3

    Karen3 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2015
    6
    Hi, thank you for your response, as I have mentioned I have quite a few replies and a lot of very useful advice and tips in such a short space of time. We are all in the early stages of getting help for both Mother in Law and Father in Law and all tips etc are extremely welcome. xxx
     
  11. Karen3

    Karen3 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2015
    6
    Hi, thank you so very much for your response. Am getting lots of very useful advice and am so glad I signed up to this forum. I guess a lot of this is common sense but not always the first things that come to mind. Think we have a long road ahead, but knowing you guys are all out there is a blessing. Thank you. x
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.