My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers 14 months ago.i would like to share a confused issue

[slim-jim]

I ammpuzzled how my wife who was diagnosed with Alzheimers 14 months ago can have a reasonable conversation with a close friend or relative when just prior to the call she was totally confused and the same after the phone call.she seems able to disguise her condition when talking to people and does not want me to talk to folks to discuss how she is. I find it quite difficult to have a prolonged telephone chat with close friends and relatives during these restricted times as she always wants to be where I am.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @slim-jim and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very friendly community and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
What you are describing sounds very much like 'hostess' mode, where someone with dementia seems to be able to disguise their confusion in front of people they don't talk to that often. It's extremely annoying as it leads others to think there isn't really a problem and assume that somehow you are exaggerating the confusion or causing the person be become confused. I certainly know my brother thought that I was somehow winding my mother up, as he wasn't having the same problems as I was, but then he saw and spoke to her much less than I did. Things changed when she went to spend a few days with him and he could see for himself.
The wanting to be where you are seems as though your wife needs you around to help orientate herself. Do you have any help coming in? Even if you are managing fine at the moment it way be worth considering having someone in to sit with your wife a couple of times a week to get used to outside help and give you a break. It's more tricky to organise at the moment due to covid, but I know Age UK have a help at home service in some areas.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their ideas, but in the meantime have a look round the site. The search bar at the top helps pin-point topics you might be interested in.

 

[canary]

Yup, definitely sounds like "hostess mode" to me too. People with dementia can suppress the symptoms of dementia when faced with family members that they dont see often, medical staff and other authority figures, but it takes a lot of effort, they cant maintain it for long and it leaves them exhausted afterwards.

Its really irritating as the person they are seeing then thinks that you are exaggerating, they are really not too bad after all and then you are left to pick up the pieces with a tired grumpy person with dementia.

Wanting to be with you all the time sounds like Shadowing. People with dementia often get to the stage of being frightened when left on their own - even if their carer is only in the room next door - as they need someone with them to reassure and direct them, so they want someone within eye shot every waking moment. Also, everything becomes about them. They have to be the centre of every conversation and every meeting. They want to direct every conversation and, if they are not, they are convinced that people are talking about them. Mum used to be convinced that complete strangers who were just having a conversation nearby were talking about her! Im afraid that the only way to get a break is to find someone to sit with her.

 

[Banjomansmate]

The Banjoman held perfectly logical phone calls with his brother in France and it was quite a while before the penny dropped and it was realised that he was only talking about people and events that they had experienced years ago. As soon as the conversation came around to what was happening currently he found an excuse to end the call because he couldn’t cope with that. Eventually their conversations got shorter and shorter until he got to the stage when he had no idea how the phone worked.

 

[slim-jim]

The Banjoman held perfectly logical phone calls with his brother in France and it was quite a while before the penny dropped and it was realised that he was only talking about people and events that they had experienced years ago. As soon as the conversation came around to what was happening currently he found an excuse to end the call because he couldn’t cope with that. Eventually their conversations got shorter and shorter until he got to the stage when he had no idea how the phone worked.

Yes thanks that is exactly how things are with my wife

 

[Hazara8]

I ammpuzzled how my wife who was diagnosed with Alzheimers 14 months ago can have a reasonable conversation with a close friend or relative when just prior to the call she was totally confused and the same after the phone call.she seems able to disguise her condition when talking to people and does not want me to talk to folks to discuss how she is. I find it quite difficult to have a prolonged telephone chat with close friends and relatives during these restricted times as she always wants to be where I am.

My late mother was stricken with hallucinatory panic during a country drive which forced me to race home, during which time she attempted to get out of the car. There was much yelling and distress.
I drove straight to the surgery. Within minutes my mother was chuckling and chatting to both GP and practice nurse like nothing was amiss. Such is the nature of Alzheimer’s or indeed other dementias - always different and different in each person it inhabits.
The " shadowing " term is really an expression of insecurity and anxiety. Dementia is a world of bewilderment and enhanced bewilderment which we, alas, cannot conceive else we might offer unbroken comfort and reassurance. The child who has lost its mother will only settle once it is once again being held in her arms. If at all possible one should develop an environment which is one of regulation of habits together with a nurturing approach ( even with aggression) so as to quell anxiety. None of this is easy. Dementia can be a formidable adversary and it takes considerable energy and awareness to confront it and not the one it has claimed.