1. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    When I visited my wife Margaret in her care home I left with a firm conviction that she had entered a world that I, and others, are not aware of.

    The lounge contained perhaps ten residents all bunched together, the lone figure in the right hand corner was my wife, sitting, just sitting.

    I approached, sat down and grasped her hand. She didn't turn to acknowledge my presence but slowly turned her head and in a soft gentle voice without looking at me said "Hello love!".

    The tone of her voice conveyed such feeling and understanding - on my way home I was near to tears.

    Very hard to understand but Margaret conveyed to me her understanding of the predicament we were both in. Our life together had gone and I was the one left with the memory of the richness of those thirty years. The warmth of her hand and the tone of her voice told me that Margaret now accepted this other world and an understanding of my feelings.

    Before I left I noticed her red finger nails. I'm sure she was not aware of what had been done to enliven this body, of which she wasn't aware!
  2. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    GoodnightSienna, hi and welcome
    Goodness it's heartbreaking this caring/loving business, my heart goes out to you as you visit and leave your wonderful Margaret.
    Take good care of yourself, and please stay around as we do really care how things go for both of you.
    With kind regards from Jo
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It's as if your wife has a high level of insight into where she is and why she is there. I feel for both of you.

    My husband did think he was in a convalescent home and had hopes of getting better. I'm not sure what he thinks now and coward that I am it's easier for me not to know.
  4. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    Very hard to understand but Margaret conveyed to me her understanding of the predicament we were both in.

    In a few short words you have summed up exactly mine and my husband's communication to each other. He does understand why we are in the situation we are in, that I could not cope alone with his care, and shows his love for me by understanding that. This isn't so much said in words but in gestures and meanings between us which do not need words for communication.

    The understanding between us is fleeting but it is enough.

  5. Nan2seven

    Nan2seven Registered User

    Apr 11, 2009
    I was very moved by your post this evening.
    Thinking of you and your dear Margaret,
    Love, Nan XXX
  6. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    Your post was so touching and I can imagine just how moved you were when you visited your Margaret.

    I hope that you find Talking Point a good source of support.

  7. willsar

    willsar Registered User

    Dec 27, 2010
    Dear goodnightsienna
    I feel for you, as my husband and I had one of those rare moments when that wretched void was closed. Today as I struggled with my husband, I said in desperation 'We are in a such pickle' and he chuckled in a way he used to and said in a strong voice that is seldom there 'We are aren't we'. It breaks your heart doesnt it. Take care and love and hugs, wish I could help more. XX
  8. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Somehow its easier to cope when we believe we are protecting them because they don't know whats happening. Once we know they know...... its heartbreaking and thats when the enormity of it all hits home.

    My heart goes out to you, i hope you find lots of help and support here.

    Love Alex x
  9. florence43

    florence43 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2009
    Such a moving post. It really struck a chord with me.

    The lady I have known longer than anyone else in my life looks through me when I visit her at the Nursing Home, speech gone, mobility gone, and just trying to reach her is an impossible mission. But the squeeze of my hand, by the same hand that held mine to keep me safe as a child, is confirmation enough that she is telling me what's happening.

    Strangely, I feel she "knows and accepts" more now, as she lays motionless in her bed, than the earlier days when she could still speak, walk, eat and drink. Those days we all lived in denial, but now there's no pretending.

    So, walking away in tears is something I do often, leaving "the other world" and coming back to "my world", neither of which are particularly happy places.

    But that look, those whispered words, the hand squeeze are the signals and the bond that we're facing it together, so if that's any comfort to my mum, it's a positive thing, no matter how much it breaks my heart.

    Sending lots of love and understanding,
  10. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    Thank you and what a comfort it is to know that I am in contact with people who understand my world.

