My wife is so tearful

Thursdayschild

Registered User
Jul 27, 2014
10
0
London
Hi... asking for more advice and support !

My wife, now only 66, has young onset Alzheimer's. She has been in a care home for 8 months now and despite my real grief at placing her (not to mention the guilt) she has done well and settled in a few days. She has been a lot less agitated than at home as the routine and constant company seemed to improve her well being.

But in the last few weeks she has become very tearful She has taken to walking the corridors and sometimes crying as she does so. She is pleased to see me and cheers up, but then gets very tearful when it is time for me to go and asks to come with me. This is new as previously I could just fade out. She does not know my name or who I am to her (she calls me the 'nice man') but does retain some sense that I am special. She remembers two of our three kids and a long time helper I have but that is about it. She cannot recall anything really about her life or family and does not know where she is.

The Care Home want to get a Psychiatrist to see her - there is a local person they like who is good on dementia they say - and I am going to assist with this appointment.

But any ideas? It is really heart breaking and I leave the home in tears myself. I am visiting most days, but worry I am making things worse - is it better to back off for a bit? Can someone living with dementia suddenly get some memory back- like my OH seems to suddenly know she should be living with me?

As always, any help gratefully received.
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
I think sometimes for pwd a fleeting moment of clarity pops into their minds I saw this with dad through the later stages ... not often but it would totally catch me off guard..it may be something he had seen or heard as a trigger or quite randomly his thoughts took him into something deep inside. I always felt a pwd even if uncommunicative hidden deep inside retains a connection to something...a sound a known voice or music...a certain word etc. I found it was such a rollercoaster just when I thought dad had left a phase and I thought I had the measure of how to respond to dad and react swiftly to a change of direction..something he said or did would come out of the blue. My dad went through a tearful stage and I found that sometimes harder to deal with than when he was often verbally aggressive and like you it reduced me to tears at the hopelessness of not being able to provide him with the answers he so craved...the trust to me in his face ...the litlle boy voice...he probably did think of me as his mum...it is indeed heartbreaking for carers. The tears could be due to depression and the mht should have that in mind...medication may help.i think you still need to just slip out...I always did that with dad right up until end of life when frankly he had declined beyond any reaction...but choose a moment when she is fully distracted calm and before she becomes upset. Don't give any indication you are going or mention ahead. She may be upset after you have gone but experienced staff will help her settle. Speak to the staff if me I would continue to visit...the dementia may cause this reaction whether you are there or not and as you say she is pleased to see you when you arrive.There is no easy answer to this from my experience with dad but hopefully the phase will pass. My dad as he declined went from not knowing who I was...to I am sure thinking that I was his wife my mum to just sensing I was someone important to his life but on the same level as the carers or nurses that he saw each day.
 
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Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with the visits. It really doesn't help.

Memory and abilities do sometimes seem to fluctuate wildly from one day or hour or moment, to the next. My mother is declining more rapidly, and sometimes knows exactly who I am. Other times she doesn't, and I never know how I will find her.

I've also been through the distress on leaving. It was incredibly awful at times, had enough to make me not want to visit. I had some good advice from here on TP, which boils down to: don't announce you are leaving. Instead, just vaguely say you are stepping out to the toilet or need to go and get something. Never say goodbye (I use "see you soon"). Leave your coat, and any bags or briefcases or similar, in the car, so you don't give off "leaving" signals when you begin to gather things up.

All of those strategies have worked for me. It felt odd at first not to say goodbye, but I got used to it. Maybe you could consider trying some of the suggestions? I can't take credit for any of them but am grateful for everyone who told me about them.

Maybe giving yourself a day off from visiting and doing something for yourself, is another idea to consider?

I hope you can find something that makes visits a bit less fraught for you both. Nothing about this disease is easy and I'm so sorry.
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
My first thought was it might be depression, so hopefully the psychiatrist can get to the bottom of this distressing change in behaviour.