    It is like one big family!
  11. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    South East Wales, UK.
    just read this posting & it brought back memories of my lovely mam & the times i visited her in the Hospital, sitting holding her hand & looking into her blue eyes, hoping & praying she could feel i was there & knew my love for her was as strong as ever, even though she could not communicate, i'm sure there were times she knew i was her daughter. My mam passed away September 2009, Mothers Day looming, tears again, miss you mam, always will xx keep posting everyone, such a good place to chat & find support. best wishes to you all xx
  12. imp

    imp Registered User

    Jun 26, 2009
    #12 imp, Apr 2, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2011
    What an evil disease this is! My dear husband of 62 years still knows that I am his wife and will occasionally take my hand but we now feel as if we are intruders in his life. His face lights up when one of the nurses enter his room and he always says 'Hello love' to them. We have now passed his first birthday away and our wedding anniversary but are now approaching my birthday. Just a few more weeks and we have passed the first year apart. I feel for everyone who is experiencing the same problem and wish you all well.
  13. Bronwen

    Bronwen Registered User

    Jan 8, 2010
    I too am in the same position as the friends here are, and who have replied to you. Its heartbreaking reading the stories, but I agree it does help knowing there are so many of us out there suffering the same devastation and lonliness.

    I keep thinking I am getting stronger and can accept the cruel blow life has dealt us, but those tears keep coming..it only takes a favourite song, or memory,and I just crumble.

    At least we can help one another and I would be lost without TP.

    Bronwen x
  14. rosaliesal

    rosaliesal Registered User

    Nov 15, 2009
    Grieving and Lauging

    Grieving for someone with Alzheimers is as natural as grieving for someone who has died because part of them has died. Grieving is natural and inevitable but whilst you are grieving the care home may be full of love, warmth and jokes giving that person far more out of life than you realize. Try to find happy moments so you can cope whilst grieving.It is so so sad. My heart goes out to you.:)
  15. muriel.elliott

    muriel.elliott Registered User

    Aug 21, 2010
    My heart really does go out to you. My Bryan has only been in a home for 2 weeks now, although he is happy and very well lokked after. H has no idea i do not think that i am his wife . I kiss him hello and goodbye and hold his hand but i do do get hardly any response.While at home now and again he did tell me he loved me, but then in the next breath would say !where is muriel!. It is such a horrible desease. Indeed we are all going thru a living bereavement.
    Love and hugs Muriel xx:confused:
  16. Greensleeves

    Greensleeves Registered User

    Mar 30, 2011
    Mid Wales
    Oh dear, reading your posts has brought the tears again. People seem to think that my life is 'okay' now my husband is in a home, but that is far from true: every day I feel his loss and every day I still feel as though I have failed him, even though I know I could not cope with his deteriorating condition any longer.

    When I go to see him, there are some rare times when it is almost as though a curtain has been drawn back between here and Heaven, and there is the spark of the person I loved so much still with me. On those days he will take my hand and say something like "I do understand". On other days he is more interested in the controls of his reclining chair.....:rolleyes:
  17. earth angel

    earth angel Registered User

    Apr 29, 2010
    walkden manchester

    as i read your note i felt deep compassion for you, i really do believe its alot harder for those left without their partner as is your case,well the partner you once knew , but remember the love you have for each other will always be there those treasured memories no one can take them away from you, god bless you both
  18. ehhgjl

    ehhgjl Registered User

    Nov 12, 2010
    Hi,Im so sorry for you and your wife but how nice that she managed to say "Hello Love"...My dear Dad was in a very wonderful care home for three years and although there were times of darkness for us, we treasured the moments when he recognised us, tried to talk to us,and laughed with us and at us!!...quite often all in the right places.

    Its such a cruel disease which tares at our hearts, but i did find talking to others on this site helpful.

    Best wishes to you both....
  19. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    I am convinced that I am on a learning experience ¬ nothing in this world is

    Norting in life is without meaning.This indicates to me that coping with my previous
    wife's cancer and death and the conviction that there was a presence
    guiding me is now becoming more real,Murial everything has a purpose ONLY BELIEVE each day contains a message if you look for it Goodnight Muriel before you go to sleep just say Embrace Me believe me he will
    Love john x

  20. xanadu777

    xanadu777 Registered User

    Apr 2, 2011
    The sadness is never ending and neither is the grieving. My wife lives in what I call her parallel universe. There is still a small but diminishing place for me in the place she now inhabits and when I hold her hands and tell her I love her she says 'Thank you'. Her eyes still shine with love but she is no longer sure where to direct that love. I cannot enter this world she now inhabits except for an occasional, short visit but being in her presence with my memories of our times past, is a wonderful experience that still causes the tears to flow unchecked.

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